Is Healing Real?

Is Healing Real?
J

jimrh

Registrant
What is real.

I have read many many posts here since I joined in March of 2003. I have had and participated in many many online chats here. People feel free to talk openly about their healing process.

Is it real or is it a coping mechanism.

What are we? We are nothing more than biological beings moving forward in space and time; we have not chosen :confused: either the body nor the environment into which we are deposited for a span of perhaps 75 years on average.

We live, we eat, we breath. We interact with other humans and animals and we learn from those interactions. We learn when to hide, when to speak, when to laugh and when to cry. We have not chosen our environment, but we must survive and accomodate.

Just as some dogs are lucky enough to be born into a litter that lands them as a beautiful handsome athletic breed and into a loving home, some humans are born unwanted and equally unattactive to the average, normal society. These facts cannot be avoided. They cannot be changed. They simple are.

So why does the world work this way? Is there some higher power that takes pleasure in the pain of humans? Are some of us just some joke?

I watch in interest, a loving beautiful man, holding his 2 year old son, equally beautiful and special. Tears well up because I wonder why. Why I wasn't held that way. But it's really a never mind, in the grand scheme of things.

I'm a man now, a father no less, and I should move forward and not think back to then. I work each day for my three beautiful daughters, they don't know pain. They come to me for anything, even to ask me constantly for a puppy.

I never did that.

He would have cursed me at best, beat me at worst.
:rolleyes:

Is there such at thing as only one-way love? I give and give, but do I receive? It is empty. My beautiful daughters give me only cause to live.

It only occurs to me now that there never was a nickname or cute name for me. I was neither cute nor worthy I guess of a nickname. I give them to my daughthers, but I think sometimes I could die.

I call them Schmoops, Woozle, and Sweet Pea.

Why wasn't I? I know why. It's because I wasn't.

For him, I wasn't even plain old Jim, I was 'you' or 'boy' or just a command. Not even the subject.


What is real?

What is real is we are surrounded by images of beautiful people. Men and women who are born with the right genes.

More likely, born with the right conditions so they are affirmed.

Do you heal? I don't think so. You can neither undo nor re-live lost childhood years.

I think you only cope with life, you adjust and you live however you can.

All else is a lie.
 
Yes, healing is real. I believe these things happened because they happened. There is no reason why it was me and not someone else. But I know that I am happier, more loved and more loving than when I first became aware of the abuse (>10 years ago). I also was beaten by my Dad and am a father to two wonderful boys (4 and 2). I love my boys more than anything and would sacrifice anything for their happiness. That in itself is proof of healing. 10 years ago, I wouldn't have had kids or if I did, I probably would have run away out of fear of hurting them. Healing is real and life is real. I don't know if there is a God that created us, but I know that love is the most real thing of all. Without love, there is nothing worth living for.
 
Jim - I feel your pain and a certain sense of hopelessness at all the garbage that you've had to sort and live through. I've followed several of your posts and sense the grief over your lost childhood and the lost touching, holding, affirming that most parents give their children. I plainly hear your deep need to have heard some - any - warmth from your dad. Then to be sexually dumped on compounds the problem! My sense is you are deeply grieving all the things you lost in childhood (and they were many). I know that I keanly became aware of even more losses when I was a father and watching my children grow up with the love, safety and positive emotional support I gave them that I never received. With three young, helpless children looking to you, those feelings of loss intensify!

Grieving is a part of healing. Guys with CSA have genuine, painful, non-recoverable losses that are real! For those losses we grieve. But grieving is for a season and an expected part in the journey.

I grieved strongly for not having a childhood... not one that kids enjoy and benefit from. I also came to the point where I sensed I was losing my present as well. My abusers (many) took my childhood and, by gosh, I wasn't going to give my adulthood, my family, my working years too!
They (gosh I still get angry at them) took and I had NO SAY!!!!! but today, I have the say!!!!!!!And I am going to seize today for me and my family...todays and all the todays to come are mine for living...NOT THEIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are mine! There is healing, Jim, but before that comes the grieving, the anger, feeling lost and in need of support, the personal issues that get in the way of our thinking changes and behaviors...but there will come a time when the healing comes when we have worked on through the pain and suffering.

Let me support you in your journey, Jim! There are sad, depressive times...but, you have three very wonderful daughters - with very special, loving names I might add - who need their dad and who their dad needs them. Grieve for your losses but also celebrate, as you can, your fortunes!

Howard
 
Howard, it doesn't really matter in the end.


I still say, there is no healing.


You only learn to cope with your problems, your issues, your pain.

It's no different than someone who is blind. You learn to cope without the added value of the sense of sight.

There is no healing from the loss of sight. It simply is.

No different than the loss of a leg. You can accomodate it, but there's no replacing. It can never be done. Not in this lifetime.

No turning back the time. Impossible. No changing the life you are born into.

That's what I mean when I say you simply survive. That is all.

Jim
 
Hi Jim:

I understand where you are coming from and yes we simply survive.

But I do think that it is how we survive is terribly important. Do we just exist or do we live life to the fullest and do the best we can with what we have and are.

The Man with no leg cannot get it back but I have seen many people actually go on living life to the fullest. I have also seen others do just the opposite. Never really get over the loss and move on.

I can think of many peopl who, despite their afflictions, continue on in what to me is a very extraordinary fashion.

A Canadian example is a young man who lost his leg to cancer at an early age; an age that would be devistating to a young person. What did he do. He attempted to run across Canada doing a marathon every day from Newfoundland to ThunderBay; roughly half way. The Cancer came again and he eventually died. He knew he had it, it turns out, but he wanted to show others that despite what happened to him he could still smile and live the time that was left to him to do something worthwhile. Every year in the Fall all over the world there are Terry Fox runs for Cancer. Quite a legacy.

Now we all will not do that. But Jim raising to wonderful daughters and knowing they are a part of you has to give you a sense of wonder and accomplishment. And it is your legacy to life. Very few of us are heros but we can accomodate the past and keep it from influencing our future as much as possible.
 
God,I find myself right in between you guys.

On the one hand, I think as you think, Jim, when I'm down or depressed, that nothing really changes, that I'm a wounded animal and nothing that I do will ever make it ever any better.

But on the other hand, I've got daughters, too, but I lived a little longer than you have. Most of the time, I feel that I'm always giving and not receiving--it's always about them.

In their short years, they've traveled almost more than I have, they've experienced more joy than I ever did at their ages and life holds more promise for them financially and personally than anything that I could have imagined for myself when I was their age.

Most of my life, I've been this rageful person who could get angry at just about everything.

My spouse told me the other day that this site has been more positive for me than any of the counselors or therapists that I've/we've had.

What the hell did she mean by that? Have I stopped eating too much, have I stopped reading/watching porn and masturbating, have I paid her more attention, have I set any personal growth goals and stuck to them, have we made any plans to "be there" for each other when the "other" needs special attention????????

Something happened the other night that kind of exemplifies what has happened for us during this time of "healing."

Ranata and I've never danced much because she has said that she doesn't dance. Well, believing her, we never danced.

I've noticed that since she hasn't listened to the radio much during this past 38 years because of her work schedule, I made the obsevation that she can't identify many, if any, music except for the Beatles.

Two nights ago, I asked her to come into the living room where one of my favorites from the "80's" was playing on the radio.

I took her into my arms and began to dance with her. It felt like a date and I was 23 again; except that we had this incredible history.

I kept telling her, whispering really, even though no one else was in the house, that we were going to dance and dance more often--maybe take some lessons.

She began to cry and hung on to me like we had just survived the Titantic.

Ya, maybe I've healed some, certainly tried to curb those distructive time wasters. I've lost 20 pounds and am working on my next ten, I've got a Total Gym and am trying to stay in shape for me,.... and for her, and I'm trying to stay away from rage.

I'm actively working on ways to avoid, dodge, redirect or otherwise change my rageful ways.

Ya, I think that change and healing is possible.

But, I can feel hopeless, at times, as well. Sometimes it's lack of sleep that kicks off the hopelessness, or fatigue, or disappointment because I've missed a deadline or a goal date.

Then, I have to remind myself that, "to err is human."

I do know, however, that I'm going to do my damndest to show my daughters--and my spouse-- that I love them and that they are the most important people in my life.

Most of the time, I didn't get that from my folks--I didn't get beatings but I got "beat up" with their criticism, their rage, their mental illness.

So, ya, most of us have a lot to overcome. Some of us more than others. I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for you, Jim, but like Howard, I join him in offering you a hand of friendship on this journey that at times can seem to be a never ending ordeal of pain.

David
 
i also believe we just survive we can't have back what was taken from us EVER. but you can survive and be happy that's your choice. i chose to be a better man for myself maybe you should do the same do things YOU like think about YOU in the first place. i know it's hard especially when you have kids but it's worth believe me.

john
 
jim
I understand your point about 'healing' meaning "To make well , or whole again" as it says in my dictionary. It's never going to happen, like the lost limb our childhoods aren't coming back.

But we can catch up, and like Mike points out, some people who have great losses just go on and do whatever they did before. One of the fastest drivers I've ever known had his left arm torn off in farm machinery. And he still drove a stick shift car, changing gear right handed and steering with his knees, as fast as before.

And that's how I treat my life now, I just have to do some things differently, make some allowances.
I know, and resent, having to do it; but I accept as well that I have to do it.
The bit I resent is having to do it now and not when I was younger.

Turning 50 the other day was shock to me, and one that has made me more determined to 'heal' as much as is possible. I have to focus on a realistic level of healing.

It's also made me more determined to enjoy the company of those around me.
There's so much to gain from bringing happiness and security to someone else, you're a "Lucky Jim" to have such a family around you.

Dave
 
Jim,
When I've had a real crappy day and I really need something to go right for me, I find myself driving home, pounding on my steering wheel screaming "I hate being a f***ing creature!! I feel like this god thing is having a really great time messing with me. I feel like I have no control over anything and nothing that matters to me seems to matter to anyone or anything else. It just is and I have to deal with it or check out.

I learned very well at a very early age at my mother's depressed knee that scraped knees, hurt feelings, put downs, dead pets, pain of any sort was no big thing. I learned that nothing really mattered and I learned and internalized it well. What was central to my mother's lessons was her belief that needs were useless wastes of time because they couldn't get met anyway so just shut up, quit complaining and move on. What I couldn't know then was that these were "her" issues that quickly got infused into me. So when I needed her to comfort me, she'd push me away and tell me to be a "big boy". When I needed her to wipe my tears and hold me, she'd say this crazy saying in french that meant I shouldn't sweat the small stuff. So when I lay in bed day after day hungering for someone to hold and hold me, someone to tell me he loves me and mean it, someone who can appreciate me for the survivor I am instead of the baggage ridden victim I am often judged to be, my mother comes screaming out of me telling me it doesn't matter which really means that I don't matter. I'm too old. I'm too messed up. Who in their right mind would waste their time with someone like me? Somehow I need to remember that all that shit is HER'S.

The truth is...I NEED...and it's part of being human. What do you need? I hurt and need you to be able to love me inspite of it. I cry and need you to sit there, hold me, shut-up, and be as safe as my teddy bear. I get scared when I switch without warning from this adult man to a little boy and need to know it's ok for him to come to you for reassurance and support. And you know what, when I get these needs met...I feel better. I feel whole. I feel ok ...for that moment..until I need you again. I don't know if that equals "change" but in those moments I'm ok with life. And you will be too...if you get what you "need now".

Try it...we're listening.....

Taz
 
Jimrh,

it doesn't really matter in the end.
Click to expand...
Not in the end, but then healing isn't really for the end is it? Its for whats in between the beginning and the end.

Yes, I think there is healing. Healing is not repair. You will not be made whole and given your childhood back. There will always be a scar and some impairment / loss.

Healing is not feeling that open wound constantly and letting it drive your life. So yes maybe it is just coping in way, thats really just playing word games though.

Healing, being healed is not an end, its a way, method, journey, trip, etc...

Your post reminds me a lot of myself, something I would say. So kinda pisses me off, like I would get pissed off at myself. Sorry for that.

You seem like an intelligent guy and in way that can be a drawback. You can think yourself in circles and it all seems rational. It is rational, you make very cogent points. Trouble is healing is not about thinking, its about feeling and emotions my brother. Scary shit!

I can't help but wonder if your not a little afraid of feeling the full impact of your emotions and therefore are trying to think them away. You / we have to feel them. Believe me that scares the crap out of me too. I'm no expert.

I think you have healed some. How else could you be so good to your daughters. At least you have halted the cycle of abuse and you deserve a lot of credit for that. Heaps!!!!!!!!

You can't feel the good, the give back because you are still stifled by the negative emotions and loss of your abuse. You need to have at them, let go of them; then there will be room for the good.

I am no expert, really! Sometimes I come accross like I have the answers but really its a lot of smoke & mirrors. Takes a lotta work and wears me out. But this my friend is from the heart and I think its true. You gotta feel it, not think it!!!

I wish you all the healing in the world, you do deserve it and are worthy of it.

Be good to yourself, for real, I mean it!!!

Aaron
 
Taz,

I never thought too much about it until you wrote what you did about your Mother. That is EXACTLY what she did to me. I had to always be a 'big boy' or the 'man of the house'. I never remember feeling like a little boy, or kid or teenager. I always felt like I was an adult with adult problems, responsibilities (like babysitting my younger sisters and brother from an early age).

I remember something very distinctly because it was so traumatic. I also know the age because of the historic nature of the event. I was 3 1/2 years old in October 1963 when I fell into a propane tank and split my forehead, requiring a large number of stiches. I remember the blood all over me but I wasn't crying. I remember I was ashamed that I hurt myself (and always was so I tried to never do anything to stay out of trouble). I don't remember any comfort, just being yelled at for hurting myself. I remember the stainless steel cold emergency room and being told I did good for not moving or screaming while they put all those stiches in. I see it like yesterday. Then a few weeks later, I had to go back to get the stiches out. I didn't cry then either, because if I did, then I wasn't a big boy, a good boy. That's the way it always was. My parents tell the story but in their eyes, the most significant part of that day was, President Kennedy was shot. Novemeber, 1963.

Aaron, I think what you are saying rings some truth, however "I think you have healed some. How else could you be so good to your daughters. At least you have halted the cycle of abuse and you deserve a lot of credit for that. Heaps!!!!!!!!"

Well, I'd just say that all you have to do is be the slightest bit aware of what's going on and rationally understand that physical and verbal abuse of your children is unacceptable.

"You can't feel the good, the give back because you are still stifled by the negative emotions and loss of your abuse. You need to have at them, let go of them; then there will be room for the good."

I guess just as I don't understand when people say they love me (don't understand why), I don't understand the 'having at the emotions'. It doesn't seem at all logical nor necessary. If so, then what do you do, how do you do it?

Someone recently told me I'm like a person stuck in a closed barrel, enclosed in it to protect myself. Maybe. Actually, most times I think I am the barrel and there is nothing inside.

When I have opened up and let some form of feeling out, I have gotten only rejection. If you think there is a little boy named Jimmy inside me that wants to come out, he cannot. He cannot. I did that recently with someone I met. I told him how I felt about him (I really like him alot). He hasn't called me back.

I did that some months ago with someone else I met. Same thing. I did it 11 years ago to another guy that I had a crush on. He was a very good friend. We worked in the same office. He transfered to another office immediately and never spoke to me again.

I've told my wife how I feel about things. She tells me I need reparative therapy to fix my orientation.

I recently had to tell my whole family about my marriage situation and the fact that it's driven by me facing the reality that I'm gay. They haven't spoken to me since.

Jimmy can't come out. He's either rejected, or he's told he's sick and needs healing.

I'm not afraid of the full impact of my emotions. The don't exist. What does exist is the need to hide and wear that barrel around myself. Maybe what I am really afraid of is more rejection.

Jim :eek:
 
Jim,

Were we brothers in another life or something? I read so much of your post and it feels like this amazing deja vu. My little boy is jumping for joy because he can sense the presence of yours and knows exactly why it isn't safe for him to come out yet. I've said to my friends that coming out as a gay man was nothing compared to coming out as "me".

When I was five years old, I got my lower lip bashed on a swing set. I looked down at my white sweat shirt and saw nothing but red. That's when I completely dissociated and didn't come to again until I was in the doctor's office getiing stitches put in. I still remember the terror seeing the needle coming at my face. It scared me so badly that I've never been able to have novacaine for dental work. I'm totally phobic to needles. But the important part of this is that it didn't matter to either of my parents that I was completely traumatized. No comfort...just that challenge to be bigger than my years so I wouldn't need anything from them. For most of my life they've been two people to be avoided at all cost for fear of getting shamed yet again. So if the two people who are supposed to love me don't then what earthly reason do I have to believe that a perfect stranger is going to want to love the real me and not the barrel cover I'm wearing for safety too?
_________________________________________________
I don't understand the 'having at the emotions'. It doesn't seem at all logical nor necessary. If so, then what do you do, how do you do it?
_________________________________________________
My god...how many times have I said this too? And what I've discovered is that it's all about having at least one person in this whole world with whom you can feel intrinsically "safe". That's when you'll allow your "self" to feel and then come the emotions. "Jimmy" is in there just waiting for that someone who can be there in a real way, just for him, and with no agenda. Not to fix him, change him, toughen him, whatever. Just have the privilege of being there with him when he pokes his little head out for the first time with the courage of a thousand grown men and the innocence of every child. This I've experienced and it works!

And when you shared about being honest with others who you had feelings for and got rejected, I'll share with you what others have told me. I've been told that my honesty/intimacy scares people who just aren't there yet. All the while I'm believing that it's me whose so screwed up! I too haven't yet found a man who can handle it, not get completely freaked by it and not run away. But in the meantime, all my little boy wants is to find other little boys with whom he can just be himself with, and put a "big boys go away sign" on the door!

I know Jimmy has no reason to believe me or anyone else in here, but I would like him to be my friend....barrel and all. Thanks so much for telling more of your story. It's helping me to feel less afraid of telling more of mine. See you later......

Taz
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top