Is it really my fault?...

[Zangetsu]

I've been struggling with this question daily for the past 6 months...

I know what was done to me was wrong...but...I made the choice to leave my house, walk across the street...threat or no threat.

But I was seven...even so...I feel like I made myself an easy target, by the fact that I walked over to my abusers house, he didn't come after me.

The whole situation just has really been messing with me..it's hard to talk about this to anyone..and this is why..I'm afraid to be judged or considered sick... I didn't know what I know now...

 

[motmcd]

...

 

[LinEar]

No question that it wasn't your fault, Cirillo.

Even knowing what I know now, it's hard not to look back it through the lens of a grown adult. I can barely even imagine not being aware of myself then like I am now. But that's how it was.

Keep working at it, it won't be easy but you are definitely on the right track.

 

[DanielQ432]

Look up the psychological concept of "gaslighting" - that may apply to your situation:

"In an influential 1981 article, Some Clinical Consequences of Introjection: Gaslighting, Calef and Weinshel argue that gaslighting involves the projection and introjection of psychic conflicts from the perpetrator to the victim: "this imposition is based on a very special kind of 'transfer'... of painful and potentially painful mental conflicts."[16] The authors explore a variety of reasons why the victims may have "a tendency to incorporate and assimilate what others externalize and project onto them", and conclude that gaslighting may be "a very complex highly structured configuration which encompasses contributions from many elements of the psychic apparatus."[16] Dorpat (1994) describes this as an example of projective identification.[2]

With respect to women in particular, Hilde Lindemann argued emphatically that in such cases, the victim's ability to resist the manipulation depends on "her ability to trust her own judgments".[17] Establishment of "counterstories" may help the victim reacquire "ordinary levels of free agency."[17]"

From Wikipedia

I know in my own case, my father was great at manipulative behavior. "Truth" in my household was very fluid. Something he said one day he would deny he ever said, or even ever thought, the next day. He would tell us that we were crazy, that we "conveniently forgot" events or details or facts, things like that. He did it almost gleefully - it was part of how he played the game. Looking back, his mother, who was his abuser, did the very same things to him, and the roles completely reversed - as much as he tormented us, he was tormented by her.

When you write that you "made the choice" to go across the street to the abuser's house, you need to really examine that. Was this a totally "innocent" choice - you thought you were going to play games and have a good time, just like every time before? Or, did you know something bad could or would happen, but somehow you had to go anyway, despite your survival instincts telling you not to?

Because if it is the later, you probably were manipulated psychologically. Either way, though, whether it was a carefully orchestrated attack you could sense coming, or totally out of the blue, it's on the perpetrator, not you.

 

[Zangetsu]

I understand what both of you are saying, and I want to believe those words...and not trying to be negative...just...easier said than done.

Like you said LinEar, I'll just have to keep working on it...

This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with..

Thank you both for your input and words. It helps some that there are others that don't see me at fault in this.

 

[Ceremony]

Hi Cirillo, I agree, it's never been the fault of us at childhood age, and rape is never our fault. The thing I've learned, is that when I was 3-4, parental neglect shut me down to know human connections. I had no idea about them and never really learned as a child. I'm still learning because of that long ago neglect, and I'm 55 now.

What else I've learned, is that my acceptance of being someone else's choice to sexualize, and my submitting to it, even without much grooming, was from that long ago confusion of self, of connections, of knowing who were my safe people and how I was to connect to them and others.

I'm just starting this new road of therapy and I will do my best to write about it, but it's really just started and I don't know all that I'll learn? I really hope to rewire that long lost fight, flight and submit part of my brain, to broaden toward a fuller brain connection. There is a lot of research done about this, so I don't want to go too deep into it.

You're not alone, you're accepted here for sure and I will read your posts with the compassion you deserve. I'm sure all will.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Cirillo,

I read your story. I am so sorry for everything that happened to you. I was angry at that guy for how he betrayed your trust and used your innocent desire to connect with people against you. You also did not have a good home life and that made you very vulnerable. None of that is your fault, you were just a developing kid and could not see any of that with adult eyes.

Please also know that many here struggle with your same concern. I did the same with my main perp - I kept going back. It wasn't even that I was scared, I just didn't see it as abuse, for many years after in fact. I found it exciting on some level. I am not ashamed to say that because that's reality. But the following is what really happened, this is what occurs during our sexual trauma according to neuroscience:

When we are that young, our minds, bodies and souls are not ready for anything sexual. We are not developed or mature and cannot understand sexuality in it's proper context (love, marriage, etc.). However, even that young, our bodies still respond to stimuli and will get aroused just because that is how we were built. That arousal and the excitement of it can become addictive to an abused person for many reasons. It is not at all a mystery that any of us might go back, or try to recreate it later, or fantasize about it as an adult, etc.

It has to do with the nature of trauma and the neurological pathways that were formed by the arousal and the abuse. Our first sexual experiences create what is called an "arousal template" in our minds and emotions. We then tend to go back to that in our minds later even if we feel conflicted, upset or unsure about it on any level of consciousness. It can at times overwhelm us.

The good news that those who study this kind of trauma have discovered that it is possible to rework or even shut down these neural pathways and develop new, healthier ones. It takes time and work but it can be done. It even takes time and work before we even want that, I know. We just have to start somewhere to try to sort it all out, take steps. In the meantime, we will still struggle at various times with "wanting to go back" in our minds to the same arousal template. That's o.k., it honestly gets better as you work through the abuse and the emotions surrounding it.

It helps to keep in mind that we were just kids - this was done to us. Stimulating us in this way was dangerous to our social and sexual development.
We are now left picking up the pieces unfortunately. But it is not a death sentence. They did not destroy us - they only damaged us. A lot of the damage can be repaired. We can still find some happiness in life despite all that was taken from us. It is important to find a trusted person to talk to about all this, like a therapist or counselor. It is important to share your story. Support groups can be helpful if you can find good ones. No one here at MS will judge you. Many of us have been carrying terrible secrets for years. But they do not have to bludgeon us forever; we are not doomed by what happened or by our response to it. We can get through this and live better, happier lives. Please avail yourself of all the resources you can safely muster to deal with this. We'll be here for you too at MS.

Best regards,

Chris

 

[George]

Cirillo,

From what I got from reading your story, your family situation was chaotic with your parents fighting, your Dad being abusive to you, your Brother piling on too. You weren't paid enough attention to, etc...

Our parents are supposed to give us a firm foundation in life by raising us in love with healthy doses of attention, affection & affirmation. We need that to build a healthy sense of self & self esteem. Especially as a boy, we need our Dad's to bring us into the fold of masculinity, to be affirmed that we are good enough, that we measure up as a boy & later a man.

Without that healthy foundation, we are left needy for that love, attention & affirmation. That guy Bill saw that need, as most pedophiles do and exploited it. He made sure to pay you plenty of attention as part of his grooming of you. He made you feel cared about, even loved as he made you even think of them like an Aunt & Uncle. This is what most of them do, they make you feel like you can't say no to them when they finally make their true motive known, they know how to manipulate a child's immature mind and emotions.

Even after it started and it got worse and you took that break, you were programmed to hope that things would just go back to the way they were before. You still needed to feel loved and attention paid to, due to that you went back. Most, if not any other boy with the same unmet needs would've done the same thing as you.

I too was one who kept going back myself looking for the abuse after puberty hit and I was highly sexualized. I carried all that shame & guilt in secret till it nearly broke me. Like you I blamed myself for going back on my own accord. I judged my child self for years with my adult mind for what was done to and made of me. I couldn't see it any other way but being my fault.

It wasn't till I met my nephew for the very first time (he was eleven), the same age as I was when I started to go back on my own to look for that abuse, that I saw how wrong I was. I finally saw how innocent & naive a boy of eleven "should" be. From that point on I stopped carrying that burden of shame & guilt that was my uncle's. I stopped using my child self as the whipping boy, because it wasn't my fault... it's not your's either.

 

[Zangetsu]

I appreciate all the feedback. I have a lot to think about. On top of everything else.

In response to what George said.

Masculinity (or lack there of)...That caused another slew of problems for me in puberty...
I was unaware at the time, I was later diagnosed when I was 21.
I was born with Klinefelter Syndrome and I am 47 XXY. So my puberty, if I had it at all, was way different than a "normal" boy. The way it changed my body...I was the outcast and freak in school. If I had any sense of self or self esteem left after my parents and Bill....School took the rest.

The only thing my dad really ever taught me, was that to show emotions, was to show weakness. So for the most part, I'm a very "Neutral" individual.

Before I was aware of KS, I had thought my body was messed up because of my abuse. So I had a lot of confusion growing up. Being abused by a male didn't help much in that regard...

 

[greenwizard]

I know it's hard to not feel like it was your fault. I was an adult, 29 going on 30. The bitch slipped me enough drugs that I was in this very compliant stupor. One thing I recall very well is someone I knew telling me that while I was walking out with her I walked into the door frame. I was clearly very messed up and no one thought anything of just seeing me go and going back to what they were doing.

What little memory I do have is of things turning sexual and me trying very hard to push her off, but I couldn't. Even though from a rational perspective the woman and the drugs were to blame, I still feel ten kinds of stupid for letting her distract me so she could put those drugs in my drink. And then I drank them down, never noticing something wasn't right.

While I'm getting better at looking at the picture straight, there is still a little piece of me that thinks I'm the biggest idiot on the planet and I deserved what I got.

 

[George]

Cirillo,

Man, you got a triple whammy with the addition of the KS, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine the added strife that caused for you on top of the family & abuse issues.

 

[Free Radical]

((((Cirillo))))

I'm sorry. I read your story and it was so wrong. I would love to convince you that it wasn't your fault, but I can't really. But I do know that it wasn't. It helps for me to read other's stories and realize that it wasn't their fault.

Our stories are not terribly disimilar in some ways, though yours is worse in a lot of ways.

I'm thinking of you a lot
FR