Introduction

Introduction
A

abcdefghijklm

Registrant
Hi everyone

I hope it's ok to start a new thread like this. I've been reading the board for about 10 days and I wanted to introduce myself and ask a few questions.

I'm 35 and I've only just (in the last month) "remembered" being abused when I was about 10.

When I "remembered" this, it straight away made a lot of sense of my life. Everything seemed to fit. I had a few days when I felt happy and free. I realised how easy and good life would be if I only had to deal with life itself, not with all the stuff I carry around. And I recognised some of the feelings people express on the board as applying to me.

But "remembering" like this also worries me. I don't have what I'd call a real memory of what happened. Part of me thinks I've just made it up because it "fits" so well. It's such a good explanation for my fucked-up life (like a good scientific explanation which ties together all the data); and it's one which somehow lets me off the hook because I can think that my problems aren't really to do with, they're all because of something that's been done to me. I keep trying to remember properly, but I only get some disjointed images. Today, though, I've been feeling a really wierd and scary sensation which is making me think that I must have been buggered. But that's a big jump to a big conclusion on the basis of a feeling!

My wife had a psychotic episode last year and she had to be "sectioned" (UK-speak for compulsorily hospitalised) for 3 months. This was really traumatic (for her, obviously, but also for me) and I think it started me "remembering" because I experienced it as a repetition of the earlier, repressed, trauma.

When my wife got ill I got a lot closer to my Mum because she was just about the only person I could really talk to about it. (One of the worst things about the whole episode, for me, was "losing" my wife, who is often the only person I can really talk to: I had so many fuckwits giving me their uninvited and uninformed opinions.) So I told my Mum on the phone last week what I seemed to "remember" about being abused. She was really good to talk to (I still can't really talk to my wife as she is so involved with her own recovery; she's really struggling and close to the edge). But one thing she said worried me as well. As far as I can "remember" I was only raped once, by a teacher who was abusing lots of kids in my school and was kicked-out soon after. And my Mum asked whether that one event would that really have had such an effect on my life. When I read some of the posts on the board I feel so lucky, because other people have had such awful experiences; but it makes me feel like a fake as well. It's like I'm trying to get some kind of sympathy which I'm not entitled to because other people have suffered so much more.

This is getting really long. I guess I've got two other questions which I'll try to keep brief.

(1) I'm puzzled that I don't feel any anger at all. I've actually always been a bit horrified by the vilification of paedophiles. Not because I think what they do is acceptable: I know that it's horrific and incredibly damaging. I guess I just think that they're either born with, or acquire through no fault of their own, a sexuality which they can't express. Just having such a sexuality makes them monsters in our society, even if they manage to control it. Is it OK, in your view, to feel this way? Should I be more angry?

(2) I've been thinking that I should try to trace the teacher who abused me. Obviously I couldn't take any legal action or contact the police because my memories are so incomplete and it was 25 years ago. But I do know for certain that he was a paedophile who abused lots of kids and moved from school to school changing his name. I feel that I have a responsibility to find him, and if he's still working with children to do something (but what could I do which wouldn't be libellous?) to let people know about him. Does anyone have any advice about this?

Well, that's me, anyway. Please be honest with me (I think I can take it). Tell me what you think.

Tom.
 
I'm so glad you found this place. What you're feeling and asking about is very common for us, and the process of remembering and dealing with the change in the way we view our past is never an easy one. Being here, talking to others who've been through similar feelings has helped me more than years of therapy.

May I say first that I think mothers, no matter how good intentioned, are programmed with that response. "Would one time really change all that much?" Of course the logic is that your mother would also say to a women who has been raped, "You were only raped one time, so get over it." Abuse breaks a trust. And no matter how we've been hurt, whatever the details or the number of times, it's very hard to find an abuse survivor who trusts people freely. I've heard of men who've gone through SO much more than me. Does that mean I wasn't hurt? Of course not. We can't compare ourselves to others or minimize the fact that an adult forced a 10-year-old to become an object, to even think about sexuality before it was time.

Memories are stored in one place while the emotion may be stored in another. Coming to the conclusion that this was done to you is one thing. Take your time. The emotions will probably come. And then we want them to stop. Time is the healer here. And I sure wouldn't even think about confrontation for a long time. That's a whole other subject.

I'm sorry your teacher did that to you. Finding the source of a lot of life's troubles can be so difficult when something so terrible is unconvered. Please don't minimize your feelings. I think you'll find brothers here who understand what we're going through more than anybody we've ever met. We're here for you.

Now, about that user name.... :)
 
Tom,

A distant uncle had his way with me one night. That was the only time I was abused, but let me tell you- right now, that coupled with other things that are happening in my life at this moment are destroying me.

It's interfering with my job, my home life... just about every facet of my existence.

I'm not saying that is the way it is or will be for you; at one point I felt like you do about what happened... but as time passed, things started to come out.

If you start to feel any distress over this, don't wait: seek counseling.
 
Welcome aboard ABC, I just wanted to add my 2 cents. I'm 36, I was abused at the age of 9 and 11. I've come to realize that it wasn't the abuse itself that was so bad, it's the effects that have manifested themselves in my teen and adult life that have been most destructive.

Your abuse may not have been so bad, just like mine, but the effects, well, that's another thing to consider entirely.
 
Tom (a bit quicker to type than abcdefghijklm), glad to see you found us.

I think you should reconsider the doubt of the impact of your abuse by the fact that you came across us (either by accident or after searching the web) and you are here posting. This is for all survivors, regardless of the details, frequency or extent of abuse.

As others have said and will no doubt say after this post of mine, abuse is abuse, trust is broken, betrayal takes place, your innocence is lost, your security robbed and your emotions crippled or shut down.

I dont want to paint a doom and gloom picture, but your pain and abuse is just as valid as anybody elses Tom. You have every right to be here and you are warmly welcomed.

Your lack of anger should not be viewed either as lack of evidence as to your abuse. That will come at some time in the future my friend along with other issues that although they suck, ultimately help you get better and live a better life.

Its great to have you here Tom. I look forward to getting to know you better.
 
Tom,

Welcome to MS. I know you will gain a lot from this site; just ease into it as you feel comfortable. Your pace is your own and no one will rush you.

A lot of what you say is widely encountered among survivors: fragmented memories, "feelings" and anxieties about what may have happened, and so on. As you read more here you will see so many places where you think, Hey, me too! A lot of it is distressing of course, but it sure is good to know you aren't alone.

Your questions are valid ones, and here is what I would say.

First of all, your feelings are YOURS - you own them. It's not primarily a matter of whether they are good or bad - the real point is that there they are: this IS how you feel. If, for example, you feel ashamed that you were abused, you have to accept the reality of this sentiment and find a way to work with it. How can you find a way to believe that no child is ever to blame for the crimes committed against him? That doesn't mean that accept the truth of our feelings however. To say "I FEEL guilty" is one thing, but it quite another to conclude "I AM guilty".

In many cases a survivor will wonder why don't I feel in such and such a way? As you say, why don't I feel angry? A very short answer is that you aren't ready. Many of these feelings represent stages in how a survivor copes. The main task we have is to acknowledge how we feel and work with those feelings as they arise. It gets crazy sometimes, but we ARE getting somewhere.

On the second one, tracing the perp, we can all appreciate your feeling of responsibility: What if he is still hurting kids? If you can in fact trace him, one thing you can do is report him to Childline. There versions of that in every state, and so far as I know you bear no legal responsibility if you report someone in good faith. You will remain anonymous.

If you are talking about pursuing and confronting the abuser yourself I would say this should wait for awhile until you are a lot clearer about where you stand as a survivor and what your issues are. Legal proceedings of any kind can be traumatic, and on this subject it is something that drains away a lot of strength and emotional resources that we need for our own healing. For right now I would say put yourself first. Call Childline if you find the abuser, but beyond that I think you should wait.

Much love,
Larry
 
Tom
Once is one time too many, and survivors haven't got a league table of abuse, every incident carries the potential for problems later in life.
So don't feel guilty or think that what you feel is unimportant - it's important to you and that's all that matters.

I was also abused at school in the UK, by older boys and a teacher in the early 1960's when abuse wasn't talked about and it was covered up.
I wasn't believed when I told the headmaster what had happened, so the sex abuse continued until I left the school. The effects still continue to this day, 38 years on.

But therapy and support have enabled me to reclaim my life, and some hard work as well.
Now I'm working for a charity that provides therapy for survivors, there is help out there for us.
If you feel that help is what you need right now, then send me a Private Message and let me know where you live and I'll try and find out if there is anyone close to you that can provide help and support.

Dave
 
Thank you everyone for the really kind messages. They're very touching and very helpful.

In the last couple of days I've been thinking: right, I've remembered this (step 1); next, I deal with it (step 2); then I get on and start really living for the first time (step 3).

One of the messages that runs through the posts is that it won't/can't be like this. This isn't great to hear; but I know it's true and realistic.

I seem to be realising so many really obvious things recently, which I don't like at all. It hurts my intellectual vanity. But then I start to realise what my intellectual vanity is tied up with: I have to understand everything in advance (I can't bear to learn anything new) because I couldn't bear it if something happened again which was completely outside anything I'd thought of in advance.

Thanks again to everyone, Tom.
 
Dear abcd,
Just you said you are still remembering the 'abcd' of your abuse story, let it come thru gradually so will all your embedded emotions as well, give them some time and then you can start healing them.

First lets know what is the extent of the disarray before we start addressing it.

As for you mothers question, does a one time event affect any one so much. My question, what if all you can remember 'now' is only one incident, and also a single trauma is enough for the possible derailment of your emotional life.

So to get it on track you can start your healing process right away, by talking about it openly and candidly as possible, outing yourself as it were.

Your trying to justify your abusers action is just what we have all been thru, the denial phase, when we tell ourselves, O it is ok, I have not been hurt. I would say, let it sink in.

As for reaching for the roots, I would prefer your non physical method for the time being let more clarity come on its own, then you can turn into an investigator or hire one.

All the best
 
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