Invisible Sun

[Dust]

Something that has occurred to me recently is this idea that there is something inside of us, perhaps at our core, that is something other than shame. I'm not exactly sure what to call it, but for now I'll call it a "feeling of calm acceptance of oneself".

All my life I've been in a state of denial (or one might call it a state of resistence) to acknowledging that something is very seriously wrong in my life. The other day I woke up, as I usually do, with a sense of hopelessness that things could ever get better for me. But this time, instead of trying to push it away, or down, out of my consciousness, I thought to myself well, yeah, the feeling of hopelessness is appropriate considering the actual problems I've always had in life and there seemingly insurmountable nature. So, I guess you can say I was accepting of that feeling of hopelessness. Now that was very different from how I used to relate to that feeling in the past. At the time, I just simply noticed that difference, and felt good about it, because I realized that I no longer needed to resist that hopeless feeling.

So last night, I'm lying in bed, ready to fall asleep, and thinking to myself just how much I have actually hated people throughout my life. Hated them because it seems that all others in life fit in whereever they go, and I've always had the experience and feeling of being hopelessly and helplessly barred from ever fitting in. It is as if I have been shunned from human company or groups whenever they form. I felt shunned by the "ease" with which people formed groups and just in general interacted with each other. It was completely out of my reach to be that way and, because of that, I resented people for what came natural to them, that is, their ability to belong to a group of people. I even hated the fact that groups automatically form whereever people congregate for an extended period of time. But last night I also realised that I have long since determined myself as unworthy of human acceptance and company, thereby shunning myself before I could ever be shunned by others. (It's much less painful that way and easier to remain in denial of the problem, since there was no actual evidence of rejection.) I connect this experience of shunning myself with CSA, which happened at around age 7, since it was around the time of this abuse when I first had the experience of feeling detached, distant, and unacceptable around my siblings, who were never sexually abused.

So, after last night's realizations, I expected that this morning would be a rough morning. That is, I expected to feel an even stronger sense of hopelessness about things ever getting better for me. But instead, what I noticed was just the opposite of what one might think. Instead of feeling crushed by the weight of knowing how much I've always hated people and rejected myself around them, I felt calm. I think this calm feeling was due to a diminished sense of having to push things out of my consciousness. I felt a sense of there being something beyond, or below, all the hatred and self-rejection. I guess you can say I noticed a sense of relief at no longer having to hide from myself. Having had this experience kind of reminds me of that saying, "It's always darkest before the dawn.", as last night seemed pretty dark and this morning felt somehow positive.

The reason why I titled this post "Invisible Sun" is because this experience, as just described, reminds me of the song by the 80's new wave band "The Police" called "Invisible Sun". Invisible sun, in the song, refers to something that is in each of us that gives us hope at the end of each day. There is something there, in each of us, that gives us hope and the strength to keep on going, despite the very real difficulties that characterize our lives, experiences, and existences. If you are reading this, it's in you, because you are still here despite the difficulties you've been through.

There are, however, lots of things that cover up this invisible sun, such that we don't notice it, or don't trust that it's there. Confronting our demons and facing the truth of ourselves aren't easy things to do. But know that there is something positive and productive underneathe all the anti-social emotions and tendencies that we may have due to abuse. In the very least, when we face and accept some very difficult things about ourselves we no longer have to invest all the energy that we used to invest into resisting and denying those things. A quote I saw online sums up this attitude nicely, " What's for me will be for me effortlessly."

 

[grc]

Thanks for posting this. I can relate a lot.

In the very least, when we face and accept some very difficult things about ourselves we no longer have to invest all the energy that we used to invest into resisting and denying those things.

I totally agree and was even thinking this while reading, then you mentioned it. My avoidance and judgment of others is proportional to the rejection and judgment of myself, and being able to get honest about who I am on a deep level, and accept what I find no matter how ugly I think it is, paradoxically allows me to feel more connected to others. It's all about rebuilding the positive connection with myself that got distorted.

It's the most important thing for me 1) to know myself and 2) to accept myself. When I've done this I don't have to be anti-social as a way to protect myself. I can completely relate to thinking everybody else can fit in except me. Completely. But the more I accept and love myself, the less difficulty I have in fitting in and my interactions with others are much smoother and warmer. It all starts with my relationship with myself.

It's true, there is a sun inside each of us, and stuff happens that cause us to be afraid of it and try to cover it up, and we lose sight of the fact that when we show our light to the world, it makes the world a better place.

Thanks for posting this here. I am glad you gave yourself the opportunity to be introspective and to post what you uncovered. This to me is making good lemonade from sour lemons, if you catch my meaning. Or transforming lead to gold, to use an alchemical analogy!

 

[Greg56]

This is a big step forward...congratulations!

Although I've processed the abuse and have come to accept who I am, I still have an issue with being "good enough". The last time I spoke with my therapist...I brought up the fact that I'm not sure being alone is the right thing to do. I do however feel content to do so. I spoke to her about me searching for local groups/clubs to join. But, I never could bring myself to join. She asked why. I couldn't at the time give her a real answer. The real answer is however that I don't feel that I could fit in...be good enough.

So keep up the good work...I admire you for it.

much love
Greg

 

[Dust]

My avoidance and judgment of others is proportional to the rejection and judgment of myself, and being able to get honest about who I am on a deep level, and accept what I find no matter how ugly I think it is, paradoxically allows me to feel more connected to others. It's all about rebuilding the positive connection with myself that got distorted.

Hi grc. Thanks for reading and sharing. I appreciate your perspective on this issue. Your experience, shared above, regarding the similarity between our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with others has made this issue clearer for me. It is an interesting paradox that, not only is it not "the end of the world" to accept in ourselves what we at one time disowned (i.e. our darker, anti-social feelings, impulses, and tendencies), but there seems to be at least two benefits of doing so (e.g. reduced anxiety and better connection to others).

 

[Dust]

Thanks Greg. I appreciate the encouragement. It sounds like you have a good idea of where I'm at, as I'm not a joiner by any means. We definitely share that tendency. The only group, besides a therapy group, that I have joined is MS. But the "feeling of not belonging" and actual behavioral avoidance of in-person groups still haunts me. I like the fact, though, that we can feel a sense of belonging in our sharing of our respective experiences of feeling like we don't belong. Thank you again, Greg!

 

[OCN]

Great post with a great insight!

You are so right when you say that there is something inside of us, below (or perhaps) above all the mud and dirt. This calm abiding, this natural presence always is with us.

And i also recognize it appearing at a time where everything seems too rough and too much to handle. But to accept everything instead of pushing it away, gives way to the energy to free itself.

If only we would learn kids to accept everything which happens to them, instead of telling them some things are good and some things we have to keep from everyone (and thus creating a blockage of energy, in which we have to invest a lot of energy to just keep it there)..

Apart from this side track, good work Casmir! You have now shown to yourself that there is more of you than you thought. This calm part inside is actually more true than the negative thoughts we have of ourselves. But since we've been with these thoughts for so long, it's hard for us to let go of the belief in these thoughts and look beyond them. Yet you've taken this brave step

This is what i've learned in meditation too. That there is a calm presence inside of us which goes beyond all the troubles and pains we experience in life because of our rejection of (parts of) life. Once we open up and accept everything, including all the dirt and negative, we can experience much more and let everything flow in our lives. This imo creates the space for the calmness to be there.

 

[WG]

Oh, wow, did that ever strike home. Right on target. Felt as though I were reading my own thoughts.
Always felt like I never fit, never was good enough, envied the seeming ease with which others would interact and appear so very relaxed in conversation. No sham (not shame - sham is a real word), no barriers - just good conversation. I am only just this year seeing that ease and calm in myself. I do believe its due to my T coaxing me to get to know Younger Me, Teenage Me. I didn't want to at first since they were part of the "frozen" piece of my past and if I didn't go there, I could deal with me in the now. Wrong. I still tap-danced, still kept so many others at arms' length. Including my loving wife and my children. No one could ever really know me - and I liked it that way. So I thought. I've come to see that being able to pick up the shattered pieces and with guidance and a stable presence (like my T) I can embrace Me - all of Me. And I'm OK. I've begun to accept more of me - and as was said, it feels so freeing. Like was said above - accept all the dirt and the negative since its a very real part of who we are - we become more even and settled. That, in turn, begins to be seen on the outside - my wife says she sees evidence of this. It has also helped me to be even more transparent with my T. To my (pleasant) surprise, he just listens and offers assistance to walk through it. I was so afraid that if those other parts of me were known, I would be rejected on the spot and told to never return. That was a lie I "heard" in my head.
I feel like I'm making some good headway in my recovery. What was talked about at the beginning of this thread showed some amazing insight. So glad it was posted!

 

[Dust]

Hi OCN. Thank you! And thank you also for sharing your experience and for your perspective on this issue. The similarity between what I experienced and what you experience when meditating is an interesting similarity. I hadn't realized it until you mentioned it, but, yes, it is very similar, if not the same thing. It's also interesting to me that it is in our childhood where the process of disowning aspects of our personalities starts, as you noted. Thanks for pointing out that the times when the going gets tough are also times when we can begin to notice a calmness inside of us. I like that thought. Your encouragement and insights are much appreciated.

 

[Dust]

Hi WG. Thank you! And thank you for sharing your experience, and for the encouragement. It's good that we can come together here to share these experiences. Where once we were alone with these experiences, now were not so alone. I get the sense that you understand only too well what I've shared above. To have felt so different, and not in a good way, for so long is a very isolating thing. Yet, it still takes tons of courage to come out of hiding, both from hiding from ourselves and hiding from others. I can relate to the feeling and experience of vulnerability that comes with sharing some very difficult things with a T. Not an easy thing to do. Thanks for your insights in your response. It sounds like you're making some good progress in therapy. That's encouraging for me to hear.

 

[chairdesklamp]

Casmir--First off, great title. I wore my copy of their debut album, Outlands d'Amour stretched and muffled. My teen angst song (start of abuse was then, I had reason) was "King of Pain" off Synchronicity.

That is a huge step, accepting yourself and KNOWING you have a right to feel hurt. I managed to do that a while back, and even if most people STILL treat me like dirt, I know I'm not bad. The people who really pick on me (some of my co-workers think they're still in high school), I now know are not pointing out bad things about me, but have the same mentality as abusers in that they sniff out people who are too kind/nice/trusting. I now know they're bad, and I'm not.

Even if the realisation is all I have, it does feel better.

I've just these past few weeks, opened up to a therapist (who left because low-income clinics are a revolving door, but I can't afford better, so I may never be fully healed), and my reverend. They could only say "that's so sad," and "this is, honestly, it's heartbreaking," (part of it was I directed them both to my survivor story since all that is hard to articulate coherently), but a big thing was I could agree and not minimise it or excuse it away.

About not fitting in, you know, the class pictures I could afford to be in or was allowed to be in high school, I felt like I was reflected more washed-out and faded than the other kids. It wasn't true, but I know exactly what you mean.

I am so happy for you that you've accepted yourself. Even if nothing changes externally, it's a whole new and improved world internally.

It's my honest hope that everyone here reaches that point.

 

[Dust]

Hi CDL. Thanks for the compliment! I was wondering when I was going to find a fellow Police fan. My teen years were spent listening to them too. I related to the sense of isolation expressed in "Message In A Bottle". It's the same sense of isolation I expressed in this post.

Thanks also for sharing your experience and for your encouragement. May you keep trying to get what you can from therapy. If someone new comes in maybe they'll stay awhile, maybe enough time for you to get some healing done. A little is better than none at all. I can understand the frustration in having to break in a new therapist over and over again. I sure hope that you won't give up that route to healing if there is someone available though. It sounds like you're making progress just the same. I see what you're saying about the internal benefits of self-acceptance. You have noticed them in yourself and maybe I will too.

 

[chairdesklamp]

"Message in a Bottle" is apt for my life now. Most of my human interaction is taking orders from bosses and telling customers the coffee is on aisle 3, save MS (well, that could be like the end part of the song)

Also, does the third verse of "Wrapped Around Your Finger" give you chills, too? Maybe it's because I'm pretty sure I'll never get that sense of vengeance/justice in my life, but man, I love that part.

Well, actually, for thwrapy, I had my Survivor Story printed out and added to the file. These are very generalised therapists, some can offer little but condolences, and I'm a practical solutions oriented kinda guy, but having one place where the whole thing is consicely (as much as it can be) articulated is a huge help. I recommend it to anyone seeking therapy who's on here. Have your therapist read it and add it to your file. I know it was an intense labour for all of us, writing it out in detail, and it can be hard to speak it all and remain coherent.

I hope you do notice them. I really hope you have that same feeling. While it also really throws into stark relief how unfair our lives are, it's so freeing to know there's nothing wrong or bad about you.The things that have been done to us are the most heinous things people can do to eah other. We've suffered real atrocities; we have every right to be angry.

(Okay, I now just reminded myself of a Pat Benetar song)

 

[dark empathy]

So last night, I'm lying in bed, ready to fall asleep, and thinking to myself just how much I have actually hated people throughout my life. Hated them because it seems that all others in life fit in whereever they go, and I've always had the experience and feeling of being hopelessly and helplessly barred from ever fitting in. It is as if I have been shunned from human company or groups whenever they form. I felt shunned by the "ease" with which people formed groups and just in general interacted with each other. It was completely out of my reach to be that way and, because of that, I resented people for what came natural to them, that is, their ability to belong to a group of people. I even hated the fact that groups automatically form whereever people congregate for an extended period of time.

I definitely understand this feeling. The problem in my case is its very difficult to decide its me. I can come up with many examples of rejection, passive and active in my life that have bugger all to do with my own attitude.

yes anyone with a disability needs a thick skin, particularly something like a visual impairment where you stop being a human being because you can't make eye contact so people avoid you or forget you exist, the problem I tend to find is where my lady is ready to try and try again (though of course she does have the advantage of being female and attractive which always helps as far as ice breaking goes), I find myself just getting tired of bothering, especially because even if it does! work I usually end up as everyone's brother confessor, followed by having everyone fuck off and forget I exist and discount me from everything, experiences which my lady's also had.

It also doesn't help that basically as soon as you pass thirty people tend to bugger off and breed anyway and forget about everybody else around them (no wonder its called the selfish gene), and if your not interested in either spreading around your dna or acquiring capital your pretty much on a none starter, indeed the best times I've had in my life in terms of group and belonging have been with people who similarly rejected society's little obsessions, indeed some of those friends are having virtually the same problem right now themselves, the only issue is they live a little too far away for some sort of regular contact to work.

This isn't to negate what you've said rocco, indeed much is sounding familiar in terms of shame and self hatred since hell I've got lots of that still, however the problem I do have is that not all of this sense of not belonging is soluble with positive thinking.

Of course I will also admit on the other hand the fact that I basically live with my best friend and the person who I love best helps a lot, since the hollywood ideal of "us against the world" really is true in our case and there are lots of times with my lady that the rest of humanity can just sod off, for all I know this attitude probably isn't good for me in the long run and I probably should muster the energy to try again, just like I've tried all those times before albeit I've failed, or at least been failed far more often than I have succeeded.

Luke.

 

[Dust]

CDL, I like the analogy you made between the ending of the song "Message In A Bottle" and the sense of connection you get here. It's a very good way of communicating and understanding the experience of going from isolation to community that I'm sure many here have felt, including myself. If you ever get back into therapy, one thing that might do is to let your therapist know what style of therapy you prefer. Once a therapist knows that you prefer practical solutions, they can adjust their style to suit your needs. In addition, practical solutions can always be found here at MS. As mentioned in this post above, mindfulness meditation has outcomes that are very similar, if not the same, as outcomes in therapy. Thank you again for your encouragement.

 

[Dust]

Always glad to hear from you Luke. Although it's unfortunate that we share in the experience of feeling that we don't belong, it is nice to know that we can belong by not belonging, as you mentioned in your response. Yes, your sense of isolation has been much alleviated by the presence of your best friend and lady. I'm sure you have a similar therapeutic/healing effect on your lady, as you have shared about the reasons why that would be. I'm kind of stuck on this issue of not belonging myself, Luke. I don't know if the experience that I describe in this post will make any difference going forward. I've gotten good feedback from you and others, encouragement, and a sense of not being alone in this. That, I will say, feels good. To have that sense of isolation being broken, even for a time, can only be a good thing. The reaching out and sincerity of the responses, including yours, assures me that I am not alone in this feeling. That is important, as we are social creatures and need each other to heal from abuse and the effects of isolation. Thanks for putting yourself out there alongside of myself and our fellow survivors.