Your descriptions just fine, it tells the heartbreaking 'reality' that many abused men find themselves in.
Last week in our group therapy session we started talking about our sex lives - "what sex lives?" was the general concensus.
All of us there were married or in a heterosexual relationship, and all of us rarely had sex with our partners.
The sad fact was that we all admitted masturbation was safer. It relieved us of emotional involvement, and physical contact but gave us the release from overpowering sexual feelings that we need.
We all loved our partners deeply, and would not betray them with someone else. None of us found our partners so unattractive that we considered that was the problem. We all kissed, held hands and hugged our partners.
So why can't we go that extra step and make love to our partners?
For me it's flashbacks and fantasies.
Making love gives me flashbacks to my abuse, which affects my 'performance' and I go limp. So to counteract that I start to fantasize, and my regular fantasy was ( still is to a degree ) performing bj's on other men.
This worked for many years, but I fell into the behaviour of trying, and succeeding, to make my fantasy true. And I have to stress that not every man will go down this route, but I did.
Acting out sexually with other men wasn't the ultimate sexual experience I had made it out to be in my fantasy, it was actually the opposite; a degrading and un-satisfying experience.
So that fantasy, although it still surfaces doesn't work anymore. So I still can't perform.
Why not change my fantasy? Well yes, I try to do that. I don't have any problem intellectually with using fantasy, the majority of people do it.
But I know where my last fantasy led me, and I can't risk that again. Even though I am emotionally stronger and rationally I 'know' that I won't allow any fantasy to take me over and become a reality again. But sub-conciously I think it's possible.
So, if I fantasize about the woman at work that fancies me ( strange, but true
) then any fantasy about her always contains a script about me getting caught with her. So that fantasy doesn't work either.
This whole scenario then creates a climate of fear, the fear that any attempt to make love is doomed before it begins. So masturbation is the easy option.
I'm NOT saying your husband has the same experience; I relate my experience to show how complicated a seemingly simple problem can become for us. I've had therapy for just over 5 years, and only now am I accepting that how I relate to making love to my wife of thirty years needs some serious work on my part, probably with a psycho-sexual therapist.
Some men are lucky, they can make love to their partners. But I would hazard a guess that the majority of us have problems in this department.
Deep, and difficult to shift problems. The sad part is that it affects our partners, my wife still doesn't know what to do with me. If she initiates sex, will I reject her? will I fail? Neither case will make either of us feel better, so now neither of us try. It's just easier that way.
I haven't said much to cheer you up have I?
But its not all doom and gloom, there are ways to overcome this problem, but they take open and honest discussion, hard work and usually professional help. I've done the first two, the third option has to start soon.
Dave
