is it just me or are some stories unbelievable

[Induna]

What I want to say is that if the people in my life can't bare to hear my story then they are not my friends. If I have to keep secrets to protect them from my truth just like I hid to protect them from the monster I wrongly believed I was then what is the point? Hiding is how I protected and tortured myself. Where is the freedom in that? My heart tells me to be as honest and forthcoming as I can be. My current truth, and a critical part of my everyday life, is learning how to be the free, courageous and compassionate man I want to be and that requires that I unravel the mess of my sexual abuse. It requires that I allow myself to feel and process what I'm feeling. It means some days I'm just going to fall apart, but I don't feel that it is right that on days like that I need to closet myself and lick my wounds in private. If I fall apart, I fall apart and I want to say why to those I care about. That seems right. Secrets nearly destroyed me.

I told my wife I was raped as a child and what I did to myself because of it. I told her that I couldn't live shutoff from intimacy anymore. I didn't even have the chance to tell her more. She left me. I felt like I had betrayed her and I always thought I would kill myself if I did that. But I didn't betray her. Continuing the masquerade would have been a far greater betrayal and more cruel to both of us. She is gone and I am free to try and get better. I cannot imagine having a romantic relationship without telling my partner about my past. How could I ever feel truly loved if I kept a secret like that? How could I ever really feel free to be myself? Does it scare the shit out if me that I might never be able to find someone who is willing to know about me and be with me? Yes! But I can't hide anymore. I just can't and I won't.

Maybe I am being selfish and desperate. Maybe I am setting myself up to be hurt. Maybe I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life because no one will be able "take" me. These kinds of fears kept me locked away for 50 years. I always found reasons to keep quiet. There are always reasons to keep quiet.

Many of you are much farther down the road than I and are wiser and more mature. You have and have had families. You have built real lives that you want to keep intact. My life was built on a lacunae -- even worse than sand -- and I have to rebuild myself while I rebuild it. I know that I am immature in some very important ways because parts of me just stopped growing up when I was raped and started to hide in earnest. I feel very connected to my pre-rape self when I tell my story (our story). That boy cared more about the truth than almost anything else. It was his life raft, but then he/I were raped and then I gagged him for 50 years. No more. Never again.

I am only speaking for myself here. Visitor and MO-Survivor are much more rational about this than I am. I didn't intend to write as strongly as I did, but I guess I really needed to.

 

[Honeeecombs]

What I want to say is that if the people in my life can't bare to hear my story then they are not my friends. If I have to keep secrets to protect them from my truth just like I hid to protect them from the monster I wrongly believed I was then what is the point? Hiding is how I protected and tortured myself. Where is the freedom in that? My heart tells me to be as honest and forthcoming as I can be. My current truth, and a critical part of my everyday life, is learning how to be the free, courageous and compassionate man I want to be and that requires that I unravel the mess of my sexual abuse. It requires that I allow myself to feel and process what I'm feeling. It means some days I'm just going to fall apart, but I don't feel that it is right that on days like that I need to closet myself and lick my wounds in private. If I fall apart, I fall apart and I want to say why to those I care about. That seems right. Secrets nearly destroyed me.

I told my wife I was raped as a child and what I did to myself because of it. I told her that I couldn't live shutoff from intimacy anymore. I didn't even have the chance to tell her more. She left me. I felt like I had betrayed her and I always thought I would kill myself if I did that. But I didn't betray her. Continuing the masquerade would have been a far greater betrayal and more cruel to both of us. She is gone and I am free to try and get better. I cannot imagine having a romantic relationship without telling my partner about my past. How could I ever feel truly loved if I kept a secret like that? How could I ever really feel free to be myself? Does it scare the shit out if me that I might never be able to find someone who is willing to know about me and be with me? Yes! But I can't hide anymore. I just can't and I won't.

Maybe I am being selfish and desperate. Maybe I am setting myself up to be hurt. Maybe I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life because no one will be able "take" me. These kinds of fears kept me locked away for 50 years. I always found reasons to keep quiet. There are always reasons to keep quiet.

Many of you are much farther down the road than I and are wiser and more mature. You have and have had families. You have built real lives that you want to keep intact. My life was built on a lacunae -- even worse than sand -- and I have to rebuild myself while I rebuild it. I know that I am immature in some very important ways because parts of me just stopped growing up when I was raped and started to hide in earnest. I feel very connected to my pre-rape self when I tell my story (our story). That boy cared more about the truth than almost anything else. It was his life raft, but then he/I were raped and then I gagged him for 50 years. No more. Never again.

I am only speaking for myself here. Visitor and MO-Survivor are much more rational about this than I am. I didn't intend to write as strongly as I did, but I guess I really needed to.

This.

I think this speaks volume to how I feel on my own child abuse. You know I was just thinking the other day; about the definition of "CSA" and what it means to be a survivor of SA whether you are a child, adult, whomever.

In my own experiences - I struggled with a long time whether or not I was a survivor. Why? Because what my abuse and trauma was - was not a "textbook definition" of what labels are. But I know when I came here two years ago - I felt welcomed by this group of men - and if if wasn't for another community during the time of my PTSD and mental health ailments (which I unfortunately still struggle from getting triggered of childhood reminders and health issues) - I don't know if I would still be on this earth today.

I'm proud to say; when I came back - I felt like I had never left. Even with all the animosity between my family and having to build myself up from being that scared little boy.

The fact is - in today's society; we have to respect others for there experiences as we live in a world where anything can occur. We have to understand there experiences and appreciate that they have taken the time to open up to us - even if some stories seem far fetched. We cannot assume; as we all have suffered from our own experiences of not being believed; which is why I do my best to believe everyone's story on here.

Some men are on here because of acts I feel I have not merit sitting next to; because I can't imagine what it would be like to endure what theyve experienced. But then I open up about my own experiences, abuse and trauma and they say the same to me.

Trauma and abuse affect us all differently; and one thing I've noticed on here is that the sole reason why men are coming here to share there story - is for support on the symptoms of what they are experiencing by sharing there story with us.

PTSD affects us all differently - and we also have to consider the affects of medicine, flashbacks, as well as other factors in mental health in ones posting. That's the way I try to look at it on here - I remember I spent almost more than a solid year - barely leaving my apartment. I can only imagine the living conditions what other men like us live in or go through while starting there healing journey - which is why I think at MaleSurvivor our motto should be:

"We're here and we believe you".

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs

 

[KMCINVA]

There is so much truth in what you've said. Sadly I'm sure each one of us has had our abuse doubted by someone. This is especially painful and adds to the trauma if it's someone we trusted enough to disclose to in the first place.

Wyatt92

I do believe you are right, many doubters out there who only are serving their own denials. As being abused by a priest many lived with denial of the realities of the abuse which was far spread. I was doubted and then one of the doubter's family was a priest accused of abuse, not him it was said. Yes he was part of a settlement. Truly history and ignorance of so many hinder survivors from telling or reporting. It is the most devastating emotional setback when one is told it was not real.

I was hospitalized several times. I remember coming out of a fugue and hearing the nurses talk about this young girl who was raped, they said she was not raped just trying to hide from her parents. Another wise nurse injected how do you know and they said look at what she said and how she could not remember the details. The wise nurse said take a course in trauma because fractured memories is part of trauma and can return today, tomorrow or years from now. The wise nurse walked away and the others were smug and said she thinks she knows everything. I heard this and said she knows more than you.

Doubters are doubters due to ignorance and their denial of their own traumas.

Kevin

 

[Honeeecombs]

Doubters are doubters due to ignorance and their denial of their own traumas.

Kevin

I like this Kevin. Had to quote it so it stood out. I'm sorry you're experience had to do with a member of the priesthood. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; I've found peace and healing and strength in the Lord since converting through my PTSD these past couple of years. I hope what happened does not shake the knowledge of the Lords love for you.

You are a child of God; and not of the monsters who pretend to serve Him.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs

 

[Visitor]

I guess we need to revisit this topic from time to time because it keeps reappearing. The person who initiated this thread soon thereafter left MS, so don't expect a response from him. This thread was not well received for obvious reason. What person who is carrying the residue of trauma will feel safe telling their story if folks here don't believe them? We've lived that one our entire lives. Yes, we've had a few cautions from folks aware that there have been registrants and even members who were not trustworthy participants. Clearly, it is essential that men here be safe and moderators and administrators are committed to protecting us. But we also need to use some common sense. If what is being said feels off, report the conversation and walk away. We are not obliged to participate in every conversation. I only join conversations that speak to me in some way. There are a great many conversations on this website that hold NO interest for me. I also avoid Chat. If I want to have a conversation with a member, I prefer Private Conversations.

So please take care of yourself and remember the vast majority of men here are prepared to listen to your story without judgment. We need to tell the truth of what happened to us and this is a fine place to do that.

 

[KMCINVA]

Wyatt92

I do believe you are right, many doubters out there are only serving their own denials. As being abused by a priest many lived with denial of the realities of the abuse which was far spread. I was doubted and then one of the doubter's family friend was a priest accused of abuse, not him it was said. Yes he was part of a settlement. Truly history and ignorance of so many hinder survivors from telling or reporting. It is the most devastating emotional setback when one is told it was not real.

I was hospitalized several times. I remember coming out of a fugue and hearing the nurses talk about this young girl who was raped, they said she was not raped just trying to hide from her parents. Another wise nurse injected how do you know and they said look at what she said and how she could not remember the details. The wise nurse said take a course in trauma because fractured memories are part of trauma and can return today, tomorrow or years from now. The wise nurse walked away and the others were smug and said she thinks she knows everything. I heard this and said she knows more than you.

Doubters are doubters due to ignorance and their denial of their own traumas.

Kevin

 

[brother2none]

The person who initiated this thread soon thereafter left MS, so don't expect a response from him.

Well indeed @Giovanni has deleted the original post to this thread, and to the only one other thread they started, but why @Visitor do you believe they have left the site?

The irony is the the original post was quoted so many times, it will live in infamy forever.

TBH, when I first read this original thread, it seemed *to me* to be trolling.

 

[betrayed boy]

I clicked on his name says he was logged on last night perhaps with so many people coming down on him he deleted it and now stays in the shadows as it were I too thought it was an odd post when in his mind it could have been innocent in nature but idk I can't speak for him and it seems he just reads posts and is afraid to comment on anything now

 

[JethroTull]

Show compassion for all, is my motto. We are all on different journeys, the reasons for the journeys are similar and the path we take to find our own way to survive, own our stories and reclaim our power are defined by our shared path. If the stores are sensationalised or difficult to belief, it’s ok to ask, with non judgement and without challenging. An hour of compassion and building understanding is never wasted, where as a second of judging has no value to the person judging or the person being judged.

 

[Visitor]

I clicked on his name says he was logged on last night perhaps with so many people coming down on him he deleted it and now stays in the shadows as it were I too thought it was an odd post when in his mind it could have been innocent in nature but idk I can't speak for him and it seems he just reads posts and is afraid to comment on anything now

I hadn't checked that. It saddens me since I've no doubt that Giovanni's intention in posting this was not to create the backlash that it did. I expect it was part of his process of finding safety. He seemed surprised by the response, though his reactions will be found only in quotes from others whose posts remain on the site. My first response was to suggest he look at his motivation in making the post...

...My friend, whatever prompted you to post this thread, I'd encourage you to look at why your attempt to expose deception is so important to you. Clearly, your effort is not being well received and I think I understand why. If I approach each thread and post skeptical of the person's intention I've removed myself from any possibility of finding compassion for the person or supporting him with kindness. I'm protecting myself from deception but doing nothing to help him in his healing journey...

Sadly, this conversation likely triggered him and he left to protect himself. As I said elsewhere in this thread, everyone here has doubtless been impacted by trauma and it plays out differently for each of us. A rare few feel compelled to act out in some way with other survivors in ways that are frightening. Clearly we don't want that to happen and in my experience moderators and administrators have acted to protect us. Giovanni was apprehensive about what happens here and asked his question. The conversation triggered many of us and Giovanni didn't get what he needed to move beyond his question. So here we are. There are no villains here, simply men doing the best we can to survive. I hope he has found support he needs. Perhaps at some time he'll be able to talk with us about what he has learned for himself. I wish him well.

 

[Honeeecombs]

I second with what @Visitor has stated.

I am not going to deep dive into my thoughts as I've already posted in this thread - but I want this post to stand out as this is a communication to @Giovanni .

------

I recently read a post via Facebook about a mother who held a birthday party for her child. However, in this particular case - everyone was invited except the classroom bully.

Now, I am making an analogy to this not because of relations to the news story; but of the actions of the mother between one child and a classroom of kids.

Here at MaleSurvivor, as many people and moderators have stated - we are a welcoming and accepting group of men that have been through a spectrum of abuse and trauma. Just because one person's trauma is less than another; doesn't or shouldn't make them feel excluded. I want you to know Giovanni; that it is OK to ask questions or have thoughts. This post has likely garnered a trend not because of the question asked; but that it may have been an emotional trigger for those in the community who have been doubted, invalidated, or made to not believe.

I once had a woman tell me "Healing from abuse is a journey to walk alone" - but I don't think she in particular understood or gave thoughts to my own abuse, humiliation or trauma and could decifer the differences in the interactions I had with her to understand my PTSD and the hate I had for myself - for a very long time.

In short, we ALL suffer from the effects of others - as we all make impacts on this world whether they are good or bad.

For the classroom situation on that news story I read on Facebook - the mother of the classroom bully made the argument that he should have been included - why? Because it could have been an opportunity for him/her to make amends and be apart of the classroom environment and be able to make true friends.

I hear you @Giovanni. And I think alot of people including the staff do too. So please do not be afraid of us.

We are accepting of all men - regardless of past traumas. I took the time to write this - because everyone is worth validating.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs

 

[BrickHouse]

Induna:
You are not selfish to take care of yourself or to want those who care about you to be aware of how your CSA is affecting you in the here and now. Your goals to live courageously and compassionately are beautiful goals but they come with risk of pain because they involve flawed humans. We have to believe that the risks are worth it. You are on the right path, Induna, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

 

[KMCINVA]

Giovanni

You are facing your abuse, reading of others abuse can be overwhelming and asking could they have lived such horror. The world is full of sadistic, spiteful and abusive people. Sadly, they do not see themselves in such light. You are thinking of your abuse, and we all think of our abuse and try to understand how others suffered, sometimes it seems unbelievable. I know doubt abounts abuse because society cannot believe the cruelty of some. Your doubts are understood and if others read your story would say how could that have been--but it did happen.

Remember you need to focus on your abuse and not others, for you are the one trying to heal. I learned never compare my abuse to others, for we react different to abuse.

Take care of yourself and hope you return

Kevin

 

[Induna]

Induna:
You are not selfish to take care of yourself or to want those who care about you to be aware of how your CSA is affecting you in the here and now. Your goals to live courageously and compassionately are beautiful goals but they come with risk of pain because they involve flawed humans. We have to believe that the risks are worth it. You are on the right path, Induna, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Thank you, Brickhouse. Maybe it's because I hid for so long, but now I feel my best way forward is to be open and face my fears. Life is short and I want to grow as much as I can .