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ForeverFighting
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Oh no, that’s not true. I was just out of town for the day. Take care, my brother. You’re not alone.
Zookeeper - Welcome to the world of healing! I, too, find myself in the grief process at times. It will come just out of nowhere. I'm not triggered, I've not experienced anything sorrowful or watched a particularly moving or sad movie. It just comes. I try to embrace it when that comes - I've learned to over the years - since its there for a reason. Walk thought it, my friend, and know you are not alone.
Welcome to the club, Zookeeper. You're not alone. You're right here with the rest of us. I've been there, too. WHen the grief feels so strong it could knock you right into the next room.
I'll share a story in case it's helpful.
One day I had it so bad (anxiety more than grief, but somehow they all seem to blend together) that I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my living room crying like crazy. I felt like I was getting and smaller and the wall of the pain just kept getting bigger the smaller I got. Until it felt like there wasn't any room left or space for me to live in.
I couldn't move. I was lucky I ddn't have anything I had to do, cause I literally couldn't even get up.
Then once I finally hit the bottom and couldn't get any smaller, the most amazing thing happened.
I realized that even though this was the worst it could possibly be, I was still alive and still there and that even if it could get worse, it couldn't actually kill me.
I realized at that point that I was actually totally safe. Even though the anxiety was unbelievably terrible, I was actually totally safe. It couldn't hurt me any worse than it already had.
Then I sort of relaxed. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got mad at the anxiety, and I said "Bring it on motherfucker! I can take anything you can throw at me!" I even tried to make it worse to see how much I could take.
Then i saw that the anxiety was like waves in the way it worked. AndI visualized surfing the waves. Suddenly the whole thing shifted, and it literally felt like I was surfing on my own emotional energy. It ended up being one of the most amazing and freeing nights of my whole life.
The fear and the grief, the anxiety and the pain: they can't hurt us unless we give into them and somehow start believing they're real or only thing that matters.
Our lives are what matter. Ride the grief if you can. and see if you can turn it. I can't always get it to work, but when it does, it's magic, and it really shows you how much of our pain is just a wierd kind of smoke and mirrors our crazy psyches throw our way.
Hope that was helpful. Sure didn't mean to highjack your thread!
Danny
I'll share a story in case it's helpful.
One day I had it so bad (anxiety more than grief, but somehow they all seem to blend together) that I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my living room crying like crazy. I felt like I was getting and smaller and the wall of the pain just kept getting bigger the smaller I got. Until it felt like there wasn't any room left or space for me to live in.
I couldn't move. I was lucky I ddn't have anything I had to do, cause I literally couldn't even get up.
Then once I finally hit the bottom and couldn't get any smaller, the most amazing thing happened.
I realized that even though this was the worst it could possibly be, I was still alive and still there and that even if it could get worse, it couldn't actually kill me.
I realized at that point that I was actually totally safe. Even though the anxiety was unbelievably terrible, I was actually totally safe. It couldn't hurt me any worse than it already had.
Then I sort of relaxed. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got mad at the anxiety, and I said "Bring it on motherfucker! I can take anything you can throw at me!" I even tried to make it worse to see how much I could take.
Then i saw that the anxiety was like waves in the way it worked. AndI visualized surfing the waves. Suddenly the whole thing shifted, and it literally felt like I was surfing on my own emotional energy. It ended up being one of the most amazing and freeing nights of my whole life.
The fear and the grief, the anxiety and the pain: they can't hurt us unless we give into them and somehow start believing they're real or only thing that matters.
Our lives are what matter. Ride the grief if you can. and see if you can turn it. I can't always get it to work, but when it does, it's magic, and it really shows you how much of our pain is just a wierd kind of smoke and mirrors our crazy psyches throw our way.
Hope that was helpful. Sure didn't mean to highjack your thread!
Danny
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It ain't over till it's over. When is it over? It's different for each one of us. I find the horrific dreams are fewer now. Each time one occurred, I wrote down a few details, put the note in my wallet, and discussed them with my therapist the next time we met. When the grief or anguish came over me (loved the surfer image !)I did the same thing. When we turn to look at what's chasing us down the halls of our minds, we see it is not as frightening as we once thought it was. Yes, the pain they caused is just too real at times, however, we are in here because we're what? SURVIVORS. Not victims. So much was stolen from us - robbed at gunpoint if you will - yet not everything was lost.
As some of my clients say - "I'm a grown-assed man" so true. I'm a grown man and even at age 62, I'm learning to act more and more like a man, not the scared little boy who wants everyone and everything to be OK and it all depends on him and his Pollyanna outlook. No. no, a thousand times no. It does not depend all on me - no more. Everyone's happiness does not hinge on me. To a point, in my sphere of influence, yes, it does have some dependence on me. But even those people make daily decisions to be where they are in their daily lives and those decisions have little to do with me.
I'm growing up. Come along on the walk with me, I'd love some good company on the road.
As some of my clients say - "I'm a grown-assed man" so true. I'm a grown man and even at age 62, I'm learning to act more and more like a man, not the scared little boy who wants everyone and everything to be OK and it all depends on him and his Pollyanna outlook. No. no, a thousand times no. It does not depend all on me - no more. Everyone's happiness does not hinge on me. To a point, in my sphere of influence, yes, it does have some dependence on me. But even those people make daily decisions to be where they are in their daily lives and those decisions have little to do with me.
I'm growing up. Come along on the walk with me, I'd love some good company on the road.
I understand WG. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I just seems like Ive been expected to be a grown up forever. Like Ive had to fight everyday. Fight to keep the bullying at school from making me cry. Fight to keep my parents from literally killing us or each other. Fight to figure how to get something to wear, to eat. And fight to keep him from abusing me. Running and hiding, hoping he wouldnt find me. Then fighting to hide the damage and bleeding and shame. My head says grow up, other people have been in the same boat or had it even worse. But my heart says something different. I know I need to listen to my head.
Don't compare how much worse others have had it than you Zookeeper. We all have our challenges and have faced horrible situations, including you - you don't need to be strong here if you're not up to it.
Hopefully you are physically at least, in a safe place now, and can start to work on not only building on where you are at now in your recovery, but also reconnecting with that little boy and letting him finish his childhood.
Strength and peace to you.
Hopefully you are physically at least, in a safe place now, and can start to work on not only building on where you are at now in your recovery, but also reconnecting with that little boy and letting him finish his childhood.
Strength and peace to you.
I should add - re comparing yourself to others:
If Person A has to deal with a spider the size of their fingernail and Person B has to deal with one the size of their hand and I ask you who has been through the more traumatic situation, you won't be able to answer correctly without knowing that person A is afraid of spiders and person B is a professional pest controller.
And you still might not have all the information if you don't also know that person A's spider is harmless and person B's spider is one of the most dangerous spiders on the planet AND both people know how dangerous the spider they are dealing with.
And you don't know what equipment each person had to hand....
Or which one of them had food poisoning and could barely move...
Or... you probably get the idea by now
We are each on our own journey, heck I just confessed to being afraid of peanut butter on toast in other thread.... And you know what? Writing it just then, I laughed! And you know what - if my daughter asks for peanut butter on toast tomorrow morning for breakfast, I might just laugh again!
You're a good person, a strong person, but you're not alone.
If Person A has to deal with a spider the size of their fingernail and Person B has to deal with one the size of their hand and I ask you who has been through the more traumatic situation, you won't be able to answer correctly without knowing that person A is afraid of spiders and person B is a professional pest controller.
And you still might not have all the information if you don't also know that person A's spider is harmless and person B's spider is one of the most dangerous spiders on the planet AND both people know how dangerous the spider they are dealing with.
And you don't know what equipment each person had to hand....
Or which one of them had food poisoning and could barely move...
Or... you probably get the idea by now
We are each on our own journey, heck I just confessed to being afraid of peanut butter on toast in other thread.... And you know what? Writing it just then, I laughed! And you know what - if my daughter asks for peanut butter on toast tomorrow morning for breakfast, I might just laugh again!
You're a good person, a strong person, but you're not alone.
Makingprogress
Registrant
Comparison is the seed of much unhappiness.
SmartShadow
Registrant
(((zookeeper)))
I wanted to get back to you on a few things. The system is not letting me send a pm. It's ok I understand if you need to pull away for awhile. But if you get this message know that you are loved and cared for by many of us here. I hope we can talk soon.
Please pm me if you can.
Your friend,
Mike
I wanted to get back to you on a few things. The system is not letting me send a pm. It's ok I understand if you need to pull away for awhile. But if you get this message know that you are loved and cared for by many of us here. I hope we can talk soon.
Please pm me if you can.
Your friend,
Mike
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