Is he a narcissist? Or just terrified? Does this get better?
Stuckinarut
New Registrant
My boyfriend is a survivor. We are currently broken up to take some time to ourselves and get the treatment we need to heal - him from his past and me from him (though I would never phrase it that way to his face as it would hurt his feelings). I am really struggling with keeping his healing front-and-center in my mind. I am really struggling sometimes with not just seeing him as an abusive man.
I’m a survivor of my own traumatic past as well (repeated rape, DV, extreme abuse as a child) but I’ve been in therapy for decades and it’s helped me learn to cope fairly well, considering. This will be his first time in therapy and he’s mostly coped with life through a combination of sex addiction, manipulating women, lying, and raging. Lately, he’s very distant and cold most of the time. He has terrible rages. He is perpetually grumpy, aggressive, and openly rude. He yells horrible insults that attack me as a person, as a woman, as anyone of value. He intentionally says whatever he thinks will damage me the most as a person. I’ve been compared to his infidelity partners more than once - but he has to be able to believe, meanwhile, that I was a virgin before we met, or all Hell breaks loose. I sometimes wonder if he’s just macho or if he’s legitimately insane. His possessiveness of me makes no sense as I’m not the one cheating and he knows that. He invents fights about nothing - just to rub other women in my face or bring up how I mentioned that I had an ex once, years ago. It’s bizarre. (My gut tells me it’s due to his own projections of his guilt over his out-of-control sex addiction but I could be wrong.)
We’ve decided to take several months off until he gets better (his idea, along with his doctor - he said he’s been pulling away to keep from hurting me even more because he knows what he’s doing). Why not just stop doing it? I have PTSD, too. I’ve been raped and I’m not trying to have anonymous sex while attacking a safe sex partner. He told his shrink he doesn’t think I’m safe and she said, “She *obviously* is so you need to take some time off from the relationship until you learn that.” I don’t understand. I’ve never cheated. I don’t hit him or force myself on him or pressure him for sex. I’m extremely open. I don’t know what else he wants from me. I can’t be good enough to earn being treated right and I’m not tolerating being treated like shit forever.
I asked him if he just wanted an open relationship and he shut that down immediately. He said he doesn’t even like the other people, they’re gross, I can see that they’re unattractive and sketchy (they are). I asked him why he doesn’t just stop, then. He says he doesn’t know. He insisted it’s “just cyber.” I’m not sure if that’s true but hopefully he’ll tell me the whole truth someday.
He has these moments of incredible clarity and vulnerability when he says he’s so sorry for everything he’s put me through, he loves me so much, he’d do anything for me, and he just needs time to heal. Those moments are fewer and farther between at this stage of his recovery and I want to believe they aren’t just fake. I think they’re who he really is, underneath the trauma - but I’ve dealt with a very high number of (diagnosed) psychopaths in my life and I don’t want to just be endlessly abused. Is it real? Is he really hurting or just fucking with me? Why is he “who he is” so rarely around me anymore? When will that get better? Is this just our life now?
I asked my shrink if he was just messing with me and she said “That’s a thought distortion. He loves you - albeit in his own perverse way. He loves you as much as he can love right now. He needs help.”
He has a lot of the symptoms of narcissism but not all of them - and I don’t know how much of it is trauma vs. addiction vs. a real problem that will not go away. We’re taking a break but I’m not sure if he really loves me or if he just wants to leave the door part-way open while he goes out to pursue 79 different strangers on the side.
Is he just a narcissist? His shrink had said to give it a few months and it will get better. Is that a real thing? Does this get better with time? My own shrinks keep telling me to leave for a long while or forever and that it’s abusive. How long does it take before it gets better? A year? Two years? Five?
I love him very much and that’s why I’ve stayed despite knowing everything that’s been going on. But my trauma response has been very different from his. I don’t understand where his behavior comes from or what it accomplishes in his mind. How is he safer? How does he feel better by pushing me away? How does he feel better by hurting me when I’m safe? He told his shrink he’s not sure I’m safe and I understand in theory what that comes from (family trauma) but I don’t understand-understand.
He says that I can’t have empathy for his situation and I think that’s true. I don’t understand the horrible things he’s been through. I want to be there for him. I want to help. I want to be close to him because that’s the only thing I know to do - to hold someone, to cook for them, to tell them they’re going to be okay when they cry. He doesn’t want any of that. He doesn’t cry - he screams and threatens and breaks things. He insults and cheats and sex-chats with *really* gross women on his phone. He says he hates me because I can’t show him that I understand. I can’t even imagine how much he must be going through right now. I want to learn and to be there for him. I don’t know how to be there for an angry, screaming, verbally abusive cheater who doesn’t even want me around. What am I supposed to be doing?! Is just giving him space enough? How do I stay there for myself and keep from just getting torn apart by this, as well? I feel like I’m drowning.
He used to be different. He’s always been a little distant and grumpy but it used to be charming. It wasn’t like this. Ever since he told me (I was the first person he ever told), he’s been attacking me and telling me I’m “unsafe” and I’m “going to use it against him.” What a scary, terrible way to see the world. What the Hell would anyone even gain by hurting someone in that way?! I’ve never done anything like that and I don’t know where these false beliefs about me come from.
Have your own loved ones gotten better with a few months or years of treatment? Do they lash out at you all of the time? Were they able to overcome sex addiction? Is this typical?
I’m a survivor of my own traumatic past as well (repeated rape, DV, extreme abuse as a child) but I’ve been in therapy for decades and it’s helped me learn to cope fairly well, considering. This will be his first time in therapy and he’s mostly coped with life through a combination of sex addiction, manipulating women, lying, and raging. Lately, he’s very distant and cold most of the time. He has terrible rages. He is perpetually grumpy, aggressive, and openly rude. He yells horrible insults that attack me as a person, as a woman, as anyone of value. He intentionally says whatever he thinks will damage me the most as a person. I’ve been compared to his infidelity partners more than once - but he has to be able to believe, meanwhile, that I was a virgin before we met, or all Hell breaks loose. I sometimes wonder if he’s just macho or if he’s legitimately insane. His possessiveness of me makes no sense as I’m not the one cheating and he knows that. He invents fights about nothing - just to rub other women in my face or bring up how I mentioned that I had an ex once, years ago. It’s bizarre. (My gut tells me it’s due to his own projections of his guilt over his out-of-control sex addiction but I could be wrong.)
We’ve decided to take several months off until he gets better (his idea, along with his doctor - he said he’s been pulling away to keep from hurting me even more because he knows what he’s doing). Why not just stop doing it? I have PTSD, too. I’ve been raped and I’m not trying to have anonymous sex while attacking a safe sex partner. He told his shrink he doesn’t think I’m safe and she said, “She *obviously* is so you need to take some time off from the relationship until you learn that.” I don’t understand. I’ve never cheated. I don’t hit him or force myself on him or pressure him for sex. I’m extremely open. I don’t know what else he wants from me. I can’t be good enough to earn being treated right and I’m not tolerating being treated like shit forever.
I asked him if he just wanted an open relationship and he shut that down immediately. He said he doesn’t even like the other people, they’re gross, I can see that they’re unattractive and sketchy (they are). I asked him why he doesn’t just stop, then. He says he doesn’t know. He insisted it’s “just cyber.” I’m not sure if that’s true but hopefully he’ll tell me the whole truth someday.
He has these moments of incredible clarity and vulnerability when he says he’s so sorry for everything he’s put me through, he loves me so much, he’d do anything for me, and he just needs time to heal. Those moments are fewer and farther between at this stage of his recovery and I want to believe they aren’t just fake. I think they’re who he really is, underneath the trauma - but I’ve dealt with a very high number of (diagnosed) psychopaths in my life and I don’t want to just be endlessly abused. Is it real? Is he really hurting or just fucking with me? Why is he “who he is” so rarely around me anymore? When will that get better? Is this just our life now?
I asked my shrink if he was just messing with me and she said “That’s a thought distortion. He loves you - albeit in his own perverse way. He loves you as much as he can love right now. He needs help.”
He has a lot of the symptoms of narcissism but not all of them - and I don’t know how much of it is trauma vs. addiction vs. a real problem that will not go away. We’re taking a break but I’m not sure if he really loves me or if he just wants to leave the door part-way open while he goes out to pursue 79 different strangers on the side.
Is he just a narcissist? His shrink had said to give it a few months and it will get better. Is that a real thing? Does this get better with time? My own shrinks keep telling me to leave for a long while or forever and that it’s abusive. How long does it take before it gets better? A year? Two years? Five?
I love him very much and that’s why I’ve stayed despite knowing everything that’s been going on. But my trauma response has been very different from his. I don’t understand where his behavior comes from or what it accomplishes in his mind. How is he safer? How does he feel better by pushing me away? How does he feel better by hurting me when I’m safe? He told his shrink he’s not sure I’m safe and I understand in theory what that comes from (family trauma) but I don’t understand-understand.
He says that I can’t have empathy for his situation and I think that’s true. I don’t understand the horrible things he’s been through. I want to be there for him. I want to help. I want to be close to him because that’s the only thing I know to do - to hold someone, to cook for them, to tell them they’re going to be okay when they cry. He doesn’t want any of that. He doesn’t cry - he screams and threatens and breaks things. He insults and cheats and sex-chats with *really* gross women on his phone. He says he hates me because I can’t show him that I understand. I can’t even imagine how much he must be going through right now. I want to learn and to be there for him. I don’t know how to be there for an angry, screaming, verbally abusive cheater who doesn’t even want me around. What am I supposed to be doing?! Is just giving him space enough? How do I stay there for myself and keep from just getting torn apart by this, as well? I feel like I’m drowning.
He used to be different. He’s always been a little distant and grumpy but it used to be charming. It wasn’t like this. Ever since he told me (I was the first person he ever told), he’s been attacking me and telling me I’m “unsafe” and I’m “going to use it against him.” What a scary, terrible way to see the world. What the Hell would anyone even gain by hurting someone in that way?! I’ve never done anything like that and I don’t know where these false beliefs about me come from.
Have your own loved ones gotten better with a few months or years of treatment? Do they lash out at you all of the time? Were they able to overcome sex addiction? Is this typical?