Is that common?

[John E]

Do most perpetrators make the victim actively participate in the abuse? This is the most disturbing aspect of abuse to me.
Is that common?

 

[Obi]

more common than you might think.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[sorryson]

I guess seeing I kept going back and not telling anyone I was active in allowing it and I did things to him that he wanted me to do. I never thought I was a willing participant but I guess somehow he made me feel as though I was involved. Like John E this is a disturbing aspect I never thought about. I think it is true. I see the doctor tomorrow and counselor on Friday. I am going to have to talk about this because after reading this I feel dirty. I guess it would have come out sometime. Better sooner than later.

 

[John E]

I think that making us participate makes us feel guilty.

 

[C. E.]

My thinking has evolved beyond this - and I hope yours will, too - but this is my former perspective. I think it is worth sharing, because I suspect it is more prevalent in CSA victims than we care to acknowledge. It becomes a lie we tell ourselves that grows with us and becomes so entrenched that it can take a lifetime of effort to see it differently...

There was a boy in a neighboring city who was abused around the time that I was. But his abuse ended with his murder, and it was big news. I remember at the time thinking he died with honor because he fought and cried, while I acquiesced, cooperated and responded in ways that pleased my abuser. I remember thinking how I wished I could have traded places with that other boy. How I wished belatedly for that honor of fighting for my integrity. The honor of allowing death to take me rather than surrendering as I did - to just be in the ground. At the time, it seemed the only way I could possibly escape the shame. And that would have been just fine with me.

 

[SmartShadow]

I wrote about this in another post recently. It was like my participation was more important then anything else. I think having my total cooperation was the control he wanted over me. Maybe total unquestioning compliance is the ultimate control over another's mind body and sole. That's what it feals like to me. He had that kind of power. Like he had tied my mind into a bunch of knots. Still feels a bit like that.