is it possible to be ... possible trigger

[Liam]

straight and not know if you may be gay. The only thing that jumped to my head in my counselling sessions when my therapist mentioned it were the pride - the march - the scene which i would try and avoid as much as possible. I am a male - i love being a man. I love contact sports, i love working out and i spend a huge amount of time in the summer constructing things yet i have dreams that confuses me. I were sexually molested at the age of 5 till i were around 12. They all were males and they all were 10 years and older than i were. It is impossible for me to know what my sexual orientation or preference were prior to the abuse. Yet i find that my dreams changed from me being abused by men to me enjoying a relationship with a partner i love and enjoy and want to be with. Yes i know this is the confused state i am in - i am trying to find some answers. He also suggested that you can be a christian and gay - so if there are any guys out there who has struggled - are struggling or have been through this i would love to read some responses about this. I were raised under a type of bible belt and its been really confusing when the man who teaches you sunday school also pinns you down and masturbates you while you can hardly breath. I am a christian - and i know some people who would easily think of a way to help me out of this world becuase of their believes and judgements. I long to figure this out and maybe buildt some life out of the ashes i am so familiar with

 

[george of kent]

You are on a difficult and long journey toward truth, Liam.
I'd like to help, and so would all the brothers here, and we can support and advise you, but the answers you are looking for will be unique to your own values and needs.
My "truth" concerning personal questions of orientation, religion, self image and esteem, may not be particularly useful nor valid in finding Liam's "truth."
In my opinion, we are all uniquely individual and special in God's eyes. What works for one guy, won't necessarily work for another. But, as we each walk along a path toward truth and healing, we can benefit greatly from the company and the experiences of our similarly wounded fellow survivors.
Much love, etc.,

 

[roadrunner]

Liam,

I have already replied to you on another thread, and I will just reiterate here that all this confusion is to be expected.

What can you do? Well, there are several great books you can read, especially Mike Lew's Victims No Longer. I hope you will also continue to post and participate here.

But really, what we need is professional therapy, especially where complicated issues of sexual orientation are concerned. You might also want to consult a spiritual advisor, but make sure you seek one who will respect gay orientations, if this is what works for you.

I wish you all the best, my friend.

Much love,
Larry

 

[relaxingpiano]

Keep searching for the truth in all areas of your life. Be open to what may or may not be there but in the end when you are ready to understand this part you will. As I was told one time, being abused by a male doesn't make me any more gay than being abused by a female would make me straight. That puts it in perspective for me.

When jeff and I met, I was still trying to convince myself that I was straight. I'd go to the strip clubs, buy the straight porn, call the 900 numbers... and really try to prove I was straight to myself. Then when I met Jeff, I fell in love that very second and it hit me harder than a ton of bricks. I guess if it wouldn't have, I would not have even opened myself to it. For a long time, I could not bring myself to say that I was gay but I had a relationship with Jeff. I knew I loved him in a very special way, just didn't know how to come to terms with that. Fortunately he was going through a similar thing at the time.

I can remember one psychiatrist early on in my recovery assuring me that I didn't act gay so I was not probably gay. Somehow he based his statement on that and to this day, I see that as being pretty sad. How can you tell...how can anyone tell... after all you just have to follow your heart.

I was raised in a very strict bible home as well.. and it has taken me a lot to just let go of all of that. With the govt stuff recently and the right wing people going on about gays, it has really brought a lot of those old pains up for me again.

Give yourself time, follow your heart and stay open to all the possibilities of your life, whatever they may be.

Don

 

[roadrunner]

Liam,

Don's really good post just above this one reminds me of something that's worth stressing.

We are all sexual beings, sure, and abuse has done us terrible harm. But try not to let your abuse issues DEFINE you. You are Liam first and foremost, a guy with all sorts of dreams, talents, hopes and aspirations, while the abuse was something that was DONE to you by someone else. It isn't PART of you, though your feelings about it certainly are.

Abuse doesn't define us...unless we allow it to do so. For example, I have a ton of abuse issues and a lot of them are pretty grim. Never mind. I am still Larry, married to a wonderful woman with two great kids now grown and off doing their own things. I'm a university professor and colleagues hold my work in high esteem. I love blues music and play a mean slide guitar. I love poetry, though I no longer write as much as I used to. All those things are PART of me.

If I allowed myself to think of myself as "abused Larry", well, yeah, things would be a lot different. I might think I am doomed forever, or ashamed, or worthless, and what have you. But in fact that's only true if I LET it be true.

Try to look at ALL your life as one thing, because that's what it is. Appreciate you achievements and victories and learn to acept praise and recognition. It comes more frequently than we think.

If we can do this, I really think it will help us a lot in dealing with our feelings about what was done to us and help us in our recovery.

Much love,
Larry