Invisible

Invisible
B

blaidd

Registrant
Right now at this point in my life I feel invisible as a gay man who has many issues.
This is me having a whinge, cause I feel like crap.

I curse the day that two female friends were talking about sexual abuse in their childhood. My life was already fucked, due to anxiety and depression, but it got a hell of a lot worse.

I was about 25 at the time when these friends were telling me about their experiences of childhood abuse. It sparked a vague recollection of something in my own childhood. Something I couldn't quite grasp. Months later I started having flashbacks of sexual abuse, triggered by an anxiety attack.

My father tried to kill me at 27, possibly because he thought I was going to tell, but I don't know for sure. I was taken advantage of by a guy when I was 30, who had sex with me without protection, cause I was drunk. I stopped going out on the gay scene after that.

I'm 33 now and despite periods of therapy I feel no closer to a resolution. My memory is still vague. But as soon as I get into an intimate emotional relationship, wham bam, up come those weird feelings and images again.

I feel crazy, cause I can't integrate the flashbacks with my conscious day to day memory. It doesn't seem real, but these flashbacks and memories keep coming up in my life.

I mucked up a recent relationship, because whenever we had sex I felt like I was being raped, and each time thought I was going back in time to something bad in my childhood that I couldn't remember. I kept spacing out, not staying present during what should have been the sharing of intimacy between me and my boyfriend. He left very quickly cause I was just so freaked out and majorly depressed.

I just feel really stuck. I don't work because of the depression and anxiety.

Therapists offer me no solution to this crap.
The memories are so repressed, if they are real, that I've never been able to resolve it through therapy.

As a gay man with depression, anxiety, abuse issues, and who is totally unemployable, I feel invisble. The gay community which I've been a part of doesn't want to know about mental health issues.

It's hard enough getting support as a male survivor, let alone cause you are gay. I'm having counselling now through a sexual assault clinic, and its good to talk, but it doesn't get me anywhere.

I just feel invisible and stuck.

enough of my whinging, just need to externalise it, not that it makes any difference I guess.

blaidd
(Welsh word for wolf)
 
Hi blaidd, sorry to hear that you are struggling soooo much. Believe me I can totally understand what you are going thru. It is not easy being gay period, let alone have sexual abuse issues!!! Its not fair I know.

Firstly, I hope you know that you are not alone. What you are going thru is normal for a survivor. Your issues with intamacy with men, hopefully in time will disappear. As you work on the abuse it should. I believe there is someone out there for everyone, there is someone out here who will support you and not leave ya just cause your depressed!!!! Alot of guys get scared and cant handle what we are going thru, but thats not our issue its theirs!!!

Do you find yourself rushing into relationships or do you go slowly??? Maybe you just need to take things real slowly, as you gain trust maybe you wont be soooo scared???? All i use to think about was a relationship with another guy, and all the time i was missing out on life. I was forgetting everything else, mainly friendship. I finally realized that I searching despertly for love, is not the way to go. Love will find you.

Resolution, hummmm ....... Unfortunetly I think this must come from you, Counseling, support groups are all wonderful, but in the end we all must face facts and deal with the pain. Whether that is confront our abusers or telling others what happened, as long as you just let the pain goooooo..... Now with your situation, I dont know if id recommend confronting your father??? Do you have a personal protection order on him??? I am assuming you were abused by your father??? Have you read any books on incest??? If not there are soom good books out there that might help you.

Well i hope this helps a bit, I am here if you need to talk. ALl my info is in my profile. Keep in touch and hang in there.

Derek :cool:

P.S. What about volunteering somewhere? You talked about not being able to work, what about this? At least this way, you would be helping others while getting out of the house. Or what about trying a part-time job doing something you enjoy???? When we are depressed we turn into hermit crabs, and shut out the world to protect ourselves. You must push yourself to get out, I still struggle. I try to get outside at least an hour or two a day. :rolleyes: [email protected]
 
hi derek,

Thanks for the response :)

It's odd, but I'm quite aware of the healing process, can see how it works for others, but applying it to myself is a different matter. I've had a lot of therapy, been around other survivors, but guess I'm still in denial even though its been years since I first started having flashbacks. I had a two year stint at intensive therapy involving body memory work and role playing. It brought up a lot of feelings, but I never got to resolving anything. The stuff is buried really deep, but comes up as soon as an emotionally intimate partner comes into my life.

I liked what you had to say about relationships, thought what you said was very true. I'm one of those people that takes things really slowly. I've only had three relationships and in fact I'd never let anyone touch me until I was 27, because I was so scared of men. The recent relationship that failed was developed slowly over a two year period. Made no difference when it came down to intimacy.

I hear what you say in regard to facing the facts and dealing with the pain. There's no miracle solution, and you're right it does have to come from within. The thing I struggle with is the fact that my memories are so obscure, I can't get a grip on them. I realise that remembering everything is not a requirement for healing. However, I find that because I just have fleeting flashbacks that aren't part of my day to day memory, I still get triggered all over the place. Feeling like you are being raped, without connecting as to why that feeling is there, is a tad disconcerting, if not devastating. I've hoped that there might be a therapist out there who can lead me in the right direction, because the whole thing is so profound, I feel I can't do it on my own. I've read the literature. I've read the books, the stories of other survivors, but I still feel stuck. Bit of a bummer !

Lets face it, I struggle with denial. Have done for a long time. But then my dad taught me to do that well. Yes he was my abuser, as was his brother, if I believe the flashbacks... argh. When my dad assaulted me in my mid to late 20's he made out to everyone that I'd assaulted him. Felt like my brain was being played with, but then that's how its been all my life, with my dad twisting my reality. I did have an order against him after that, and I have not had direct face to face contact with him since that time. He's a violent man, so confrontation was something I ruled out long ago. This is the irony, I think my dad is an arsehole, there's no love towards him, so you'd think I'd be able to accept that he'd sexually abused me. But it still ain't that easy.

In reference to the work issue. I had a job for three months that started in June of last year. I ended up quitting because I was having high anxiety as a reault of feeling triggered by being around straight men, as they were constantly making sexual jokes. I'd pushed aside the abuse issues for three years until that point. I fell into a heap big time. After a month or so I realised that the abuse issue was still bubbling away in the background and it was time to do something about it. That's when I decided to seek some counselling, but had to wait until the beginning of january because they were booked out. Right now, I can't face going out and doing things, yeah that's a cop out, but its just how I feel. I'm tired of pushing myself to work or having a relationship and all this stiff coming up.

I'm frustrated I guess, can't help it.

Have an appointment with a shrink today. Been seeing him as well as the counsellor. He persuaded me to take anti-despressants, so I've been on them for two months. No difference as of yet. But today he wants to talk about the sexual abuse stuff, can't say I'm looking forward to that, but I'm going to try and talk about it as best I can. This stuff is bloody hard to deal with.

Thanks for the encouragement, I am trying. :)))

Luv your webpage and journal !!!

huggles

Blaidd
 
:eek:
Hi blaidd,

Hope your day is going well?? It is nice and sunny out today :) We should both try to get outside today :)

You know im not sure why some people have flashbacks??? Some do, but some dont. I havent had too many. Maybe its just too unseavable to even believe it happened, maybe thats where the denial comes in???? Even though you dont have a good relationship wiht your father and think hes an a$$hole, everyone still longs for the father he or she never had!!! How has your family delt with it? or do they not know??

I know that you take things really slow when it comes to a boyfriend, but what about friendship??? Do you have very many friends?? I believe friendship is the key to life. Maybe rather than looking for a boyfriend, why not look for a friend????

One thing that we all do is compare our current situations to our past. Alot of times people we know or situations remind us of a similiar situation that happened in the past. When this happens it brings the past raging foward. When i was in the hospital last summer for depression, There was this patient that was very opionated and confrontational. He was a new patient, and when he talked in group therapy, he acted like he didnt need therapy and that we were pitiful because we just didnt go on with our lives. He reminded me of my abuser and a few other people, and i totally freaked out. I had a major breakdown, well so did many others. What i was doing, was allowing my past to shape my present. Yes i will agree that this guy was cocky and etc, but he shouldnt of been able to get me to break down. I was allowing my abuser to still have control over me. Does that sound like what you do? What we need to do is realize when this is happening, and say to ourselves that this person is not out to hurt us and he is not our abuser!!!!

About the job, what about getting a job where you are not surronded by macho men, that only talk about sex??? Like an office job or something like that? Or like i mentioned earlier volunteer???

Good luck with your therapy session, i hope it goes ok. You will be ok :) Just be strong and be honest with your therapist. Anti-depressents take about a couple of months. I have taken them in the past, i had mixed results. I probably should be on them still, but want to try without them. But there is nothing wrong with taking them!!! They help alot of people. Hopefully it will allow you to talk about the abuse more easily.

What i have started to do is make goals for my self, small ones for right now. I use to stay in my room for days and weeks. All i did was sleep. My room and house is somewhat of a prision for me. At first its safety , but really its not!!!! I have had to push myself to do things i dont feel like doing. You will get there , just believe :)

Well im going to run, keep in touch. email me if youd like.
[email protected]


Derek
 
Bllaidd& other respondants,hello as we all know,being gay is not easy,just read some of these pages and what some people write.I'm not saying that they want to be gay, but the neek to understand that we are all part of this world.then being a survivor as well as being gay is very hard - I know,but be persistant and see a counselor that you can TALK to but most important as Derek says, be honest.also it does take time,which is one of my major problems, because i want it to happen in a week or 2 not in months.but we do have to learn to live with this system.I woke up this am feeling very shity, and my neurologist's office called to say my 3 months of free drug to prevent seizlures did come in and I went over to the Vanderbilt Hospital to pick them up,so when we think all is lost,you get some good news. Blaidd,hang in there and get out of doors each day, it does us good. e-mail me if you like hope to read some good entry on this page about you. bos [email protected]
 
I saw the shrink this morning. We discussed the sexual abuse stuff.
He said its more than likely that my mind has fabricated the abuse in my early childhood, because I can't describe it in detail. That some mechanism to do with my father, because of his violence, has created a part of my mind that thinks he sexually abused me as a little kid.

Because the flashbacks are so vague, they might be representing something else. That my problems with intimacy are more to do with my sexuality than sexual abuse.

He said that there's a small possibility that it is real, but unlikely, because he said the memories are not part of my consciousness and are "woolly" as he described them. He said being tied up in a wardrobe, for example, is unlikely to have happened to a three year old and that three year not having screamed out about it.

I'm crazy. I knew it all along.

OMG I feel sick

My life is fucked !!!!

:eek:
 
That sounds like a horrible therapist! I didn't talk about my abuse at the time, and I repressed the memory of it for years. I have no doubt that what happened to me was real. When you are being abused by your parents, you begin to think of it as "normal" behavior. Don't discount what happened to you because your memories of the event aren't clear. It took me a long time before the memory of everything that happened came back. Hang in there!
 
Hey i agree with Scott, No one can tell you whether the abuse happened or not!!! Its bad enough taht we have to fight with our families and friends to get them to believe, but to have a therapist not believe it. THATS WRONG!!! Only you can figure that out, For one that therapist doesnt know you well enough to make that quick of a judgement!!!! Just because you cant describe the abuse, doesnt mean it didnt happen!!!! Maybe its too hard to handle and your mind can only deal with it in small glimpses???? Has this therapist dealt with sex abuse before??? Maybe you should try to find someone who deals in sexual abuse?????? This therapist doesnt sound real healthy!!!! Get another one quick!!!

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!!

Dont allow this therapist to make you think so.. Dont allow others to make you doubt yourself. If you believe it happened, then it did. I dont believe people can make up flash backs!!!!!

Hang in there, it will be ok. If you need anything please let me know!!!!

Derek
 
hang in there. I was sexually abused when I was 11 and repressed the memory of it for 35 years. I've had therapy twice and each time it gets better. chuck
 
As all of us say,you are not crazy.As Poonboy says it DOES take time to remember things.As some of you may know,I was hit by a NYC subway train 11 yrs ago and to this day I can't even remember being taken out of the pit. When I was taken to the hospital it has the SAME name as the one I was abused in back in MA, and I could hear them telling me it was ok,but my brain only kew of the hospital where the abuse took place and all "hell" started and they had to tie me down for over 60 days. I also agree that the shrink who told you those things, in my book need a shrink himself.the American public is now only beginning to accept the fact that male rape does happen in other places besides prisons. Remember YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. take one day at a time,some you want to forget and some are good ones. stay with the good ones. also, find yourself another therapist. bos
 
Blaidd,

I was just reading the thread, and I wanted to chime in too - stop seeing that therapist! :eek:

That is a really bad therapist. He shouldn't be telling you what did and didn't happen. He should be helping you figure out - you're the person in the room who knows, not him. :)

From what you describe, I think it makes perfect sense you don't remember what happened. You don't feel safe now, so your mind protects you by keeping memories deep.

When you're in a relationship, you feel safe. So your mind lowers the barriers some, and you start remembering more. :p

At least that's what happened to me. I kept even the existance of my molestation repressed for almost thirty years. There were no details, since nothing had happened. :) Since I now feel more comfortable and safe, I've begun to remember, and the details have started showing up.

All the things Derek said make sense, and are a lot like what I want to say, so I won't repeat them. :)

About being intimate with a boyfriend, are your feelings of being raped coming from being with a man, or from specific acts? If the latter, are there things which your father & uncle didn't do to you that you think you'd enjoy?

Hugs,

Bill
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone, I appreciate it a great deal. I'm still confused about things, but have the intention of dumping the shrink when I am able to.

The validation I've received has really helped me and I'm grateful for each and every one of you who posted back to me.

I'm trying not to dwell on what the shrink said. At this point I have to move, hopefully to another town, so I'm concentrating on looking for somewhere to live that's affordable, given that I'm on a low income, disbility pension.

thanks for posting

take gentle care

blaidd
 
I agree stop seeing that therapist.

If you are feeling that it might have happened, then it might. How does a child fabricate these things. Take care of youself, there are many therapists and only one you!!!!
 
Blaidd,

I just wanted to add my two cents here, my view on therapy or seeing a shrink is that the doc is supposed to help *you* figure out the reality of your past, he/she is not supposed to *tell* you how it was, that sounds like utter nonsense to me. I know that my ability to bury things and deny things was well developed at an early age, i think that is pretty typical if you grow up in a violent or abusive atmosphere.

If your leaving the sessions with more questions than you came in with, not feeling any sense of validation and more importantly not feeling any sense of being cared about by the guy, then it seems to me it is not a good match and finding someone else would be a good idea. Based on what you have been describing in your posts i think i would be looking for someone new as quickly as i was able, does not look like a good match to me at all.

I hope things are getting a little lighter for you.

John
 
I am delighted you are getting so much support from this room. that must make you feel good and less alone. we have all suffered because of abuse and recover from it in small steps. you are taking some of those steps by sharing in this room good for you!!! I hope you are able to find something positive each day in your life to focus on. I'd suggest you keep making attempts at therapy until you find someone you can relate to. not all therapists are alike. best, pondboy (chuck)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top