Is abuse ever a temporary thing?

[learning2remember]

As I remember it, some of the things Mom did to me happened only for a time. I remember as a teenager I would be getting ready for school in the morning, and she would come into my room without wearing anything on top. She would be getting dressed or putting on deodorant, but when she came into her room she would be baring her breasts to me.

I asked a therapist about this, though I'm not sure I gave the detail. I think I vaguely asked about what was normal level of dress in families, and the therapist said that this varies.

As far as I recall, though, Mom did not do this when I was a kid; only when I was a teenager ("full-blown puberty" is what she called it). She re-married when I was 19 or 20, and things either stopped then or by then.

If I think about it, my parents divorced when I was 14, so Mom's single years were my teenage years.

Maybe what I am describing isn't even abuse. Anyway, has anyone else been abused by someone only for a time?

 

[Sterling]

I would assume several have.
I know my abuse stopped at 11, before puberty.
Thanks for your post.

James

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Learning2Remember,

My mother used to sexualize conversations with me regularly for many many years. It stopped when I asked her to stop it. The stuff she used to do when I was in high school (sex education) stopped once I left home.

It took a great deal of courage to ask her to stop (I only did this after my father died and on the recommendation of a therapist), but it worked!

This isn't quite what I think you may have been asking for, but it sort of fits. I hope it helps.

Cheers,

GAATT

 

[focusedbody]

Learning2remember:

Although your question seems like a simple one, there may be a lot in it.

One thing that may be making things difficult is the fact that it was a "temporary thing". That can make it harder to understand the person as doing anything wrong.

The other important part of your description seems to me to be about the fact that you were in your teenage years, your adolescence. I think it is fair to say that adolescence is not easy on anyone. It is also possible that generation after generation has endured some form of difficult adolescence.

Although the incidents you described stopped after your mother remarried, I also wonder if it is possible that the fact that you were going through adolescence was itself some kind of trigger for her.

Recently I have opened up conversations about my adolescence with my Mom. It is interesting to hear her response because she tries to relate with some reference to her own. While it may seem like her experiences are few and far between compared to mine, it is also clear that her own adolescence was no picnic.

Sometimes it is hard because our own traumatic experiences make us feel like others have moved on while we stay the same. And when our mothers are involved it seems like we will never move on. Maybe there is room to trust that our own healing process can progress even without the person to whom we were trusting the greatest amount of care of well-being.

Because she was human after all.

FB

 

[sorryson]

I read this and understand it now after over a year of counseling and my brother's attempted suicide. It is so sad. Mama I think is a loving person but she had many issues. She would belittle Dad, share her less than lackluster sex life with him with us, she would tell as how inadequate Dad was and how they did not have sex. Maybe she needed to look at herself or have reached out to Dad who we learned suffered CSA as a child. Instead we were big people but were only children. Like her mother who kept at the foot of her bed a comforter (they use some fancy term) from an old boyfriend and would tell Mama and her siblings she should have married him instead of grandpa. Poor grandpa. No wonder Mama did not know how to love a husband, grandma was the same despite not as mean. Grandma would make fun of grandpa with her children until grandpa left the table and they would continue to make fun of him, grandma saying look at my life. Mama did it to Dad all the time, when visitors would be there she made fun of him, left him with us after his heartache for months on months to keep her mother and siblings happy. She would return, Dad was fighting the demons but Mama could not see it, instead she expected more and more, leaving more and more. She recruited us with her talk about Dad, his lack of interest in sex with her and how wounded she was, she drank every night. We fell under her spell and learned to belittle and abuse Dad. Dad nearly died we learned years later, could have been suicide.

A controlling parent is only looking for love for themselves. Grandma did it so she would be best loved and Mama did it. The doctor's and counselors told Mama talk about her sex life in front of us was totally wrong and caused many problems, my sister's alcoholism and my brother's near suicide. Mama tried to blame it on Dad as did her family, the selfish bastards taking a mother from her young children and a wife from a sick husband so they could take a vacation, get away for the weekend. Mama's need to be loved after she abandoned us. She turned to the sex talk to convince us it was Dad who turned on her, she turned on him. When he was sick she pretended her mother's illness was more important even though she had sisters, brothers and a father who lived near the mother.

Child should not feel sexualized and brought into the parents sex life. It nearly killed my brother and could have killed my sister. I was screwed up because of my own CSA. Mama always kept the bedroom door shut but my brother could barge in anytime. Dad would get mad and Mama would get mad at Dad. My brother and Mama's boundaries were blurted the doctor said. She saw him as an adult sharing way too much. Dad got blamed suffered but Mama and her families not understanding boundaries nearly killed us. It ruined our lives in many ways. I was rescued by my wife and my wife would say let us take it outside if we argued, our sex life was never discussed in front of the children, even though I thought it would be normal because Mama did it. My sister was rescued by her second husband and my Dad. My brother and I were too under Mama's control and never got to be with Dad.

We can change. My sister did, I am and my brother is working on the damage Mama left him with.

Paul

 

[30something]

"A controlling parent is only looking for love themselves."

"We can change."

Thank you for injecting hope during these crazy times (internally and globally).

Asa