Introduction - 10 Facts

Skier32

Registrant
1. I'm not really sure when the abuse started - i remember a sexual experience when I was 4 - I "think" it was by a female baby sitter
2. My brother (7 years older) started the abuse when I was 5 or 6 in a bed during a family trip, (I idolized my brother) this began abuse with trips to the attic and a hidden secret we had.
3. A neighborhood kid (4 years older) molested me and his brother several times. I heard this kid (the abuser) is homeless, in and out of psychiatric hospitals, and confessed to a friend that he was abused by another neighborhood kid
4. My younger brother (4 boys, I was third) struggled with anxiety and depression, his sexuality, and ultimately committed suicide. I know he witnessed my abuse. Not sure he was abused.
5. My 2nd oldest brother is an alcoholic, and sex addict
6. The hardest part for me was that I was a willing participant, i wasn't held down and raped. I thought this was a secret we shared.
7. I became very sexually aggressive with both boys and girls at a very early age.
8. I struggle with anxiety, depression, and OCD (on medication that helps)
9. I REALLY struggle with my sexuality. Not sure what I am, gay, straight, bi-sexual. Married to a woman for 31 years.
10. I haven't confronted my brother - he's still in my life. I tolerate him (we are not close) for my 93 year old mother.
11. I'm a mess
 
Now that we've got all that cleared up, welcome to the club none of us wants to join but are glad exists. :eek:

Living with confusion and shame is never easy yet it is the reality every trauma survivor lives with. I'm sorry you experienced the things you did. None of us deserved to be introduced to sexuality that way, but alas all the men here have their own version of a story like this. The fact you didn't resist what was happening, makes it no less traumatic. I honestly believe the real measure of whether we've been traumatized is the quality of our lives in this moment. The fact you say you're a mess, is all we need to know. The reality is that nothing we did before, during or after the trauma(s) we experienced was our fault. We were innocent. And all we've done during our lives is try to feel safe, something that is very hard for any trauma survivor to do. So you've come to the right place Skier. Welcome. I encourage you to ramble around the website and do a bit of reading. You'll definitely encounter kindred spirits here. When you find a conversation that resonates for you you're welcome to participate. Glad you found us and introduced yourself. All the best on your healing journey.
 

Skier32

Registrant
Thanks Visitor. It was hard to write what I did in my introduction. I've never been this honest - it felt very risky and my heart was racing. I hope this is a safe place where I can share and read about others in recovery.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Welcome @Skier32 - glad to have you here. Thanks for being so brave and honest. It's not easy sharing our abuse - even anonymously with strangers. Visitor is correct, you will find much compassion and understanding here. Sorry for what happened to you. It would seem to me, not knowing for sure, that many or all of your brothers may have suffered CSA as well given their own struggles. And the "being a willing participant..." think back to that kid you were. If you had known what your brother was wanting to do, before he (I am assuming) just did it without asking your permission - would you have said yes? And if at age 5 or 6, even if your answer was yes - do you think that 5 or 6 year old really understood? Or being 7 years older, did he know full well it was wrong, and manipulated you into it (even if the manipulation was that he know you idolized him)? All I guess I'm trying to say is: 1) you were sexually abused; my dad never held me down either (although I did resist at times), but I was not a willing participant and, 2) it was not your fault at that age being abused by older children, teens, or adults.

Any sexual activity initiated by you at that young age, also, was also something not your fault - but the fault of those who abused you. Hyper-sexualization is very common for those of us here. And sexual identity is hard to nail down - because we weren't allowed to grow up into our own sexuality. Someone else's was imprinted upon us. Part of the healing process is actually growing up this part of ourselves that wasn't allowed to. We have probably done some of this healing already, but there is definitely more healing in our future.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
[email protected] - You have found a very special group that will help you heal. You were brave to post your feelings and your story out line. This ais a great first step in recovery. Please be free to read the stories here, and talk to others, you will find many like you and many who are different, but we are all here to heal and help each other. I am an only child, but my abuse was started at age 6 too, and I was abused by a baby sitter by age 9. All I ask if you read my stories is feed back. I love to talk about and share about life. I am also married but for only 17 years, I am BI and yet married to a guy and we have one adopted son, who is gay and 27 now. We are all MS but I am the only one on this site in the family. Again welcome to our group.
 

brother2none

Staff member
It was hard to write what I did in my introduction. I've never been this honest - it felt very risky and my heart was racing. I hope this is a safe place where I can share and read about others in recovery.
It gets easier @Skier32 I remember feeling the same way, that I somehow sabotaged myself for telling. It was an illusion. Keep sharing.
 
That is a lot to unpack & sort thru, & I'm sorry you experienced all of that as a child. While your experiences are unique to you, you'll find that many here have, & still do, deal with similar issues. Glad you found us, but sorry that you need us. You'll find lots of support here.
 
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