intrusive feelings and thoughts

[invisibleboy]

sometimes when i am in intimate (sexual) situations with my girlfriend, something that she does...such as the way she touches me, or something she says, will remind me of what happened to me when i was younger. i get scared and freaked out when this happends, but i never say anything because she doesn't know about these horrible events that took place in the past. so, my fear is internal, and the way i handle it is usually to just tune out everything going on around me, and just not allow myself to think at all. it's wierd, and i don't know if i can really explain it, but i guess i just sort of close my eyes and escape from the sexual situation that i am in, and from the thoughts and fears it is causing me to have. i switch to a sort of autopilot state, and i don't think she even notices. anyway, i don't remember ever reading any one writing about this problem, and i was wondering if anyone knows what i am talking about. it is an embarressing topic for me because it makes me feel like a pervert or a wierdo because i don't think that i am supposed to be thinking about my bad experiences when i am trying to have a good experience with my girlfriend. i can't control it, though. i don't like it and it is a painful experience for me. sometimes, because something she does will remind me of the past, i almost feel like she is abusing me and taking advantage of me...even though she isn't. it's just that i revert back into the state of mind i had back then and i start to have the same scared feelings. i wish that these feelings would just go away or that i could at least control them more.

 

[Grunty1967b]

Well, get ready for a flood of responses!

Have a look around the posts here when you feel you want to and can, and you'll see that there are so many guys here like you (and me) that have all of these feelings.

Amazingly, as much as it is painful, knowing that others also have shared some of the hurts that you have helps by you knowing that you're not alone.

A few things spring to mind that you mentioned, things like the place where you just blank out your mind, try to think of other things.

Probaly one of the biggest things you'll discover is the whole shame thing. Even thinking about your past abuse, let alone coming to a forum like this and disclosing to others can make you feel so yuck, but you'll find it's in this sharing to others that you see others also feel that way. There's encouragement in that believe it or not.

Your input is highly valued and a great tool in helping others (and yourself) cope. You'd better believe it! It's true and it has been for me in my short 2 weeks here.

Thanks for being here and if I could I'd make it so that there would never have been a need for you to be here then I'd wave that magic wand. Take care and feel VERY welcome, accepted and loved.

 

[blueelectron9]

Yes, I experience a similar situation with my partner. He knows about my SA, though, and can tell if I've switched or turned off and is pretty good at bringing me back.

I've had to avoid certain s* acts altogether for the time being until I can learn how to not associate them with my SA. I'm learning, with my therapist's help, that s* can be loving and comfortable between two consenting adults and that my partner is not my abuser. I tell that to myself before we start anything and always check in before, during, and after. It really helps. I believe I'm getting to the point where I can perform and be present at the same time. It's actually blown my world at how great that can feel sometimes.

Peace,
Scotty