Is it sexual abuse ?

Is it sexual abuse ?
C

Caetel

Registrant
Dear all

As you may already know, I have been trying to date again after horrible and very painful break up with V. I have been dating a lovely guy called A (ex work colleague). We had known each other a long time but actually developped an intimate friendship since last September. A is not a survivor but he is a very sensitive and caring man, had a lonely childhood and seemed to have had a very controlling mother (the type that would say that all men are bastards). A was cool about me being a survivor, I felt very safe with him and had that king of strange feeling of being peaceful with him. he has that soothing effect on me (quite often like a tornado). A was in a relationship when we started seeing each other but he really waited for it to be over before we actually dated. His ex girlfriend whom I knew (also colleague) was very manipulative and controlling with him (he was conscious of the fact she was like his mum). They had a story of breaking up and every time she kept calling him back until she got her way with all sorts of guilt tricks. When he finally broke up, he was very happy, he seemed strong and was looking forward to his new life.
Our relationship was boosted and was also developping nicely. Suddenly he broke up but not communicating properly, just by a text message on the phone. I was devastated and thought it was because of me, because of my intimacy issue as a survivor. This happened in April. A few days ago, I found out that he returned to his ex because she told him she got pregnant and that the baby is his. She implied that he has to stay for the baby and be with her. So A feeling trapped sabotage our relationship and because he is an honnest and caring person decided to sacrifice his life for the sake of the baby.
I can feel for him, all the psychological abuse he is going through especially because he does not love her and was not ready to be a dad. I wonder about the consequences on such an abuse and think it is very close to sexual abuse. My first reaction when I found out was also feeling trapped but thanks to the help of healthy friends I managed to reevaluate the situation and communicate with him (how I feel, what are his options, our options with me leaving for Canada soon). The result was a very violent acting out very similar to V's (expressing anger towards abuser) suddenly making strange accusations about stuff he liked most doing with me. I have stepped away to protect myself but also giving him space to sort out the mess he is in right now. It seems that the reason he did not tell me was because when he found out about the baby, I had just disclose to him what I suffered and he had experienced me going through a major panick attack when we got intimate. So he did not want to hurt me more (yeah ! guys really have a mind on their own since he'd rather chose to let me down, making me believe he was a bastard !).
Anyway I guess I am now in very familiar ground and don't know why. I am very angry especially because I had no idea that type of psychological/sexual abuse existed. That someone would go as far as using a baby to keep someone in chains.
Please help.
 
Caro,

If they were having consensual sex when she got pregnant, then no, I don't think it is sexual abuse of him that she got pregnant. It takes two to make a baby.

She could very well be a manipulative, abusive person, and I feel very sad for babies that are born to parents who are abusive or don't love each other. But I think fertile adults ought to decide whether or not they want to co-parent their child with a person, before they have sex with that person.
 
Caro,

If I read you correctly you aren't asking if the pregnancy itself amounts to sexual abuse; you have in mind that her manipulation of V., using the baby as a weapon, is abusive.

I would say no, since there is no great disequality of power here. V. does have options, after all. In the first instance he can, and should, insist on a test to confirm that he is the father. If he is, then he doesn't have to attach himself to a callous manipulative partner in order to be a good father to his child. Under French law he would surely have paternal rights that he could insist on exercising. Wouldn't that be a better alternative? After all, a marriage based on such poor foundations hasn't much chance of lasting very long. How can a child benefit from parents who have condemned themselves to a false union?

Anyway, what I see here is manipulation but not abuse. V. isn't disempowered. He can be manipulated by this woman only if he allows himself to be manipulated.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dear Sar and Larry

Thank you for response. Larry the guy is not V. but new boyfriend A. This is exactly what I told him about being a father but no obligation to stay with the mother. The girl has been talking him into having to be there for her as well. She knows he is nice and she always make him feel guilty for wanting stuff for himself.
I have giving him new options
1) going for the test to confirm he is the father
2) realizing he doesn't owe her anything especially with her not taking the pill without telling him when their relationship was at an end
3) opening up to him about my feelings for him, our options for our relationship in the next few months and also how I feel about the baby (ie: if things would work out between us that I will welcome his child too in my life)
This all thing is very new to me as I cannot comprehend girls would do such things. My friends tell me it is very common. I find this kind of psychological abuse (if not sexual) extremely violent and I wonder about the consequences for A. (lack of trust, sexual dysfunctions...).
I have had no news since last week and all I know is that A. is spending some time with a guy friend away from Paris. I hope this time for himself will allow him to see clear in all the manipulation.
Thank you for your help.
 
Caro,

Sorry I mixed up the new bf as V - I hope I didn't hurt you and I'm very sorry if I did.

I like your three options, especially the last one; good for you! That's so cool you would be willing to welcome his child into your life.

Just one point. In no. 2 did you mean that she was taking the pill and then STOPPED without telling him? If so, that's really incredibly low of her.

I hope all this works out for you. The time away with a friend may, as you suggest, help him to gain a clearer perspective on what's going on here.

Much love,
Larry
 
Yes that's what she did ! Stopped the pill without telling him. Since then she had been trying to find out about what am doing through an ex colleague of us. Needless to say that I did not say anything regarding current situation with A nor about feelings... So make me guess that A. had been reacting badly and now she is afraid of losing him.
This SO pathetic ! She does not even think about the pain she is causing him.
 
That's incredibly manipulative of her, then, not to mention irresponsible. I sure hope A. will come to see that while he is at his friend's place. A person who would do that would do anything; I don't understand how he could even consider going back to such a toxic woman. If that were me, I would be thinking in terms of confirming paternity and then securing my paternal rights and the welfare of my child - without a second thought for her in any way.

Much love,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top