Is there hope?

Is there hope?
H

hurtwife

New Registrant
I was very thankful to discover this site today. I have been dealing with this issue (as the wife of a SA victim) for the past 20 years.

We have been married for 20 years and have always had major struggles with physical intimacy. Basically, I want it, he does everything to avoid it. I learned about his SA history 11 years ago after a year and a half without any physical relationship. He visited a therapist a couple of times but never took any serious steps toward healing.

We haven't had any kind of physical relationship for the past 12 years. We get along in every other area and he is a great father. I know I should be thankful for what I have, but I long for a "real" marriage. I'm committed to forever with my husband no matter what the future holds. I guess I would just like to know if there is any hope for a loving physical relationship or is that an impossible request?

Thank you for taking the time to read this message. Any answers or advice is greatly appreciated.
 
Hi Hurt,
I am pretty new here, but I have found alot of comfort, support, advice and solace from this site. I wanted to welcome you. I wish I could say more to you regarding your questions on intimacy. My fiance just recently disclosed his SA, to me, and I am learning. I think there are others here in Family and Friends that have circumstances similar to your situation that are more capable of helping you than me. I'm sure they will be along soon. Just know that you have found a place of love and support.
Sunshine :)
 
Welcome HurtWife,

I am sorry that our significant others must bear some of the pains that we carry. Intimacy is one of the big ones and one that cannot be hidden, no matter how hard we try.

This is from the Univeristy of Texas' website on male sexual assualt. A lot of it has to do with college students rather than older married couples, so I have made it more relevent to your situation.

Your husband needs to:

Feel safe.
Be believed.
Know it wasn't his fault.
Take control of his life.

Things you can do to help:

Listen, don't judge. Try to simply understand his feelings.
Be there and give comfort. He may need to talk a lot or at odd hours at the beginning. Be there as much as you can and encourage him to talk to others.
Encourage him to seek professional help https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer1.htm
Be patient. Don't try to rush the healing process or quickly "make it better."
Accept his choice of what to do about the sexual assault -- don't be overly protective. Ask him what he needs, help him list his options, then encourage him to make his own decisions. Even if you disagree. It is very important that he make his own decisions and have them respected.
Put aside your feelings and get support for yourself. It may be too overwhelming for him to deal with your angry feelings on top of his own. If you have strong angry feelings or feelings of blame toward the survivor, talk to a friend or call a hotline or come here and post (but please, no male bashing, we had enough being bashed thoughout our SA).

And of course, spend some time here at MaleSurvivor:NOMSV to read and understand us and those that are going through what you are. Ask questions that you may have, answer any that you think you can.

Invite your husband to come here and look around.

The healing is his to do. Only he can make the choice to go forward, he cannot be pushed. You can only support him and show him some of the options, he must make the decision.

My best wishes,
Bill
 
HurtWife,

Welcome. I'm sorry you are hurting.

This particular problem is never something I've had to deal with for anything close to 12 years, so I don't really know what I can say that will help you, except that I understand the fear that a loving physical relationship is an impossible request.

It has gotten better for me and my boyfriend. But, like everything else in our life that has gotten better, it got better after he took back his life. To this day I don't really know how or why he decided to take control of himself and his behaviors, and I don't think he does either. I think he had just had enough. He says that figuring out that someone could really love him, no matter what, even when he wasn't doing anything to "deserve" it, played a big part in it. So maybe if you haven't already, you should make an extra effort to let him know that you don't love him in spite of... but you love him, end of story.

My boyfriend and I haven't really talked about this last part... but I am pretty sure that our sex life got better when he took control of his emotional sexual life. Again I think he just got to the point where he'd had enough... even if they weren't all sexual, all of his desiring impulses were directed at fantasies and escape. He just wanted to be someone else so badly, do something else so badly, and some of this for him did come out sexually, in an online affair and I suspect some darker fantasies... I think he was trying to protect me from what was going on inside his own mind by staying out of bed.

good luck
SAR
 
My name is Jeff, and I am a survivor. I couldnt help but post something, especially because Ive been working on my past relationship, putting to bed emotionally. I drove my ex-wife away because I was unable to be intimate with her. Oh, I could perform sexually in terms of acting out, but I never shared with her. We spent hours in utter silence, when I could have been a husband to her. When she left, she said that she felt so lonely that she just couldnt stand it any more.

My wife and I were headed south too, but are now a very strong couple. We are strong because I grew and I changed. We now share and talk and love. I had no idea what I was missing before, because I couldnt even conceive of more. Yet, there is more, if he is willing to put in the work to claim it. That means giving up his solitude. It means sharing everything, good and bad, all of the garbage that he things he could never tell anyone.

I hope you can get him in here, reading what we have to say. I hope he can find enough comfort and courage to finally open the gates he has put up to wall himself and his past off. clearly, a few therapist visits, and returning to old habits isnt dealing with it. remember be true to yourself always. You cannot control him, or make him do the changing, but you can take care of yourself as you need to.
 
HurtWife
sex is a difficult thing for a lot of us, I've been married 30 years in July and I struggle still, even after 5 years of therapy and a lot of hard work.
It's not the same for all of us I know, but I think it's common.

When I try to make love I just have flashbacks to my abuse, I've overcome them during the day but sex just brings the visions of what "I did" straight back.
Even masturbation is accompanied by flashbacks no matter how I fantasize about 'normal' sex. And it has always been this way for me, so many years ago I incorperated the flashbacks into fantasies. And that was a bad move for me.
I am getting past it, sex can be good for me. But I have to admit it's still a struggle.

My wife understands, and she does what she can. If I'm obviously having flashback problems then we both ease off, I might even go and have a coffee or something. Many times I can get going again though - which is good :D

For us it's a two "man" job, if you'll excuse the sexism ? and that way we both hope to return to some degree of 'normality' - whatever that might be ?

Dave
 
I am very sorry of your problems that bring you here. I do no tknow that I'm at all qualified to respond to you, as I am not married and never have been. My girlfriend, we have been friends for years, and have only been more like in a 'relationship' for about six months or so. We have not had a sexual relationship yet. I have finally become comfortable with sleeping in the bed with her (fully clothed, yes), and holding each other as we sleep, and sometime, I can not even do that. It is still variable.

I do not know that you can really push him on this issue. However, this is a relationship, a marriage, that he entered into with you, and he is not fulfilling part of it. I am glad that he is a good man and father, and a good husband in other ways. However, it is not 'all about us' always. You are a part of this issue.

I do not know if you have said anything to him at all of this, but maybe if you haven't, it is time to. To start by saying all the good things he is, but that you are missing on the sexual relationship with him. See if he is willing to talk of it, or go back to a therapist again, either as a couple with you, or separately. Also, for you to go to a therapist to get some support for yourself may be helpful.

I wish you both luck with this.

Leosha
 
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