Is there anything left to do?

Is there anything left to do?
A

AGirlUnsure

Registrant
For an explanation of my situation- https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=001603

Since we broke up, my ex has said "we should be friends" but has consistently avoided me since then. I have talked to him on occasion and even had him agree to come to counseling with me (though separate sessions). He has been tolerant of me, but not receptive, even as a friend. I went to talk to him today and he told me we had nothing to discuss and this was over. I agreed with the later, but asked him why the hell he just expected me to go away, to which he replied that he had hoped that we could be friends. However, he wouldn't let me actually talk to him and proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the night. I wrote a note and left it on his dresser, but I strongly suspect he threw it away. I am pretty sure he will not continue to go to counseling, and this is at least the second time he has ended a relationship and then completely distanced himself from his ex, which I fear is becoming a cycle. Also, when I tried to address anything with him, he told me that I clearly had less faith in him than he had in himself and he believed he would be fine.
Do I have any choices now, or am I just condemned to watch?
 
I know it's probably not my place to make any assumptions so if I'm overstepping, please forgive me. I can't help but wonder if this pattern he is setting up wouldn't be a way to regain some power and control from the csa? Since it was stolen from him years ago, it almost seems as if he's grasping for it now with you. Just suppose it is nothing personal but just a way to try to be empowered with a woman in the light of today. That would explain the hot-cold behavior.
I'm just guessing about this.
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. You have my support at the least.
Sincerely,
s-n-s
 
Thanks for your reply.
If that's so, how will setting up this cycle eventually help him? It seems like a self-destructive and ineffective way to deal. Also, he has not been doing so well in the past month. Once again, my hands are tied...
 
Awww.. I so understand how you feel! It's sort of a desperate feeling, isn't it? I know that with my first boyfriend who told me about his sexual abuse.. I wanted so much to help him that I think I kind of ended up pushing him away. It's like sweet-n-sour said, in my case, he was trying to regain control by backing up, because his feelings for me made him feel scared, and our intimacy made all kinds of other feelings come back up, and my trying to reach out to him while he was running just made him run further and further away.. because my wanting to help, and approaching him about his behaviour, especially the things that were not going so well in his life.. just made him feel less and less in control, and therefore become more and more scared of me for that.

So I would say.. as hard as it is, no. There isn't anything you can do other than what you've done - which is let him know you will always be there for him, that you love him, and that he can always, always come to you if and when he is ready, and feels he needs it. I don't think you can make him see that he needs to work on things.. he might just not be ready to.. and your pushing him (which I know is not what you're trying to do, honey.. but it's probably how he feels) will only probably make the behaviours you're worried about worse, and cause him to avoid you more than he is already.

I also don't believe that he doesn't love you anymore the same way. As was said by another member in your previous post, he would not have shared something SO HUGE with you if he didn't love you so much, and really, really trust you. Unfortunately, in my experience, men often push their partner's away right after disclosure, in one way or another - whether it's direct distancing, or distancing in just emotional or sexual ways.. I think it's normal. Right now.. I'm just going through that stage right now with guy #2 who has disclosed to me.. adn I hope that since I'm a little older, and have learned a little.. I can provide him with the support, and also the space he needs to come around. But I know that's scary.. and it hurts so much to have them pull away like that. It's heartbreaking, so all of my love goes out to you right now.

I hope maybe that's a little bit helpful. I wish you all the best with him. Just remember what a huge huge deal this is for them, and how much of a testament it is to how he feels about you that he told you so soon in your relationship! There are so many women here who are learning these things about their husbands after a decade or more.. so he really must feel safe and care for you, and be a very brave man, to want to share so soon.

Just give him some space and time, and it's entirely possible that he will come around.
All my best,
Jess xo
 
Hi ladies, its hard to know exactly what is going on in the head of another survivor. In general all survivors whether CSA or rape, have all of the symptoms on this web page, Male Rape

There are, however, special issues that may be different for men:

* concerns about sexuality and/or masculinity

I think what you are dealing with is a problem with masculinity . One of the rules of masculinity is that you must not be weak! Especially in front of a woman! He has just told you that he was weak in the worst way, he allowed this terrible thing to happened to him. In his mind, it would be better to be a DEAD BRAVE MAN, than a living Coward! And now in a moment of weakness he has told you. He thinks he has just totally fucked up his relationship with you. Now that you know the truth, you can no longer think of him as the strong, brave, masculine man that you first saw. You will leave him soon! I think all the guy's have negative thoughts like this racing through their heads.
This also applies to their male friends. I talk about my first time telling a friend here. The first time I ever told anyone I was raped!

So it seems to me that you have to let him know that you expect him to still be the MAN in the relationship.

Take care,
Clifford
 
In case you check again...(teehee)

I hate to say it, but you have done everything you can. The ball's in his court, not your. And while your desire to see him get better is admirable, it's ultimately going to be up to him to determine the time and direction of his healing journey.

The best thing you can offer to him is the knowledge that whatever he chooses to do (within reason of course), he will have your friendship and support.

As for yourself, consider this a good warning to be wary in the future of guys like us. Not that there's anything wrong with us... but we do tend to make things rather more complicated.
 
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