Irked at a stalemate

[Wifey1]

Hi All,
I know its been a long time since I have joined into any discussion -- but I have and do try to read and support as best as possible in my own way.
I'm irked -- not so angry, or pissed off just irked....
A couple things - hubby is not active in his Therapy of any sort now for several months. As a refresher he's a piler... piles on so much shit to do he leaves no time to work on his own self , tho he much deserves it.
Oh he's been freaking spider man, batman, and the damn Green Goblin himself a lot lately -- and I have been just keepin my big fat mouth shut until this past week.
I am at a total freaking standstill here -- not to mention I am having a hard enuff time with my own T sessions about my own crap and including how hubbys crap is effecting my crap (lots of crap eh?)
Hubby had said in the past he would not return to his support grp for sex addicts due to an admitted pedophile in the grp who refused to take responsibility for his actions -- We talked, he talked with his sponsor, He talked with his T, & basic conclusion he did not need to return if he could not feel safe -- I wholely (sp) supported this. If I remember correctly he did go see his private T a couple times following then he piled on FT work, FT school, FT blah blah blah shit... so he could avoid doing a damn thing about anything. Somewhere in there after christmas he visited his so called mother, gave him some time it was tuff for him, I supported as best as I could -- no i stopped a long time ago about suggesting to try such and such or the shoulds, woulds, demands etc...
Recently the youngest daugh moving back home from college & we took in 2 homeless kiddos, one female that is deaf short term to assist them to get into agency's for help to become self sustaining.
He was doing good with addiction maintenance -- but no group... his choice i understood. His sponsor stopped calling & cking in on him --- thot this was proper hubby has to be responsible not babysat by anyone.
Hanging out one night yakking with kiddos I catch hubby doing the damn pervert stare at our temp daugh butt.... I wanted to jump up at that time and slap the dog shit out of him.....
waited until alone & my voice calm approached what I had seen and what I percieved ... he instantly reverted to old self denial and accusations of its all in my head blah bhlah shit...
waited a few days brought subject up yet again -- as i was not going to fight him -- he was more agreeable and able to talk --
i simply said, look i know you have addiction i dont hold this against you, no blame, but I am going to hold you accountable in this house if you are not going to make efforts to work the 12 steps, and or see your T ... and I am here to support not criticise. If this girl is not safe in this house I will make a place elsewhere for her to be safe. I also said that all aside i didnt really give a flying fuck whether he was bothered by a pedo in his grp for sex addicts or not he was there for himself, if he had a problem with it face, talk it , or just ignore it but he better get his ass in T again or he was headed down the path of hell again for potential of perping. (btw, the cops around here now show up unannounced at a listed sex offender addy to see if they truly live there! YAY for our COPS!)
I wanted to puke my fucking guts out seeing him do that god damn fucking perv stare i dont know how i held it together to not attack the shit out of him at that time .. God I geuss?
AnywaY THru our later talks he agreed he is going to contact his T and sched. appts for his only time off -- mon. AM's --- I did not give him time limit to do it , or a either or .... malybe i did give an eith4er or? I did tell him that if he refused or failed to seek help in a reasonable time I was going to clean out the house of everything i wanted, sign the divorce papers and make sure i never saw him again ----
ok maybe i am more than irkded?
the young deaf girl is here only another week or so then into her own place -- and she s never alone with him ,,, mostly cuz he's too busy playiang fucking super star overload avoidance by being too busy....
basically i feel like our relationship has hit a stalemate, he has made some minor improvments by being activ in callnig my docs when i am not well (had a nother stroke)
i have no emotional drive of anything toward him, my T says it may never come back --- shit tht was depresing as hell to hear? its like i doitn give a shit if i hear from him or not or see him or not... 17 plus yrs with him and this is th e end result.... thats sad as shit i think

in the mean time i /we foun dout that a known family perp is due for release from prison in a week or so..... a lot of sibling confrontation going on with parents -- dad first, without mom, mom is soft and stilll or has forgiven this perp her bro, as she is survivor as well as perp from their dad (gpa)-- then mom confronted she felt very betrayed but all the kiddos have laid out ground rules perp is not allowed at house or no grand kids .... end of subject.. mom felt betrayed big discussion but no one could trust mom to turn perp away if he showed up while she had grand kids.... perp has tried all apologies t each victim... none accepted, his own son went on to perp also .... fucking generation after generation...
so ground rules were laid out, if perp ends up living in area, peace bonds are taken out to keep him away from us --- dad is supportive , but stunned claims he had no idea his own kiddos had been perped (btw this is another one of my foster families)....
its a damn jumbled mess, the girls are all in various stages of healing or acting in or out at any given time...
and then my hubby-- he can be so god damn calm coolcollected with advice, support etc --- and fails to apply any of it to himself
i'm ready to jump from the bridge no shit... to tell them all to shut the fuck kup i cant stand to hear any more about any more sexual abuse.... i try to keep it in its place so it does not spill over into my daily existence so that i can still function on some level
but someone has failed to flush the toilet lately and the shit is smelling
i know i cant tell hubby what to do, i cant influence much with perp being released
but i know i need to get the fuck away from thinking anything about this shit for awhile and every where i turn there it is

i geuss i just needed a place to vent? -- my adoped dad one fo my long term perps his dad just died... and i got the poop on why he hated his own father so much and probaby why he too went on to perp... no big surprise there huh?

generation after generation ... i can count 3 generations, if an i think i heard this some where one time -- if a perp is caught for one act of sex abuse that perp has or had gotten away with about 300 acts prior to being caught
i cant even do the math of the magnatude in just my family alone.......

and if i caught hubby doing the perv stare once, then has he done is 300and one times prior?

Sammy

i'm fed up to the ears of old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in

 

[crisispoint]

Sammy,

I'm glad you're back, although I wish it was under better circumstances.

I must confess that I'm most worried about this girl if your husband is taking an untoward interest in her. Sure, he may not act on his feelings, if there are any, but he MAY, and that concerns me a little bit.

You see, I don't trust MYSELF, even though I KNOW in my heart that I'd never do anything to hurt a child. I sometimes think if I'm having impure thoughts if I notice that I think a child or adolescent is physically "beautiful" or is going to be beautiful or handsome when they become adults. I've spoken with therapists about this, and they say as long as my feelings aren't sexual, it's okay. After all, people look at adults all the time, notice their attractiveness, and it may have NOTHING to do with sexual feelings.

The point is that I don't trust myself because of the bullshit ideas that have been floated about ALL abused people become abusers themselves. I'm constantly "running the checklist" and I no longer feel comfortable around children, even my own frigging niece and nephew, because I'm worried about snapping myself. The therapists have said because I have empathy, I'm getting treatment, and I'm CONCERNED about this to the point of obsession, this isn't an issue, but I'm afraid.

Your husband, and forgive me if I missed this somewhere in your post, doesn't seem to share that kind of empathy if it's true. He seems to either be burying his feelings (which, while denial behavior, shows he doesn't want to act on it) or denying them outright (bad). I'd be most worried if there are sexual feelings there and he's in denial of them becoming a problem.

I think, first thing, is that he needs to confront the issue about the perp in the group. Maybe there is another group he can be assigned to. Maybe the facilitator needs to move the perp into a more appropriate group or confront him about his lack of remorse. Regardless, your husband should get back into therapy ASAP because, if nothing helps, he needs to work on his own abuse issues.

Then he needs to focus on his feelings for this girl because there is a clear and present danger if there are sexual impulses and he may possibly act on them. If he refuses to talk about it, remind him that the girl's safety is paramount and you WILL bring it up to the authorities. Denial and refusal under any circumstances are bad signs. It's like an alcoholic saying that they can control their ability to drink when they still have "the hunger" and there is booze about.

I wish I had better advice. I also will be thinking about you and praying for everyone, Sammy. PM if you need to vent.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[SAR]

Sammy

See what happens when we keep our mouths shut ....

But really. No wonder you're irked and feeling stalemated. Some days it just feels like you can't do anything right, if you speak up you're pushing and interfering and inhibiting real change, and if you shut up then NOTHING HAPPENS, or the same old stuff happens even though everyone but your husband saw it coming a mile down the road. You know why it feels that way, because it's F****ing true. Some days you can't do anything.

It is very sad if you've lost your feelings for him for good, but it's also understandable. You feel how you feel and there's not much you can do about THAT either, after a while you just want to trust your reflexes and stop sticking your heart in the fire.

I am sorry your family (-ies?) suck so much. You seem like such a good and caring lady, the light in all that darkness. Although I think you would be a light in a room of light too.

SAR

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by crisispoint:
I must confess that I'm most worried about this girl if your husband is taking an untoward interest in her. Sure, he may not act on his feelings, if there are any, but he MAY, and that concerns me a little bit.

***stuff snipped****

Then he needs to focus on his feelings for this girl because there is a clear and present danger if there are sexual impulses and he may possibly act on them. If he refuses to talk about it, remind him that the girl's safety is paramount and you WILL bring it up to the authorities. Denial and refusal under any circumstances are bad signs. It's like an alcoholic saying that they can control their ability to drink when they still have "the hunger" and there is booze about.

I have to admit I'm concerned too.. I would watch your hubby like a hawk until the girl is gone. Its too late to do something after the fact and before its all supposition and guesswork.. but better to be safe than sorry.

He does need to get back into T if you plan on having another temporary care child in your house.. no ifs ands or buts about that. These kids need a safe place and you dont need any more stress in your life than you already have worrying about them as well as worrying about yourself and your H.

Take care.. hopefully the vent will have helped you feel a bit better.. also hopefully your H will find another group to go in or he will find a way to feel safe with his current group...I would think that most if not all the other guys in the group would not feel safe either.. I cant see how that would be a good idea for a sex abuser to self identify in that type of an environment.

P

 

[Lloydy]

Sammy
given hubby's past 'encounter' I would lay down some boundaries, but I guess he knows you well enough to know that you will do just this if provoked - "I wanted to jump up at that time and slap the dog shit out of him....."
If I remember right, both he and the girl were very drunk when he offended, and he's been caught, punished and done 'some' self help since.
My thought is he's very unlikely to repeat that experience and lose, almost certainly, everything. I bet he knows just how lucky he is, he might not say or show it, but I bet he knows.

Could he possibly not look at a pretty girls butt?
I somehow doubt it. I know that I can't!
But would he act on that look? that's the important question you have to ask.
If he knows that you're on his case, and the full power of the law in his position, is he ever likely to act on his urges again?

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been well Sammy, and that the rest of your extended family are still creating shit for everyone they come into contact with. You don't need it Sammy, and you should think long and hard about your involvement with the rest of them - especially any that aren't helping themselves as much as the could / should.

Dave

 

[Dan88]

One of the hardest truths for some people to accept about recovery is that no one can take someone else's inventory.

We work the steps only as long as we want to. We are all free at any time to turn our back and decide that our drug of choice is doing more for us than it is doing to us. And the very fact that we made that choice makes it true. Others may disagree, but it's irrelevent to recovery.

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by Dan88:
One of the hardest truths for some people to accept about recovery is that no one can take someone else's inventory.

We work the steps only as long as we want to. We are all free at any time to turn our back and decide that our drug of choice is doing more for us than it is doing to us. And the very fact that we made that choice makes it true. Others may disagree, but it's irrelevent to recovery.

Aint that the truth too. Its so hard to watch someone else choose a destructive path, and we can wish all we want for those we love to take another path, but there is such a fundamental truth in the above post.. that sometimes all we can do is "let go" (protect ourselves in the meantime) and hope people in pain/recovery do the right thing.

I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive, suicidal father - numerous times I had to "cut myself loose" emotionally and mentally from him in order to "save myself".. after I got through the grief of letting go I found a newfound peace in my own existence after I realized how much time and energy I was spending trying to "do his inventory".. its a losing battle, and it sucks all the energy you have for your OWN life to try and keep someone on the "straight and narrow" who has a propensity for self destruction. You can't save someone from themself if they are intent on destroying themself.