Is he a victim?

Is he a victim?
T

tornadodreamer

New Registrant
I am visiting here because I am searching for a clue about some of the upsetting things I have noticed about my boyfriend, and whether they could be signs that he was abused as a child in some fashion. I should preface this by saying I have instigated conversations about this a few times, and he assures me that he has no deep dark secrets. And laughs at me for worrying. Granted, I haven't come straight out and said "Were you abused?" but I've let him know that I am here if he has something he needs to talk about...with no results.

There are many little things I've noticed that concern me, but the biggest is a feeling of guilt he gets anytime he feels sexual pleasure or gratification. At almost 30, he has never had intercourse(and to be perfectly blunt...he has had plenty of opportunities, he is a very attractive man and has had several serious girlfriends) He has had rarely had an orgasm. He says that when he experiences orgasm he feels this wave of guilt and bad feelings that overwhelms him, and I've several times seen him brought to tears by it. In which case I just hold him until he stops, I don't know what to do -- I've never dated anyone with any problem remotely like this. In life in general he seems to experience guilt anytime he experiences something pleasurable, and doesn't let himself enjoy things that should give him gratification, like praise at work, etc. But I see it most clearly in sex. He has no issue with giving me pleasure, but in fact enjoys it. He's slowly allowing me to pleasure him, although honestly I think he'd rather not. He's joked that his ideal relationship would be with a woman with no sex drive. He gets swept up in the feeling but when it nears completion he either stops or gets upset afterwardif he ejaculates. The thought of having intercourse is still very frightening to him whenever I broach the topic. He also gets upset when anything could be interpreted as sexually demeaning to me; like one time I gave him oral sex on my knees and he was very upset about that, or if ejaculate gets on my face or sheets, or if he gets to aggressive in bed he will apologize to me effusively even though I assure him it doesn't bother me (I actually enjoy it, really, I have no hang-ups with any of these things)

I would not qualify him as clinically depressed, but he seems to have a general low-grade depression all the time. He's not particularly sad, but he's never particularly happy. Again, he has said he has a hard time ever really feeling good or excited about anything. Then again, never feels particularly low. He just feels...kind of in the middle, all the time.

a few other observations -

- he has said several times that he has 'trust issues', without necessarily elaborating but he often says it when we are talking about sex

- as others I have read on the board, he is an overachiever and a total workaholic, drives himself to exhaustion and is a total perfectionist.

- has said he doesn't want to have sex because he feels it will ruin the relationship, like somehow sex voids love. Or sex and love cannot go hand in hand. He has no desire to have children, thinks that children would also ruin a relationship.

- have no idea if this is relevent, but he comes from an extremely Catholic family, went to all Catholic schools, and I've wondered if this could explain the guilt issue. Maybe? he is now very much against the Catholic church, for a variety of reasons....not a part of it at all, and never really was except for being forced by family. I do not wish to bring it Catholicism to promote any stereotypes about Catholics and sexual abuse, I just want to bring it up incase it's relevant to someone reading this...

I could go on and on about more things but I don't want to make this so long that no one reads it!

I love this man so much, and I desperately want to be there for him if something is wrong. But if something did happen to him, he either doesn't realize it at all (is suppressing it) or is not ready to tell it to me yet. Because he laughs at me and says I worry too much...but I look at the sum of all of these things about him....and I do worry. Am I crazy? Am I so sick of overanalyzing my own problems that I've moved on to my poor boyfriend? Ha! Seriously, he is an unhappy man and I want to ease his pain, but I can't help if I don't understand the crux of the problem.

For those of you who have experienced this...do these things ring familiar with you? What do you think? And what should I do...should I just wait things out and see what happens, or should I say something to him. I've encouraged him to get professional help for his issues, but he is not comfortable with that at all and won't do it. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm worried that eventually these sexual problems will effect our relationship.

If you have any advice, I'm all ears. I'm kind of desperate. Thanks!
 
tornadodreamer,

Certainly it's possible he was abused as a boy, and that would explain his issues with sex and trust. Survivors sometimes also become workaholics (I was for a long time) in an effort to make up for their low self-esteem.

Childhood abuse would be my first guess here, but of course that's all it is. Another possibility is that he comes from a family in which sex was a matter of shame. In some such families a boy is shamed and punished for masturbating; then when he stops or reduces it and has a wet dream, he is shamed and punished for that as well. Imagine how that can mess with a kid's head.

What to do? Unfortunately there is little a partner can do for a guy who can't or won't admit that he needs help. Try to be as supportive as you can, make sure he knows you love him for who he is, however that might be, and let him know that you are willing to listen if he wants to talk.

I'm glad you came here. This sort of thing affects the partner as well, and we have a great circle of them here on the site. Remember too that your concerns and needs also count and that everyone here will be supportive.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi tornadodreamer,

Did you ever hear the saying "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck - it's a duck"?

Larry has given a couple of plausible explanations both of which I thought of while I was reading your post.

I was raised in a family in which I was shamed, even whipped to the point of physical abuse for even thinking sexual thoughts or getting caught masturbating.

Never once did it dawn on the folks that there just might be a reason an 8 or 10 year old boy would be acting out that way. That reason was indeed that I had been sexually abused by a teenage neighbor beginning before my 7th birthday and continuing till sometime when I was 10.

I grew up with the idea from several sources that sex was shameful. This continued even after I got married. Thankfully I was not affected to the extent your boyfriend seems to have been (if indeed SA is the cause). I found it too enjoyable and perhaps had too much of a rebellious spirit to be put off sex to that extent!

Anyhow, it sure seems like a duck to me.

Advise? I'm not sure I have any except to say that if you choose to continue a relationship with this man, It'll not be an easy road. If you can somehow work with him to seek professional help, it could be a rewarding tho heartrending experience for you. Being the partner of a survivor can be a bit of a trial. Ask my wife, or any of the other guy's wives. There are women on this "Family and Friends" forum who can share with you about these things, and I'm sure they will.

Continue to come here and read, post your concerns and questions.

I'm glad you found this place tho I am sorry you have the need.

Lots of love,

John
 
Tornado
- has said he doesn't want to have sex because he feels it will ruin the relationship, like somehow sex voids love. Or sex and love cannot go hand in hand. He has no desire to have children, thinks that children would also ruin a relationship.
Click to expand...
That's a common thing amongst survivors, very often we cannot maintain the essential link between sex and love.

We learned our sex in all the wrong ways, it was imposed and forced upon us, often with violence.
Our trust in adults or other responsible people was shattered.
Many of us were subjected to sex acts that are homosexual rather than our natural orientation.
And we were 'learning' all this, and more, at an age that was entirely wrong, we were still boys.

So it's no surprise that so many of us fail to associate sex acts with love and intimacy, I've been married for over 30 years, started therapy in 1999, and STILL can't bring sex and intimacy together.

Good therapy is probably the best option, and I always recommend that a therapist is found that 1. knows about CSA and it's special needs, and 2. also has a good knowledge of psychosexual problems.

Dave
 
Tornado,

Your pain is real, your b/f's is too. Is it caused by csa? I don't know. Every symptom you describe could certainly be made to fit without any stretching of the facts, but unless he tells you, you'll never know.

I have a brother-in-law who, to my knowledge, was never s/a yet he too shows many of the signs and symptoms of one who did. He has suffered depression and an inability to cope for much of his adult life, mostly, I believe, caused by the traumatic, unexpected death of an older sister when he was just a little boy and the resulting f***edupedness of his parents and older siblings. Then to boot, his 1st wife died in their home of a sudden virus that attacked her heart. As if that wasn't bad enough, my brother-in-law is a nurse who had to fight his way through the thought that he should have been able to revive and save her. Then, he was left to raise two young girls. Not a pretty scene.

There are so many reasons why a man would suffer so much in his adult life and any number of traumas could have caused it.

You may be dead-on in your suspicions, but what to do with them? Nothing. If you repeatedly suggest to him what you suspect, he'll eventually take it as an accusation and that would wind up being a nightmare for both of you.

Regardless of the reasons, he is a hurt man with damaged parts. You love him and you want to be there for him. Whether its s/a or something else, I think the answer for you is the same. Keep loving him and keep reassuring him that you do. Be available for him if he feels the need to talk and always be the kind of person he can trust. Sooner or later, he may talk to you about whatever it is.

Its been suggested several times on these boards to buy Mike Lews book Victims No Longer and leave it lying around for a survivor to read, but in your case, I dont think that would be a good idea. I just finished reading Antoine Fishers book, Finding Fish. Antoine is a victim of child abuse, csa and the foster system in general and Finding Fish is his story. Its very sad, but very inspirational. If youre a reader, you could certainly pick that one up without raising suspicions and perhaps your b/fs interest would be a little peaked and it would prompt a conversation. Just an idea.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Thank you all for your great advice! As I knew, there is no litmus test for this kind of thing, but it has been helpful to me to hear from other people who seem to have similar struggles as he does. Whatever the reason he struggles. I still don't understand but as you guys suggested I'm just going to continue being there for him and hopefully together we'll figure this all out. I do think it could be a number of things that are bothering him, and I'm continuing to encourage him to seek therapy. I know he doesn't seem to think it will help, but I point out how many times he has told me how grateful he is to have me in his life now to talk to about these things...if talking to me is so helpful to him, I'm sure that talking to an unbiased person who actually has tools to help him can only be more helpful.

Thanks everyone and I'm glad I found this board...hopefully will never have to share it with the boyfriend, hopefully he is just a mixed-up guy and not something more serious.
 
Trish:

Thanks for the book recommendation! I am an avid reader, and I just went to Amazon and placed the order for the book, the DVD and a book of poetry written by Antwone Fisher, entitled "Who Will Cry for the Little Boy?"

Clem
 
Clem,

I never saw the movie, but one of the guys here was talking about Antwone Fisher and it peeked my interest so I got the book. It was a difficult book to read at times because of his struggles, but worth every minute. I haven't read his poetry book, but I may do that over the summer.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
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