is it just me or are some stories unbelievable
When I try to write out what I recall of my CSA etc even I find the narrative unbelievable. Yet I have the supporting evidence around the abuse. Does the unbelievably horrific CSA of the narrative make it any less a reality for that child we once were, simply because I don't recognize the stark reality of abuse I endured as a child? Yes, even survivors of CSA do indeed DOUBT and question the abuse they suffered, at the hands of parent, relative, friend, spouse, lover, or stranger.
I cannot question what someone else went through. I wasn't there. .......
GeorgeMartin
I agree with your words. I think many survivors, like me, compartmentalize the abuse, which allows part of us to live in partial denial. I say partial denial because the truth is buried within us and we refuse to accept the abuse. The part of us that we compartmentalized lives with the abuse and one day the walls are broken down and the entire "me" is living the abuse. I always remembered the abuse as I floated above the abuse. Once the walls are broken life after decades of believing I controlled the past takes over. It begins to control us and our denials or burying the truth no longer keeps part of us in a safe place.
I was pretty good at burying the abuse and compartmentalizing it so as not to see it everyday. As I aged and living in an environment that was traumatizing--probably more so do to the burying of the abuse--brought the past to life in my mind and body. I began to dissociate for longer periods of time, escaping to not live the abuse. It is not living but rather escaping the present and past. I was hospitalized several times as I was unraveling and facing the past. It was a very difficult process and I wish no one should ever have to endure. I began my journey to heal 11 years ago. I have made great progress due to MS, wonderful people in my life, distancing self from those that triggered the past, therapy and support groups and finally allowing the whole of me to accept the truth and reality of the abuse. The last part was the more difficult--facing the truth. I still struggle at times, and I have a wonderful support system from MS, people, and life. I have come to terms with the abuse and it no longer controls me or the child within.
Kevin
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