Introducing myself to my fellow survivors

FindingHope

New Registrant
Struggling through addiction and sexual abuse is my reality, coming to grips with this reality and being able to overcome my situation with a meaningful, joy filled life is my purpose.
I began drinking when I turned twelve in hopes to end the shame and hurt from the incest that I endured a few years prior. The secret that I carried in my dysfunctional household was so heavy and so dark that I needed something to blur the edges.

I watched as the adults in my childhood home used alcohol to cope with most problems, so of course, I thought it would be fitting for me to give it a try. It worked! In truth, it worked perfectly. When I drank my compressed chest was finally allowed to release. The lines blurred and for the moment I felt okay. I felt less used, less dirty and like I could actually be. The comfort of being in my skin was euphoric.

Under the tender touch of alcoholic oblivion I began to care less about the abuse, about the incest and about the dysfuntion. As long as I continued to medicate with alcohol I could function. The problem is that alcohol does not distinguish which things you want to keep important in your life and which ones you don’t, in time they all become unimportant.

At first small things became unimportant; being on time, spending time with people, pursuing my goals. As my alcohol use became more prominent I found that major things became less important; such as being a present husband, being a decent father or even life in general. In the end even waking up became unimportant. Being stuck between the world I wanted and the feelings I wanted to avoid became a battle and in the war with my mind I was losing.

It was at this time that suicde became a real option for me, a legitimate exit from the hell that I was trapped into. So, I began to collect enough pills (which I will leave nameless) that would do the trick. The plan was when I reached seventy pills I would drink and take the pills and go to bed. When I finally reached seventy I drank myself to the point of being drunk enough that my shaking hand would stop long enough for me to take the pills. Just then, I walked out into the living room and saw my wife and son sitting on the couch and I had an immense moment of clarity. What the hell was I doing, I needed help.

The next day I started my recovery journey and I have not had a drink since (January 1st, 2017). A lot of things have happened in my life since then, some good and some not so good but through it all I have stayed clean and sober.

But sobriety comes at a cost, the PTSD triggers have made my life so unmanageable that I can no longer deny their existence. They take over my body without mercy, without warning and without permission. I need to work through the PTSD that slams into my brain, my heart, my essence. It is so large that I cannot do it, at least not alone. I have decided that I would seek professional help to help guide my recovery from my past traumas. I will be checking into a specialized program that works closely with people just like me, people who suffer, who fight with their inner self but also the same people who fight to find hope, who fight to decide that although the waves might collapse their worlds they will not let that wave define them. And through a sober perspective I have found the fight to do exactly that. A fight that will allow my spirit rest.
Thanks for letting me enter your community to begin the next chapter of my recovery.
 

Shyshark

Registrant
Hi FH

(we abbreviate as a lot of names are rrreeeeaaaallllyyyy long and complicated)

I am so glad you found us.

I'm sure you won't be surprised at how many men here have shared your life experience with alcohol and all the sorrow it brings ...
to the ones you love ... and of utmost importance ... the ones who love you.

Dealing with abuse is yet another challenge for alcoholics.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Can't deal with it when you're drunk ... and can't deal with it when your sober ...
but you have a great attitude.
That's helps.

The program sounds great.

You're right about allowing our spirits to rest.
When all is said and done that's all we really want.
Peace of mind, heart, and soul.

I hope we can help you with that.

Welcome to MS.

:)
 
An honor to have you among us, though every one of us would prefer not having to qualify for this particular club. Your determination to heal is inspiring, as is your commitment to sobriety. Alcohol and drugs are among favorite escapes from feeling for survivors of child abuse. I've used alcohol, food and porn to take me away. I've done 12 Step work around the food which no doubt contributed to my stepping back from both alcohol and porn. As you observe, without the escape valve we're left with what I call the residue of trauma... an array of feelings that are painful to bear. I don't know whether you've checked out this website but I hope you'll ramble about and see the various forums that cover a wide range of issues. You will find kindred spirits here, many of whom have encountered the tragedy of incest. You're not alone with any of this. I'm glad you found us. All the best on your healing journey.
 

Mojo2020

Registrant
Welcome to MS.... I think you'll find it's a place of genuine support and refuge when you need someone to listen and understand what it is you're going through.
 
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