Is there an end to this?

[Beyond Abuse]

I don't want to tell you what I am, but I want to tell you what I want, and I don't want to be judged. If you have "been there" perhaps you will understand.

What I want is for it to be quiet. I don't want the noise in my head anymore; I don't want the compulsions of anonymous sex anymore; I don't want to hurt anymore; I don't want the memories anymore! I don't know who I am, what I am, what gender I am supposed to love if indeed I can love, and I don't know where this ends. My private life is one confusion after another. I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere. I don't feel comfortable anywhere but for when I am having unprotected sex with men I don't know, and that's just wrong. Life isn't real, it's just an illusion that I make up on a daily basis and you know what, it's just not doing it for me anymore.

Where does this lead? Do I want to die? No, I do not, but I want to be free and the only way to be free is to not remember. There is brief respite in sleep, but now even that is getting abused ... and I am narcoleptic so the reality and the dream can be as real as each other. How do I sleep and not wake up? Someone tell me ... please.

 

[Bobby]

Beyond Abuse, Keep talking. Keep saying the things you need to say. Keep reading here. You will be amazed at how many of us have said, are saying, will say the things that you are saying. You will realize that you are not alone...not so different...have been deeply damaged...were in no way at fault...and that you've come to a place where people care about how you feel because we instantly understand your feelings. We will never minimize your hurt, because we understand it and share it. This is ultimately a place to heal, but there are so many other things connected to that healing...so much anger, so much hurt, so many things to understand. And there is no shame here. You can say it all without fear of being judged in any way. Believe me, I have said it all, and have experienced only caring and compassion from amazing people. We're all sorry that you had a need to find us, but we are glad that we may be able to help you in your need. Welcome. Bobby

 

[Larrymat]

Hang in there, Beyond Abuse. Bobby said it well and many, if not all of us, shasre your feelings. I too have had unprotected sex with anonymous men over and over. And with female prostitutes. And the memories of my mother and a male neighbor come back sporadically. I, like you and others, have that ebb and flow where my head feels -- full. What's worse, I guess, is the sense of arousal that still comes with those memories. And I/we understand the self abuse feelings too. You are not alone. You are strong now, though, and will be able to protect yourself because you sare strong. You've been through so much and made it! Try to live forward. You can do it, my friend.

Larry