Is it bad that it turns me on that I turned him on?

[dcwofhs90]

One thing to think about though is you’re talking about you had a choice and he had choices. But something you didn’t have that he did was the fact he knew what he was doing to you, he knew how it would affect you, he knew how irresistible it would be. You didn’t have the understanding or the maturity to be able to make a reasonable or conscious choice on what you were doing. All you could see was the attention you received, the pleasure, being special, and all of it. He exploited that for his own gain, and he knew the more he did the more you would crave it, and still do.

You're right. It's slowly sinking in for me...

 

[GaD3!]

that, even though I went to him, that he's to blame and not me. I'm trying to convince myself that he shouldn't have let me in his house. I'm trying to convince myself that my 11 year old brain didn't understand what I was doing.

All of this is true.

 

[mpjq]

In addition to dealing with all the typical issues like self-blame, shame and guilt, I've been struggling with something else, too: it really turns me on that I turned him on. He never really said a whole lot when I was there, but when he did talk, he was extremely complimentary. Always said nice things about me... He complimented me on my (super skinny) body, skin, eyes, etc. I wouldn't have been able to put it into words at the time, but he made me feel sexy, desired, wanted.

When I think back, he took a chance every time I showed up on his back porch. Since I went to his house several times a week for 5 years, he took a lot of chances. He could've been caught hundreds of times. It just doesn't make sense to me that he didn't deem me worth the risk; in his mind, I must've been worth the risk he was taking each time.

They say "no risk, no reward." He considered ME to be the reward for his risk. And when I think back about me being there, desiring more and more and more sex with him, and how turned on I know he was....well, that really turns me on...to this day.

Am I fucked up for thinking this way?

As children we crave love, compliments and even just attention of any kind. Your brain at that time was smaller, so with an adult brain now understanding that there is good attention and not so good attention you have the power to forgive yourself for choices you made as a child.