Is it bad that it turns me on that I turned him on?

[dcwofhs90]

In addition to dealing with all the typical issues like self-blame, shame and guilt, I've been struggling with something else, too: it really turns me on that I turned him on. He never really said a whole lot when I was there, but when he did talk, he was extremely complimentary. Always said nice things about me... He complimented me on my (super skinny) body, skin, eyes, etc. I wouldn't have been able to put it into words at the time, but he made me feel sexy, desired, wanted.

When I think back, he took a chance every time I showed up on his back porch. Since I went to his house several times a week for 5 years, he took a lot of chances. He could've been caught hundreds of times. It just doesn't make sense to me that he didn't deem me worth the risk; in his mind, I must've been worth the risk he was taking each time.

They say "no risk, no reward." He considered ME to be the reward for his risk. And when I think back about me being there, desiring more and more and more sex with him, and how turned on I know he was....well, that really turns me on...to this day.

Am I fucked up for thinking this way?

 

[GaD3!]

No you are not. Many here talk about being aroused by thoughts and or memories of their abuse- it was sex and of course we are hardwired to find sexual thoughts arousing. It is exciting to be wanted sexually, particularly in such a situation as you experienced when what took place was not done with cruelty or harshness.

 

[LittleSteve]

For my history, there would be no being turned on, but that’s just me but from the risk assessment, let me tell you here’s how it works for me.

Uncle Bill was ahead of human trafficking Ring yet he picked me from his neighborhood. He had to become friendly with my family because I lived with my family. He had to ingratiate himself in there. He had to have an excuse to take me places by himself during the day so he could traffic me. His reason was Steve loves to go for car rides with uncle Bill. He had to sell this to my family. The fact that I was over there his 12-year-old son basically adopted me as his little brother, yet my big brother was raping me daily. Obviously, if this came out, it could exposed everything. If something happened to me if a client damaged me like what if a client punched me in the face and broke my nose and black eyes I went home to my family every day. How would that be explained what if the police recalled again possible exposure.

All of this took place while I was going to school, living at home with my family and yet he was trafficking me to all of these people so you can see the risks that he took just to have me. And this went on for almost 3 years and because Sherman was my big brother I went over to “play “virtually every day and what really happened was I was being tortured or rented out in his basement and that was during the school year during the summer. Obviously I had greater availability.

And so he’s the head of an illegal operation and yet he’s taking these kind of risk just to be able to have me. It shows how badly these guys really want us not because they value us as people but because they value us a sexual objects that they can use. I don’t know this, but psychologically I think the risk creates part of the excitement for them. I don’t know that for sure, but look at the lengths he went to be able to have me if you think about it. It’s pretty astounding.

 

[dcwofhs90]

For my history, there would be no being turned on, but that’s just me but from the risk assessment, let me tell you here’s how it works for me.

Uncle Bill was ahead of human trafficking Ring yet he picked me from his neighborhood. He had to become friendly with my family because I lived with my family. He had to ingratiate himself in there. He had to have an excuse to take me places by himself during the day so he could traffic me. His reason was Steve loves to go for car rides with uncle Bill. He had to sell this to my family. The fact that I was over there his 12-year-old son basically adopted me as his little brother, yet my big brother was raping me daily. Obviously, if this came out, it could exposed everything. If something happened to me if a client damaged me like what if a client punched me in the face and broke my nose and black eyes I went home to my family every day. How would that be explained what if the police recalled again possible exposure.

All of this took place while I was going to school, living at home with my family and yet he was trafficking me to all of these people so you can see the risks that he took just to have me. And this went on for almost 3 years and because Sherman was my big brother I went over to “play “virtually every day and what really happened was I was being tortured or rented out in his basement and that was during the school year during the summer. Obviously I had greater availability.

And so he’s the head of an illegal operation and yet he’s taking these kind of risk just to be able to have me. It shows how badly these guys really want us not because they value us as people but because they value us a sexual objects that they can use. I don’t know this, but psychologically I think the risk creates part of the excitement for them. I don’t know that for sure, but look at the lengths he went to be able to have me if you think about it. It’s pretty astounding.

Makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your input, but sorry all that happened to you.

 

[George]

Am I fucked up for thinking this way?

Unfortunately it's a normal response to a very abnormal situation. A lot of us ended up getting turned on during puberty and went back over and over for it. It was a mechanical response intertwined with new crack like brain chemicals overwhelming very immature minds who couldn't possibly comprehend all the consequences of what was happening to them in the present or future.

Your abuser was a sick, twisted and evil man, so was my uncle. They didn't love and care for us, they were not only just fucking us, but they were fucking up our minds and our futures, too. Your abuser set a trap for you, it was very premeditated, he invited you in and made sure the porn mags were right in your view, and then he went in for the kill. Sure, he was thrilled that you came back again, but with that he still needed to prime the pump with some compliments because he knows some boys may/do change their minds and tell. We were their prey, that is all, they didn't love honor or cherish us, it was solely about them getting off by dominating a young boy and robbing him of his masculinity, control, innocence & childhoods.

I get it that you were and still am turned on by the idea, but that feeling can change at some point as you get further down the healing path.

 

[dcwofhs90]

A lot of us ended up getting turned on during puberty and went back over and over for it. It was a mechanical response intertwined with new crack like brain chemicals overwhelming very immature minds who couldn't possibly comprehend all the consequences of what was happening to them in the present or future.

I was turned on about 2 years before puberty. And yes, the brain chemicals were overwhelming to my immature 11 year old brain.

 

[Immanuel_Varis]

In relation to what George said, yeah. It hits hard when you realize that they were only doing it for their own gain and didn’t consider you or your future one bit.

Yes, it is ok to feel the way you feel. I honor that, and appreciate you speaking your truth. I sometimes still feel that way myself. As for me, sometimes I just want to be fucked by anybody, I’ll get really horny and hope that someone uses me. Luckily I’ve always been pretty antisocial so I’ve never actually had sex post-abuse, or any relationship for that matter, barely any friendships either.

It all takes time, and just know that we are all here for you! Healing from trauma is very complicated, as you know, and it often comes in waves where you’ll feel like you’re getting better and things are going great and then all of a sudden the shit hits the fan, again. So yeah, these feelings may or may not return, who’s to say they will other than you? Sending energy your way brother

 

[JC1]

I want to respond here, but it may be kinda clumsy. My abuse started with a tag team rape at 7 by brother and a cousin. Only came back last year. I don’t think it is bad to have that feeling. One of the things I struggle with is wanting to return in my mind to the abuse. I don’t know why, and I’m trying to work through this in therapy. Once i got into puberty, there was a side of me that got turned on because I thought I was special or that he thought i was. And there are days when thinking about it still does that.

 

[JC1]

In relation to what George said, yeah. It hits hard when you realize that they were only doing it for their own gain and didn’t consider you or your future one bit.

Yes, it is ok to feel the way you feel. I honor that, and appreciate you speaking your truth. I sometimes still feel that way myself. As for me, sometimes I just want to be fucked by anybody, I’ll get really horny and hope that someone uses me. Luckily I’ve always been pretty antisocial so I’ve never actually had sex post-abuse, or any relationship for that matter, barely any friendships either.

It all takes time, and just know that we are all here for you! Healing from trauma is very complicated, as you know, and it often comes in waves where you’ll feel like you’re getting better and things are going great and then all of a sudden the shit hits the fan, again. So yeah, these feelings may or may not return, who’s to say they will other than you? Sending energy your way brother

Immanuel, well said and thank you for your honesty here!

 

[GaD3!]

Healing from trauma is very complicated, as you know, and it often comes in waves where you’ll feel like you’re getting better and things are going great and then all of a sudden the shit hits the fan, again. So yeah, these feelings may or may not return,

Very true!

 

[dcwofhs90]

got turned on because I thought I was special or that he thought i was.

That's a great way to say that. I thought I was special....

 

[Trev]

You are not fucked up for thinking this, in our case of abuse it is important to realize that it was abuse and even though it was abuse and maybe we can say that now back then with the adult there was an exchange going on between him and the boy we were and the adult was able to be smart and use his brain and body to access the points in our boy bodies that would switch on and make is hard and then he would share with us what would make him hard and when we both became hard together tjere was a bonding moment between man and boy that was shared that every person knows as negative but we processed that as positive because it was probably the most intimate we had ever been.

 

[dcwofhs90]

it was probably the most intimate we had ever been.

Definitely the case with me. Prior to this, I had no idea that people did this stuff with other people.

 

[Jack1]

@dcwofhs90 You have come a long way since you joined MS. I can remember when every one of your posts was an affirmation of your enjoyment of the sexual abuse. Since then I've seen a change in your mindset. You're aware of the emotional and physical enjoyment and you likely wouldn't have gone back so many times if you hadn't. If I'm not wrong, the difference is that you can see harm that it has caused you in your life.

I have gone through different fazes during my journey of discovery. At first it was shock that it happened, then it was awe that I enjoyed so much of it. Then it was confusion when I realized who the abusers were. Then it was an amazement that I worked so hard to please them, then I began to realize how I constantly vacuumed up the positive feedback I got along with the sexual pleasure they gave me. Then finally I realized that they made it my job to be a sexual object and I never really wanted that responsibility..

 

[dcwofhs90]

@dcwofhs90 You have come a long way since you joined MS. I can remember when every one of your posts was an affirmation of your enjoyment of the sexual abuse. Since then I've seen a change in your mindset. You're aware of the emotional and physical enjoyment and you likely wouldn't have gone back so many times if you hadn't. If I'm not wrong, the difference is that you can see harm that it has caused you in your life.

I have gone through different fazes during my journey of discovery. At first it was shock that it happened, then it was awe that I enjoyed so much of it. Then it was confusion when I realized who the abusers were. Then it was an amazement that I worked so hard to please them, then I began to realize how I constantly vacuumed up the positive feedback I got along with the sexual pleasure they gave me. Then finally I realized that they made it my job to be a sexual object and I never really wanted that responsibility..

Wow, this made my day! Thank you so much for your comment. I do think I've made a lot of progress and I feel good about that. Since I began processing my memories about a year ago, it's been a roller coaster at times. You, along with everyone here gave me the confidence to tell my friend in person...all of this combined has helped me immeasurably.

 

[Immanuel_Varis]

Then finally I realized that they made it my job to be a sexual object and I never really wanted that responsibility..

These words are so powerful and true! As much as we may have enjoyed it at the time, we never got the choice in the first place whether or not we wanted to partake.

 

[dcwofhs90]

we never got the choice in the first place whether or not we wanted to partake.

Here's one thing I struggle with, and I've written about it countless times here. I wasn't given a choice to partake the very first time, but I was given a choice every time thereafter, because I went back to him for more. I'm working on convincing myself that, even though I went to him, that he's to blame and not me. I'm trying to convince myself that he shouldn't have let me in his house. I'm trying to convince myself that my 11 year old brain didn't understand what I was doing.

I don't know. It's a long process...

 

[Immanuel_Varis]

but I was given a choice every time thereafter, because I went back to him for more.

Let me ask you this: was he also given a choice every time you came back to him? Could he have chosen differently as well? Just because you made a choice doesn’t mean that he couldn’t have stopped. He always had a choice.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Let me ask you this: was he also given a choice every time you came back to him? Could he have chosen differently as well? Just because you made a choice doesn’t mean that he couldn’t have stopped. He always had a choice.

Yes, I'm working on that

 

[LittleSteve]

Here's one thing I struggle with, and I've written about it countless times here. I wasn't given a choice to partake the very first time, but I was given a choice every time thereafter, because I went back to him for more. I'm working on convincing myself that, even though I went to him, that he's to blame and not me. I'm trying to convince myself that he shouldn't have let me in his house. I'm trying to convince myself that my 11 year old brain didn't understand what I was doing.

I don't know. It's a long process...

One thing to think about though is you’re talking about you had a choice and he had choices. But something you didn’t have that he did was the fact he knew what he was doing to you, he knew how it would affect you, he knew how irresistible it would be. You didn’t have the understanding or the maturity to be able to make a reasonable or conscious choice on what you were doing. All you could see was the attention you received, the pleasure, being special, and all of it. He exploited that for his own gain, and he knew the more he did the more you would crave it, and still do.