is love too much to expect?

[markgreyblue]

or as reality2k4 said
is it the past which dictates the love we seek -
is my love a search for the part of me that was
destroyed by my childhood -

oh god - i wish all my friends the world -

mark

 

[Kenn]

((Mark))

A therapist once told me, and I have never forgotten it, that I've "been trying to get it right ever since". What she was referring to was how the shame I felt, from my abuser, propelled me in to a life of looking, seeking, trawling - however inappropriate - to undo that shame.

I used to treat my sexual appetite as a badge of honour, the way many did in the early gay liberation days. But I had the s.a. clouding my judgment, making me vulnerable to S/M (for real, not play) and a feeling that - again I quote, only this time myself - "if ANYone deserves AIDS I do." I don't recall whether I said that out loud before or after my diagnosis but the thought was always there. That is a sick - wrong - thought, nurtured by homophobia which I experienced as a kid, internally and externally, and as the play-thing of a perverted abuser who - more than likely - did not ever identify himself as gay.

God, this forum is something else. Thanks, Mark, for bringing me back to me.

Kenn