Introducing myself

Introducing myself
A

Arthur

Registrant
Hello,
My name is Arthur but I prefer being addressed as "Art". I am a survivor of childhood SA. I have been through therapy and found it very helpful. I am currently involved in going to night school to become a licensed massage therapist. I found this website while looking on Google for information for a report I will be giving soon on how massage can be helpful to survivors in recovery from childhood SA. The article in the "professional" menu on the MS homepage titled: Touch...Massage...Missing Elements by Deborah P. Hoey, M.A., C.M.P. moved me to tears. So much of it described me.
I hope to learn a lot from you all here. Thanks for more hope.

Art
 
Art: Welcome to Malesurvivor. I am truly sorry for what has brought you here but am really glad that you have found us.

Hey a Massage Therapist. Wow that is great. Now we have two of you. Don is another one.

You will find no judgement or condemnation or racism of any kind here. Just compassion and brotherly affection of the best kind. And a strong shoulder if needed. Thank you for joing us and adding another two shoulders.

I personally think that these guys here are, without question, the finest group of men that I have ever come across.
 
art,
welcome aboard! i echo mike's conclusions about the sense of community and brotherhood here at ms.org. as with any close group though, there will be "bad hair days", but where it matters, the brotherhood here is second to none. take care, art.
 
Welcome Art,

I am glad that you found us, not just because I could use a massage right about now. There are a lot of good supportive guys here on this site, but as with anybody, we do have an occassional "bad hair day" as Theo has said. That's because we are such a diverse group of fellow that come here for a common bond. With that you can get a wide range of insight on your concerns, questions, and rants.

Take care and be well,
Bill
 
Art
this is a great place to come, the guys here offer so much support and help. I know that I can't do without my daily 'fix' :D

I'm sure Don will be along shortly, he's also a Massage Therapist, and loves to tell us all about the benefits.
If one of you does home visits, then I'm ready for a massage anytime.

Dave
 
Welcome. I'm glad that you were able to find the site.
I hope it provides great benfits to you. Look forward to chat with you.

Take care
 
Hi, I wanted to introduce myself or sometime but have been puting it off. i don't know where to begin so I will begin at what is happening presently.
I am a survivor who avoided confronting and dealing with my SA for years. After years of marriage to a beautiful woman who survived SA and rape herself, she began suffering effects of PTSD as I lived out of behaviors built in from my own SA. In reality and in hindsight I can see that we both acted upon our learned behaviors all this time that contributed to our inappropriate communication and interaction.
The last 6 to 7 years of our marriage have been stormy to say the least.

We both worked in ministry and pastoral positions for several years. We are entering our 19th year of marriage. At first things seemed to go forward regardless of personality problems and conflicts and my wifes persistent unattended depression. After 12 years of marriage I began to use prescription and then street drugs, while my wife had been secretly drinking for some time.

These last 6 years we have attempted to put our lives together in in various manners and in varying methods with much difficulty and little success. Over the last few years I have gone out and abused substances about once a year. Almost 2 years clean was the longest time.
I began entering into therapy with a very sincere friend who was a clinical therapist and began to discuss my SA, which happened for several years of my childhood. As I began to unearth some things about my assaults that contributed to my behavior and thinking which troubled me and I stopped therapy for some time.

At this time my wife started treatment for PTSD and chronic pain management which includes heavy meds, appointments (which she has trouble with due to agoraphobia), physical therapy, group sessions and more. Both of us were working for the same company (family owned in laws) which suffered some financial problems for several months. We did not receive paychecks for over 14 weeks. All this stress pushed us into a very unstable situation.

My soul-mate asked me to leave the house after these 19 years together to have some time to think things through. The next day she told me that she could file assault charges on me for being abusive to her (even though the night before she kicked me twice in the chest while I was down on my knees). In a couple days she changed the locks, bought cats (which I am highly allergic) and told me she wants a divorce.
I later learned she manipulated this whole thing after a couple months of planning to leave me.

I spent the next two months working at trying to uncover the problems I contributed to this union that led to her decision to separate from me.
As I began to work on my own issues and dialogue with her, which was not easy (because she was making strong accusations and even claiming I was abusive and threatening to her and our 4 children). I began to research information about PTSD and the meds she was taking and found that it was not uncommon for someone to have episodes that would include unreasonable and unrealistic reactions to others and that the meds could also be a big factor. As I called on our friends to help provide support and even pray for her and our kids, she accused me of getting all of our friends to turn against her.
It was heart wrenching and left me feeling so defeated that this person I loved was so sadistic in her plan to malign me by telling others I was cruel and a monster to her and the kids. She made others believe everything was my fault and that she was just the victim of my 18 year manipulation to control her with intimidation and fear.

By Gods grace I believed that my efforts to unlearn my behaviors and live close to my childhood experiences of pain, and embrace that which left me so scarred, I was asked to come back to her and our kids.
As I desired to love her more completely and unreservedly, I tried to learn as much as I could about her condition and went to her doctors, counselor, read articles and books and even began reading posts from PTSD sufferers and supporters.
After some time back together I read through some posts she contributed about me and I felt hurt, but I also felt that it helped me understand where she was in her mindset of her perspective of me.

As I discussed this with her she flipped out because I read through the supposedly private stuff she posted in a public forum that hundreds read through and many responded to and even called me hideous things. I was instantly pushed from her emotionally and was targeted with vile and disgusting remarks (similar to the remarks that she posted about me).

She called me a narcissist and an abuser. That I am spying on her to control her.

I know that I can tend to be as self interested as others and even respond inappropriately with sarcasm, anger and resentment towards those that offended me.
I know I am not above mistakes. After we decided that I would come home it was determined that we must both communicate these things clearly to one another without using abusive language or behavior as we communicated.

I am the only one that must live with consequences of my actions and she continues to live out of her pain, which responds in anger and resentment toward everyone.
She doesnt feel the least bit sorry for anything she said about me or slandered me with (or continues too).

Am I being over sensitive?
Does it make me a narcissist because I have done wrong against someone out of my own selfishness?
Her online friends in a certain PTSD forum claim I am a possible sociopath as well as a narcissist Yet they only heard her side and dont even realize the damage she has done but she painted a very powerful portrait of me as someone who has no heart or the ability to exhibit love towards anyone


Do I desire see some justice in a situation that doesnt warrant it? Is this self seeking?

What do I do to try and build trust back into our marriage and our lives??

I am walking upon the sides of mountains as I journey. I do not seek mountaintop experiences that many others might try to sell. I see the suffering of humanity and understand it to well to know that the mountaintop is not where we dwell, but that we continue to sojourn. Some valleys and some mountaintops will be encountered. But the mountainsides, the rough terrain, the difficult passages with dangerous pathways all along the cliffs and jagged rocks are the trails we most often engage.

Right not I feel barefoot on a steep slope of rocks a sharp as shards of glass that I am left to navigate and climb alone.


Any suggestions???
 
How are you doing, brothers?

well, a foolish question, anyway. But I wanted to say Hi. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but as the others have said, I'm glad you found this place. It's an invaluable tool for healing.

I can't add to what's been previous, except to say that part of th garbage a lot of us had to deal with is that our abusers used "love" as a tool to get what they want. "love with a price tag" isn't love. We've not known enough of what true love is, which is love given freely. Love without payment.

Well, Art and 'Soul (couldn't resist. Sorry! :D ), I do love you. Without strings, and I expect NOTHING in return.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot, you crack me up man :D

And isn't a bit of humour a wonderful thing eh ?
Not that 'Soul seems to have much at the moment unfortunately.

But you've found a good place 'Soul, and one where we will try to help and support, even if we haven't got all the magic cures.

It's tempting to say to someone in your position "what more can you possibly do ?" and then recommend that you get out. But that's not your choice, and our healing is about our individual choices.

We are the only people who can effectively heal ourselves, OK - support and help from others is wonderful; but they can't heal for us. Just as you can't heal your wife, just support and help.
And that makes any relationship between two people who have emotional trauma problems very difficult.
One day you might have a success with something that's bothered you for years, and it becomes difficult to understand why your partner can't achieve the same breakthrough just as easily as you have. We're all different, and we all do things our own way. You might take the steep but shorter route up the mountain, she might take the longer but gentler climb.

There are forums out there where the climate is one of bashing everyone who is perceived to be 'causing' or making a problem worse for those that are there, thankfully that rarely happens here. Our concern is for the Man who comes here to heal, and our anger is towards the perp's.
We might cause you to think hard about your relationship and how it affects you, but if it's your choice to stay within it then that's what you have to work with.

I hope we can help.

Dave
 
Art,
I just saw this and wanted to say hello. I recently got my license in massage and now am doing massage %100 of my time (still building though and still trusting the universe). Massage has helped me greatly as I continue to heal and I am looking forward to all that I will be able to do through the use of touch.

Don
 
I'm too tired to give any great "words of wisdom" right now (lol), so I'll say welcome. It's nice to meet both of you. I'll try to help if I am able to.
:)


p.s., I guess that I can't resist one word of wisdom; listening is three quarters of talking.
 
Thx everyone...
Just so you know, I love my wife dearly and want to see her move towards personal wholeness. I will continue to support her in spite of things said and done, because love is not about getting but giving. It has taken me a long time to learn and I am still learning. I only hope she can receive my support without being suspect of my actions.

Pray for us...

again thx...
 
I am relatively new here as well. I can not begin to describe how helpful the guys here have been! We all care about each other and do our best to help each other out. You all are in my prayers, and I hope you all find the path to get over your past. Again, welcome brothers!
Casey
 
Art -

'I hope to learn a lot from you all here'!

Art - this site could have been called 'HOPE'..it is a very safe place with excellent support, no judgement and people that believe in YOU.

Tainted Soul - that's a lot to take in...will need to read again....don't have any real advice other than keep coming here & you will find strength.

Good luck to you both....Rik
 
Hi Art,

I've been a Registered Massage Therapist for 5 1/2yrs. Touch has definetely given me the ability to help heal others. In so many ways. I know it helps my clients, but in some way it helps me. I really do get a huge benefit out of knowing that I'm able to help someone feel better. I do alot of treatment oriented therapy. Meaning I use specific modalities to treat certain conditions. Most of my clients come to me with some sort of injury in the begining, but once that has been taken care of, they keep coming back. This is often because they realize that prevention is the best way to treat an injury. But, I think that deep down most just really like having a massage. I know I do. This is one of the greatest benefits of being a therapist myself, having a multitude of peers that I can go to when i find myself in need of some healing hands.

I know that there are some guys who post here that have alot of difficulty with being touched buy others. As a survivour, I understand. As a therapist, I wish I could try and help. But I know not to push things onto others when they aren't ready. So, if you encounter this, let it go. Just know that you will have plenty of chances to help heal. Let it flow through you. You will make a difference. You'll know this when your clients come out of your Tx room afterwards. I always feel a deep sense of satisfaction When I see how much I've helped them. This never goes away :D

Good luck with school. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

Yours in good health,

Shawn Reeder :)
 
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