Is it grace?


There's two reasons why I chose to place these thoughts here.
1. They're profoundly uniquely religious-based
2. There's less of a chance of a war breaking out due to Fallout 2.0

Earlier today I realized, and was totally blindsided by the realization, that the latest fiasco creating Fallout 2.0 there, I was completely targeted. It was a targeted "attack" even though I wasn't attacked. Thankfully I wasn't, but I know others were literally attacked. My heart goes out to you.

But targeted. Yes. Specifically sought out, because this guy was the same one as before. And it's the detail that came to me which caused the realization.
And my first reaction (though I'm kinda ashamed of it) was: what an S.O.B.!!!

However, pondering this phenomenon a little while later as it was turning through my head as things often do, it changed a little. My viewpoint on it changed. Was I targeted? Sure as anything. But, what changed was I could now see this guy as seriously hurting.

Let me explain.

To actually do a thing like that. Especially after my final e-mail to him kindly and softly saying: please don't contact me, and him agreeing.... for him to still do this. For it to happen in such a deceitful way... I have to believe that there really is a lot of suffering going on there. And that made me think of all this CSA junk that we're brought up against constantly throughout our everyday lives.

We know the effects that the CSA does to us. We know the burdens. So this guy, the infiltrator, just how bad must he really be hurting himself?
There is definitely room for mercy. For caring. For praying.
That doesn't mean that I want to see him back in here.
But he does need help. He can certainly use and needs our prayers.

And I promise, such a realization could only have come from grace. I've been too hurt to get to that on my own.
I know many others have been hurt. Trust has been shattered. Worlds have been shaken. Panic still walks among us. We must protect ourselves. We must stay together and support each other. But while being strong together, maybe we could also give a thought to this guy in pain, whether he realizes he's actually in pain or not.
I think you are right about the targeting. They had a mission. They PMed me about a post and I responded then tried to engage in conversation about hobbies, etc and they never responded.
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Thanks guys! And @Ceremony, absolutely! United we are stronger and safer. I’m very grateful for you all.

Not to discount what you said @SDD757, for that is certainly targeting. But what I meant by me being targeted was, Fallout 1.0 had some specific information. Fallout 2.0 used that same info but with some research!

Healing light

A lost soul for sure David but I'm not so sure if they themselves are wanting to be found.

So I know I am unique in my beliefs here due to my race. But I will share them as it explains my approach to this situation
I believe that our relationship with the creator is individual what we do in this life impactive and imperative to the next
Due to that I choose to work towards having no malice towards this person targeting me in particular. I'm struggling to hold no malice though for targeting this group as a whole a group of people who have collectively been hurt so badly previously that are at different levels of healing with different amounts of support to do that. The impact of his actions are far spreading if we only think of these 2 times but what of all the other times over the many years he has been doing this at MS. I know myself when I joined I was on the brink of losing everything , and I was very ill I had just had the worst year in my life and I know I am not alone in being in that position joining here

A saying in my culture " if you dance with the devil to offen it's the only song you will know" is one that has sprung to mind over this situation due to his repetitive behaviour

I can pray for ms and can believe every living being was created with purpose on this earth if we watch we will see that all around us.
And I can fear for a soul that has caused so much hurt

I can pray for you David that you can find peace in your faith and strength in your spirituality to over come any hurt in your heart so you can move past these events and not carry them with you

I can hope for strength in unity here at MS that it can continue to aid survivors recovery for years to come despite events such as these

hope , peace , and love are the light ,

light is life


Well said David, dealing with the fall out the first time I left took a sabbatical, dealing with division and truth of being lied to was something that took time.

Im not exactly sure who was who or who he appeared as when he came back but perhaps it was good for me not to know.

I can only imagine the degree of disassociation of making up someone that you feel you can be instead of embracing yourself enough for you to be here. I believe that does point to him needing help the kind of professional help that is beyond the scope of what this site sets out to accomplish. He will not be the first or last person to come here and needs more help than what we can do here. I do believe this place as a community has a purpose to bring guys together and I pray daily for this community. Prayer is powerful and it would be my prayer we heal together as brothers supporting each other.

Finally a message to anyone contemplating not being real here....I get is scary to step out and not hide..I was you from 11 to 34 I hid what had really happened. Twenty three years I never told I did feel like an imposter.. perhaps you have made a choice to be here in disguise because hiding has been easier than facing a truth..let me just say that honesty of who you really are and being real is worth it here on MS, despite all our own hangups there are guys here whose hearts reach out for others because they have been where you have been. They will be there for you as some have been there for me. Honor their willingness to reach toward you by being authentic. Authenticity and truth will help your heart far greater than any made up individual you may pretend to be. Those that are here can eventually see through you anyway so start out on the right direction.

I definitely see all of this from a spiritual perspective, recognizing that all of us are ultimately innocent, though our innocence has led to suffering we then act out in ways that can create real harm. I wasn't affected by either of these incidents, though I had multiple conversations with Jaxson who was removed last October. Curiously, he was both a member and had attended a Weekend of Recovery in 2004, neither of which can be faked, at least so far as my rudimentary understanding of the internet goes. Both those badges that appeared below his username are controlled by the moderators. If that is true, he is well known by the folks running the show here. Granted, they are not in a position to intervene in any way apart from terminating his access through that username.

I think about my experience sneaking away from work and acting out in video arcades with men I didn't know... or stealing lingerie at a department store... a grown man who was respected professionally who hid all this shame and acted it out in myriad ways. Trauma can produce profound fragmentation of self. Absolutely, we want to protect this community and its members from violation, but it is good to remember what suffering feels like, looks like. In truth, none of us are little boys even though they remain in our psyche. A perpetrator among us can play mind games with us but that is all they can do. Yes, that can be painful and we encourage vulnerability so being eternally wary of every exchange sort of defeats the purpose of being here. So we want to be alert and we want to call upon moderators and administrators to help us, to protect us. That in itself is a healthy thing since more often than not we hid with our fear rather than telling someone.

I don't think we can avoid disturbing encounters in our lives, either in the real world or here. The invitation is to work through the distress. The vast majority of exchanges I witness on the forums are generous and kind. I believe we can trust people here even when we are cautious to care for ourselves. Personally, I stay away from chat and would consider sharing a personal email address only with someone who has a long, dedicated relationship with this website... and that email address would be generic without personal information. But I've never done even that. Private conversations work just fine for me.

Blessings to us all. Thanks David for bringing up this topic. Clearly, this is part of the healing process for all of us. And thanks to everyone who has shared. We really are all in this together.


I'm not so sure if they themselves are wanting to be found.
That is a good question, and one with a very open-ended answer.

I don't think we can avoid disturbing encounters in our lives, either in the real world or here. The invitation is to work through the distress. The vast majority of exchanges I witness on the forums are generous and kind.

Blessings to us all. Thanks David for bringing up this topic. Clearly, this is part of the healing process for all of us. And thanks to everyone who has shared. We really are all in this together.
I totally agree

We work back to a united community, and with compassion for the pain we all know, the unity will bring us personal peace.
Beyond a doubt!

Thank you guys for the support! @Ceremony @Sawyer49 @Healing light @Visitor @SDD757