Is it impossible to stop "reenacting" their abuse?

Is it impossible to stop "reenacting" their abuse?

Mistle

New Registrant
My partner and I (2yrs) middle aged. He had years of therapy, very open and seemed very stable. We were doing so good, no issues with intimacy. He/we felt so close as I could listen when he wanted to talk about it. Such openness and honesty. We had a pact if anything ever happened, a need or problem.... we would turn to each other first. WE would figure it out.

I thought we were healthy. I had no idea about any of this it was suddenly just there. I have the sinking feeling he leaves it open while he is working and forgot to shut it down. Or maybe it was a recent stressor? No idea. The things he was saying scare me, for his safety. He sounded like he had every intention of meeting up. I don't know that he would. But he shared his face with these strangers.

I question everything now, my health, his stability..... He swears he has not touched anyone since he has been with me. He is in denial and can't discuss it.

I left because I need space and I don't what to do and if I can handle this. I love him deeply, I thought he was my forever. I don't care that he was with men in the past, or if he is bi today or shares his story. I am proud of him. He told me he only emotionally connects with women and we were enough. And "needs" we handled. He told me actual men were a thing of the past, pre-therapy and there was no compulsion, no need.

Realistically speaking, is re-enacting CSA part of a survivor forever? Is this a compulsion? What I am reading around here it seems to be a big issue. Bear with my rambling thoughts, I just am trying to make sense of what is happening.

Thank you for reading, Mistle
 
I'm so sorry. Betrayal is traumatic. I wish I had answers for you.
 
My partner and I (2yrs) middle aged. He had years of therapy, very open and seemed very stable. We were doing so good, no issues with intimacy. He/we felt so close as I could listen when he wanted to talk about it. Such openness and honesty. We had a pact if anything ever happened, a need or problem.... we would turn to each other first. WE would figure it out.

I thought we were healthy. I had no idea about any of this it was suddenly just there. I have the sinking feeling he leaves it open while he is working and forgot to shut it down. Or maybe it was a recent stressor? No idea. The things he was saying scare me, for his safety. He sounded like he had every intention of meeting up. I don't know that he would. But he shared his face with these strangers.

I question everything now, my health, his stability..... He swears he has not touched anyone since he has been with me. He is in denial and can't discuss it.

I left because I need space and I don't what to do and if I can handle this. I love him deeply, I thought he was my forever. I don't care that he was with men in the past, or if he is bi today or shares his story. I am proud of him. He told me he only emotionally connects with women and we were enough. And "needs" we handled. He told me actual men were a thing of the past, pre-therapy and there was no compulsion, no need.

Realistically speaking, is re-enacting CSA part of a survivor forever? Is this a compulsion? What I am reading around here it seems to be a big issue. Bear with my rambling thoughts, I just am trying to make sense of what is happening.

Thank you for reading, I would suggest talking with your other half with an open mind.
 
This really hits home. Thanks for sharing. It’s a great question and it’s helpful to hear it coming from a partner’s perspective.


I don’t know your partner’s history, so I don’t claim to speak for him. I can only speak from my experience. After years of uncontrolled acting out, and realizing it wasn’t resolving itself, I finally decided to treat my reenactment compulsion as a sex addiction. In addition to my work with a therapist, I go to a sex addicts support group. It’s been incredibly helpful with teaching me how to control my urges, which is important because as with your partner my acting out involved self-destructive behavior and physically dangerous situations. I was essentially retraumatizing myself every time I acted out, and I felt horrible afterward. I still have urges, but keeping it under control has brought me and my wife some peace of mind.


It sounds like your partner may also be dealing with confusion around sexuality since he identifies as straight but his compulsion involves men. It’s important to remember that sexual trauma doesn’t influence a person’s sexuality. Reenactment compulsion with men is separate from sexual desire for men. They’re different things entirely. Acting out with men doesn’t “make you gay”, whether it’s porn or sex, etc. I’m openly bisexual and I have healthy sex with men, and my wife supports that. But my reenactment compulsion with men isn’t healthy, and neither of us tolerate it. I’ve been learning over the course of years to detect and identify that compulsive urge when it arises, and to distinguish it from the desire for healthy sex. It helps with my sanity to keep them separate. I think everyone should first make that distinction, regardless of sexuality or who they’re acting out with. Then maybe they can deal with other issues at play.


I hope some of this makes sense?? Or is helpful. I was moved by your post. You sound incredibly accepting and supportive. And compassionate. I wish there was a definitive answer, but I think it depends on the person. Good luck and feel free to reach out.
 
Very late to this thread but, for me, I was able to stop the compulsive, uncontrollable re-enacting when everything came out in the open and with therapy. The desire to re-enact with men is still there, but I control it rather than the other way around. It has been 4+ years since I last "acted out".

I can also relate to his telling you that he only emotionally connects with women. That is how I am. I only want a romantic relationship with my partner, but trauma-focused sex with men still is very powerful for me.

You haven't posted an update. I hope you are both doing well, together or separate.
 
Very late to this thread but, for me, I was able to stop the compulsive, uncontrollable re-enacting when everything came out in the open and with therapy. The desire to re-enact with men is still there, but I control it rather than the other way around. It has been 4+ years since I last "acted out".

I can also relate to his telling you that he only emotionally connects with women. That is how I am. I only want a romantic relationship with my partner, but trauma-focused sex with men still is very powerful for me.

You haven't posted an update. I hope you are both doing well, together or separate.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband is addicted to gay porn and most of was rape scenarios and escalated as time went on including masturbating with sex toys and using gay dating app. I finally had enough and told him it had to stop or we needed to consider divorce. I couldn’t go on living Ike that anymore. The more he went down this path the further he pulled away from me, physically and emotionally. He agreed he had a problem and sought out counseling. He’s only been in counseling a few months so reading this gives me hope. I so miss a physical relationship with him. I’m still very lonely but hoping and praying he will come back to me someday as a full husband.
 
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