Is 16 Too Old to be Abused?

Is 16 Too Old to be Abused?
P

pontifixmax

Registrant
I feel silly for it but I keep asking myself this question, as if I'm trying to justify something. My story is I was homeless at 16 and was used sexually by strangers and by those I thought I could trust while sleeping on the street, in parks, in vehicles, in all night movie theatres etc, all involving men twice my age or older, often while I was drunk (thanks to them). It was all pretty sordid. Thank god I eventually escaped it but in retrospect I often wonder wasn't I old enough to stop what happened to me? After all I wasn't a little kid. It sounds horrible to say but in a way I wish I was younger when it happened so it would be more cut and dry for me to make sense out of. Given people's experience here I'm sure such a comment may make some angry. If so I apologize. All I ask is for some constructive
feedback if U have any. Thanx
 
Things like this happening when you are young sure has its difficulties.
Having it happen at all is pretty steep.

Boys mature at different ages, but you had the added disadvantage of being homeless, and maybe relying on others for support.

I guess that your vulnerability was used by thes people you got in with.
Any type of enforced or coerced sex is wrong, no matter what age you are.

Dont deny the severity of what happened based on age. Age is only a guideline for consent, nothing else,

ste
 
Pontifixmax,

I'm glad you raised your issue about age; that took a lot of guts given your fears about how the others here would react.

I think a crucial thing for you to remember is that "abuse" is abuse because one party is using their power and influence over another to seek their own sensual gratification, regardless of what is good for or wanted by the other person. A homeless frightened kid of 16 is easy prey for predators, and yes, this is abuse and entirely the fault of the abuser(s).

It's tempting to think of ourselves as pretty much mature at 16, and indeed, when we were that age that's the way we would have liked things to be. But a 16 yo is still a kid in many ways, and certainly he is not equipped emotionally to face the kind of decisions and situations that a kid on the run and on the street has to face. This is why running is ALWAYS a bad move for a kid.

You ask weren't you old enough to make it stop. That's a natural question to ask, and no, it isn't silly at all. But look back to yourself when this stuff was happening. How did you feel about yourself? You probably felt pretty worthless and ashamed, and when a kid is in that terrible place the answers to basic questions of escape just don't come very easily.

When you ask yourself these questions, remember also that you are seeing alternatives and options now, as an adult, and asking why you did not see these same possibilities years ago, when you were young, frightened and confused. But the situations, then and now, are not at all comparable.

The miracle is that you got out at all bro! The street is a vicious master and a lot of kids just don't make it.

Try to give yourself a break about this. You were a kid. You were innocent. You were abused. It's not your fault. Your recovery has to start from these absolute truths.

Much love,
Larry
 
Our age is kind of relevant and kind of not as far as our stories of abuse are concerned. To me, 16 is physically mature - but usually (again, to me) not very emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically mature.
Pontifixmax, your story does clearly involve sexual abuse, regardless of the fact that you seem unsure of the fact whether you were "too old".
A: Your ability to consent was impaired due to age (you were NOT an adult) and alcohol.
B: Trauma (i.e., abuse) leaves wounds/scars that impact us for the rest of our lives, often very negatively.
Healing comes through adult revisiting of these awful events with patience (LOTS of patience), understanding, and probably a good T. I'd also recommend frequent doses of loving support from your fellow survivors here.
Love, etc.,
 
max i lived out there where your talking about and homeless means vulnerability,i did things that would make you sick just to get something to eat ,we do what we have to to survive adam
 
max i lived out there where your talking about and homeless means vulnerability,i did things that would make you sick just to get something to eat ,we do what we have to to survive adam
 
sorry double post
 
Pontifixmax

I too was 16 when being abused whist homeless, the reason I was homeless was because my behaviour started to breakdown after the intitial abuse started at 14, so my wonderful caring father threw me out the family home (I am being sarcastic here btw). I too aksed myself that question time after time was I old enough to stop it....the simple answer to that is NO, I was trapped in a situation where I started to basically prostitute myself to get food, booze, a bath somewhere warm to stay during the colder months, there were plenty of perps out there to offer their help at a price, that price was to abuse me.

Yep I was drunk too as at that time I was well down the road to a thirty plus year alcohol addiction and drug problem, wonderful suppresent is booze trouble was my addictions kept me quiet for donkeys years as I thought who would believe a homeless drunk/addict/ex rent boy. It was not till I got sober and clean that the abuse I had endured fell on me with all its might .... it was then that I disclosed.

Was it abuse?

Dam right it was .... 16 years old homeless and hungry ... yep they took advantage of the situation if thats not abusing someone I dont know what is.

Take it easy

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Kirk,

Dam right it was .... 16 years old homeless and hungry ... yep they took advantage of the situation if thats not abusing someone I dont know what is.
Click to expand...
Your brief comment slams it home bro. Thanks for this. It's a tragedy that this sort of thing should happen at all, and even worse when we pause to consider that it is still going on today.

Much love,
Larry
 
Yes it was abuse.

It also raises legal issues. I think some states (somebody correct if I'm wrong) that legally define abuse as happening younger than 16. While legally this may be true ... emotionally and becuase of power dynamics this is an archaic cut off point. But it raises the case what does the legal system call it after the age of consent(as defined by the state). I would be rape ... still the idealogy of violation of power ... still not consenting ... still an abuse of power... still the harm and damage. Additionally, legally and general society still refers to adult women in abusive relationships. This would add that adult men can be in abusive relationships, thus abused as an adult.

I suppose conceptually between abuse and rape you need to ask yourself ... emotionally were you a full on healthy minded adult who was able to take care of yourself. Since you were homeless at 16 ... I'd say no ... you were abused.

Just my thoughts ... additional thoughts welcomed!

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
16 is not to old to be abused. There are many adults who are abused, probably because they have it in childhood and are 'conditioned' to it, but still, they are abused as adults.

I have friend who was homeless at similar age as you, and did what necessary to survive that situation. He feels because he 'choose' what happen, it is on him, and not abuse. No. Any adult who would do such things to a child, no matter who start it, no matter what other background, it is abuse. Plain abuse.
 
Pontifixmax,

I have been hesitant to reply to this post, because I was violently raped at exactly 16 yrs old. I realized rather quickly that it was abuse. It was an abuse of my trust, as well as an abuse of my body. It most certainly was, and still is to some degree, an abuse of my mind.

A very recent event, while I am having difficulty calling it abuse, is for sure a betrayal, and I will be 50 at the end of this summer. Betrayal is a form of abuse, too, I guess.

Pontifixmax, abuse can happen at any age, and most certainly at 16. At 16, you are still thinking half the time as a child, even though your body is hedging toward adulthood. It is easy for an adult to abuse a 16 yr old. Give an adult a gun, and it becomes easy for them to abuse an adult.
 
Max,

how about 19, by a trusted church counselor? Abuse, in the name of therapy.

Abuse knows no age, as Rich said. You don't have to be a young boy for what happened to qualify as abuse. It's a boundary violation at any age.

Andy
 
I've been working with homeless youth and adults for over 16 years now, in shelters + on the street, yet what's ironic is that despite how my experience as a kid has defined me I've never allowed what happened to me to show professionally. However I do wonder if I have a harder time shaking off what I see everyday as easily as some of my co-workers appear to. I don't know. Come to think of it I also seem pretty together when I'm at work too. Its just when I get home and can't stop thinking about things I see, even in my dreams. Maybe those I work with have as hard a time reconciling what they witness everyday when they get home too. After all it is a pretty crazy place. I almost had 2 people die on me in a week.
 
Max

Of course you have a harder time shaking stuff off, you have on thing in your favour to your co workers, you have empathy and that in your case is a priceless gift.

Thanks for working with the homeless, We (in the past tense)they need people like you .... ones that understand exactly where they are coming from.

Take it easy

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Max,

I think someone who knows from his own past what a homeless kid is going through will of course find it more difficult to stay disengaged from the boys he works with. I'm not even sure such a disengagement is a good idea. What's wrong with a professional person who can look into a kid's eyes and FEEL the despair and hurt and personally know what it means?

Much love,
Larry
 
My last encounter with my abuser took place at the age of seventeen. It was one of the worst since I was no longer the helpless little child and I knew I could run and could go tell someone but I still didn't do it--I was in shock and was completely paralyzed. The one good thing that came from it, if it can even be called that, is that it helped me remember more of my previous encounters. I had actually forgotten most of my previous abuse since it began when I was about four years old. I think my abuser was possibly training me from a very young age so he could still use me when I got older--what an awful thought... :( :( :( ...can't write no more... it's too painful

Jesse
 
Thank you for this old post, Kirk. I needed to hear the perspective of someone who suffered the same abuse as my husband did when he, too, was just 16 yo, homeless and manipulated into prostitution. Like you, he went on to alcoholism.

After I discovered his 2 year run of infidelity with a family member and prostitutes he quit drinking. He's been sober for a year now, and we are just NOW beginning to learn and understand the connection between his abuse and his infidelity. It's been brutal, but perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel for us afterall!

Again, thank you, and God bless you!

herowannabe
 
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