Intuition

Intuition
T

testingWaters

Hello to all.

If you've followed my posts, thank you and here is an update. I guess I still want witnesses.

I am beginning to feel a better sense of what happened. I don't know when it started or ended. I fully trust my body and the little kid in me that it did happen. I'm writing now because my when my father denied having any idea what I was talking about, I felt he was afraid and hiding. The rest of my family, who are coming around to the idea that something might've happened, seem to think he really has no clue. I don't buy it. Yet it is a very hard place for me. I've had alot of mistaken intuition in my life. More like paranoid in relationships that girlfriends were cheating on me. Yet I am pretty sure I now understand why and I have to be very strong and hold my own against his lying. It is difficult because I feel like I am bluffing - whatever did happen was very traumatic and while I never blocked it out altogether, I developed an truly incredible capacity to pretend things never happened. Now I have enough fragments, feelings, etc to be 80% confident of my experiences but if they are "true", he has to be actively lying about his confusion as to why I am so angry. All of which puts me in the position, again, of feeling like a little kid who is at battle with the devil. Life stinks sometimes.
 
So.............

What is it that you're not sure of? That your Dad molested you? Or someone else? I'm not sure what you're trying to get at here.

And, why do you feel that you're in a battle w/the devil? You're gonna have to elaborate on this a little for it to make sense to me.
 
What I was trying to say is I am afraid my father will lie about what he did and that because my own memories remain jumbled like a kid's, it is difficult to feel that it could come down to my word against his.

What I said about feeling like I am battling with the devil was poetic, not literal. I was trying to describe feeling powerless against the word of a person who I know is not telling the truth. That is how I feel sometimes right now. Yet I am an adult and I am not powerless and I have a good support network of allies who I trust.

I am sorry if I was not clear and it made me sound looney. Thanks.
 
TW,

You don't sound looney at all, but with your memories and feelings in a jumble like this it would really help you to take all this up with an experienced therapist. There are various ways a T can use to try to recover memories, and these might help you.

I don't mean to minimize your feelings that your father was the one who abused you, but another possibility is that as a boy you were angry with him because you saw him as a failed protector. For example, perhaps the abuser was a family friend, or perhaps the abuse took place in your home, where you should have been safe.

I bring all this up because I had a lot of negative feelings about my father when I was younger. I now understand that this was because the abuser knew him well and was doing his damnest to break the close relationship I had with my father. For example, the abuser told me that my father would throw me out of the house if he knew, and that he was disappointed in me because I was asthmatic and unable to be a big sports hero. At the age of 11 I was insecure and shy anyway, so I was an easy mark for that crap.

Much love,
Larry
 
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