Dmcdd, you said:
"I'm glad he's getting counselling, but being the overly protective parent that I am, if I knew of someone in a position of power over my kids that had searched for and viewed child porn - well, I'd treat that person just like my family. No contact at all forever. I have a zero tolerance policy towards potential perps. I'm not giving any advice here, just another self-cenetered point of view"
These words hit me kind of hard. Ive never been so furious as when I found the child porn. At the time I convinced myself it was a symptom of my husbands porn addiction in general. When I found it I told him Id leave with the baby and hed never see us again if he brought any more porn of any type into the house. Id never had a major issue with porn before, but I also never experienced being in relationship with someone who often chose paper or celluloid bodies over my own. I kept this horrible incident to myself for over a year until it came out in counseling about the SA and incest from his childhood. Then I flipped out completely and told everybody. Everyone in my family, who loved Danny dearly like a brother or a son, now knows (except for my father because I know thered be no way he could take it) that my husband used the computer for child porn. I also told his brothers wife about it (Danny is godfather to his brothers two kids). I found the file in the morning after hed left for work hed left a file sharing program open from late the night before. There was just one file that appeared to be very real. He claimed he went to bed and didnt even see it. Hes told our counselor that he never sought it out before, but she doesnt really buy it because she knows that a lot of men who are that addicted to porn sort of stumble into things.
About the father-in-laws sleaze, Ive asked my husband before didnt any of his other girlfriends get completely grossed out by him? And Danny said that his girlfriends in the past were usually the type of girls who would just flirt back with him. I think people with inappropriate sexual backgrounds and boundaries are often drawn together.
It does blow my mind that Stephens sister Dava visits him a couple times a month, and she brings her little girl with her. Danny says hes sure Dava would never leave her daughter around Stephen unsupervised. How do people have relationships with perps like that? I do think it has a lot to do with money. Dava seemed like a lost soul to me, and has never been able to support herself financially. She begged Danny to take the secret to his grave in order to save from breaking grandpas heart. Danny told her what Stephen had done to him as a kid, and did she think Sarah was safe in the house with Stephen and Dava said yes, I think she is but heres what Stephen did to me when I was 3 and 4 years old and Stephen was 19. Why? To what purpose? I wish I knew what was going on in Davas head when she told him and what she hoped it would accomplish. Im convinced she knows Sarah is abused but she figures theres nothing to be done about it.
I guess it really bothers you SAR, that I dont know what Im supposed to do. I get angry, simplistic answers from people, like call 1-800-STOPITNOW, etc. Trust me, Ive talked a lot with the stopitnow people, mostly about my own daughter because that has to be my number one concern before I worry about anyone else. Ive called half the hotline numbers in the country. It isnt a simple situation. It isnt cut and dried. I feel deep down that Sarah is abused. My husband says he feels deep down that shes not. I believe even if she were abused, shed never admit it. Shes extremely infantilized and dependant upon her parents. Shes overindulged which is often a cover for abuse, by the way. I know for sure abuse exists in milder forms, such as pornography being right there in a lower cupboard in the kitchen, and I know disgusting things have to come out of Stephens mouth in front of Sarah all the time, because the man is completely arrogant, has no filter on his mouth, and just doesnt care about being decent at all. My husband has only seen Sarah four times in her whole life. Ive only seen her one time (spent a week there at Christmas one year it was enough to tell me the child and her situation were far from normal. She was anorexic, drinking formula from a bottle still and sucking a pacifier, sleeping in her parents bed at the age of 9). They never let her go anywhere because they say shes allergic to everything. She could never come visit us, for example.
Other things I have to take into consideration is that Stephen would definitely suspect me if the law showed up in some form to protect Sarah. Danny told him I found out about his sexual history with his son and wanted a background investigation done on him. Danny was very angry with me initially, for telling off his dad on the phone for the porn hes sent to my house, for telling just about everybody (neighbors included) that Danny viewed child porn. I think hes over that now and just yesterday in an email Danny said he hasnt ruled out cutting off contact with his dad indefinitely. They havent spoken in at least 3 weeks. Stephen does scare me, I know he has many connections with people in the porn industry and those people are criminals in my opinion. I do fear retaliation. So Ive pondered the idea of trying to make nice with Stephen and his wife just to throw them off the track.
Danny has spent hours and hours taking psychological tests to determine whether hes a risk to children or not. The psychiatrist says she doesnt think he is, but that his father is. Just trying to sort the mess out with our family (separation, the morning I called the police, worrying about my daughters safety) has taken up all our time in therapy. Danny keeps saying he wants to talk to the therapist about how he can go about helping Sarah. I think he thinks maybe he can find a way to talk to her that will tell him if shes okay or not. I just dont know about that, because like I said I dont think shed ever say anything. Stephen obviously has very strong power over his victims because my husband didnt see what he did as so wrong until 24 years later, his brother still views his sexual initiation as he calls it as a positive experience. And Aunt Dava still visits Stephen a couple times a month and is convinced Stephen has no memory of molesting her as a child.
Again, I apologize that this subject is so disturbing and that a child could be in a bad situation right now. Ive picked up the phone to report so many times, but I just have to be sure Im doing it the right way. Well consult with the therapist, Ill do what I can to get Danny to come around, but my patience is going to wear thin eventually. My sister is a lawyer and has said shed make the call to the prosecutor because it might have more weight coming from an attorney. Im afraid Danny might be thinking of just cutting his dad out of his life, and that would include his little sister. Its just that my big brother has always been there for me when Ive really needed him, and I attach a lot of importance to the title brother. Stephen has had other children Danny never even got the opportunity to be a brother to, as Stephen abandoned those kids. My motivation is definitely two-fold. Ill admit freely that I want to get the bastard, that theres an element of revenge involved because this last year and a half of hell Ive been in all started with him. And I was always taught that all children and defenseless animals are all our responsibility.
... I saw her in the grocery store one day and said, "Oh good, I saved you a step--now you don't have to come to my house and look in the fridge..."