intimacy(not just sexual)

intimacy(not just sexual)
B

beccy

Registrant
Hi all,

I have just come to the realisation of just how little of an actual 'relationship' I have with my bf and we're in a bit of a mess right now.

It all seems such a mess. I'm also in therapy and have realised I've been very dysfunctional to the point where I've given myself to my bf both physically and emotionally repeatedly for our entire 12 year relationship, without hardly anything emotionally from him. Having had this realisation about just how much is missing, I have been in a kind of state of shock myself and trying to communicate some of this to him.

I have explained why I seem to keep being hostile to his physical advances(not just sexual). I can't seem to help it. I felt it was wrong to let it continue without explaining why. I want him to know I love him and he knows I want to be with him, but there is NO emotional relationship at all. NONE. He needs the continual reassurance of physical closeness, but I just can't give that anymore when I am so deeply unhappy with how little else there is; Conversation on a comfortable emotional level, feeling 'connected' by eye contact and communication. Small physical gestures and patience and respect. Being friendly, flirting and passionate expression BEFORE being physically sexual or making sexual comments.

Last night he explained to me that he just can't seem to do any of those things. He seems very resigned to this. He said he dosen't feel he could do them with anyone. My mind says I believe him, but my heart says he doesn't really want me/doesn't feel comfortable enough with me/I'm not right for him etc...

I've tried to make an effort to begin to create some true communication between us, and a few times he's started to talk to me(of his own accord) about some of the therapy process he's going through, but then he becomes very uncomfortable in all of these situations and all hope of anything continuing ends.

I am really trying to believe he does want to be with me, but I'm finding it hard. I feel like he just 'needs' me and 'uses' me. I have my own issues of abandonment and rejection from my past, which have led me to dysunctional behaviour in the past and I am trying so hard now to be productive and communicate about this. It's not the sex I'm missing, it's everything else. And i do realise that to break the pattern to a degree, I need to start expressing myself more freely in all ways, but it's like I tried bit and it was totally rejected and now what little confidence I had seems to be gone.

This morning I was hostile with him again when he tried to hug and kiss me and afterwards I explained again why that is and that I'm sorry.....then he was hostile with me. It's like we're caught in a loop. The only way I can presently see out of it, is to just be more like friends until he is in an emotional state where he can 'choose' to enter into an adult relationship with me.

I feel somewhat ungrateful, as he has reassured me a few times that it's me he wants to be with and that has definately been progress......but then I find myself thinking about how he's still not committed himself to the point of asking me to marry him......or instigated situations where we can 'connect' emotionally. But he wants the physical side of our relationship. He wants us to kiss and hug etc

When I was a child I always had to hug my parents if that was what they wanted, even if I felt mistreated in some way. I always had to return their affection and I can see that's what I've done in our relationship and I understand now, how wrong that is; A physical relationship, without my feelings being taken into account. But the physical side comes AFTER all that, right?

It all just seems a mess.....I've not only realised there's always been a good reason why I've been so depressed, I've also been feeling even more depressed. I feel trapped. Maybe me and bf are just not suited and we'll never be happy together...

If anybody has a clearer perspective on any of this, I'd be so grateful.

peace,
Beccy
 
Sorry, can I also add that I feel like our whole 12 year relationship counts for nothing with bf. Like he trusts me so little that it's so impossible for him to have any kind of emotional relationship with me.

And I also feel like I'm being selfish because it's him that's trying to heal and having to deal with all his survivor issues. It's HIM who's going through this horrendous and difficult recovery and he has really been applying himself to it.

Maybe I'm just being impatient?
But we've got all this history together and kids and I feel there's no natural communication between us and that it really must be because I'm just not right for him and that I'm being strung along until he realises that. Like paranoia? Like I'm crazy or something...
 
{{{{{{{Beccy}}}}}}}} You're not crazy, you're confused and hurt. There's a tremendous amount of strain on you because of everything you describe above and trying to work yourself out of that in short order is just not in the cards. Your b/f is in the same bind. You've got 12 years of disfunctional history behind you which is not undone in a short amount of time. BUT, for you to have stayed together for 12 years, something is there that's worth having.

You say that your b/f is making progress. Could it be that because of that, you are now allowing yourself to feel more of what's been missing because you trust him to be able to handle it? SAR asked me a very similar question several months ago and I took a good hard look before I answered it, to myself. Maybe you feel the need to be able to fall apart a little more and have him pick up the slack. From what you describe above, he's doing that, but you aren't really sure of what you're seeing, nor do you trust it, nor is it absolutely everything you want and need. But it's a step in the right direction, I think.

Think about it and then talk to your T about it. Both you and your b/f have to adjust to new behaviors, healthy ones, that while good for you, are way different from what you've become accustomed to. That in itself is stressful.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
All I can say, Beccy, is that I'm right there w/ you, except that I'm married. I just always thought that's just the way it has to be w/ him, just some men are not able to be intimate. But now I know it is something that can be improved upon (in therapy) if the man wants to. I guess he would need to see the benefit of improving on it - hard to say since for sure WE would benefit. But maybe they get comfortable not giving. Wonder what would make them see that changing is also to their advantage?

I realize now I've been so alone our whole marriage because of his csa not allowing him to connect w/ others, me or anyone. It is a sobering realization as you say. Like wow, you mean all this time we could have been close??? We could have been intimate, etc., but it's because of something that happened to him that we can't??? It's the first time for me to learn this also.

SAR and Larry, etc., do you have any opinion on WHY a guy would want to change so he can be more intimate? The rewards for the woman are obvious, but what would motivate the man???
 
Trish,

thankyou so much for your reassuring post. Until I read it, I spent pretty much the whole day worrying I'd done everything wrong and like I'd been unreasonable and selfish.

Two things you said were really interesting:

1.
''Could it be that because of that, you are now allowing yourself to feel more of what's been missing because you trust him to be able to handle it?''

That's probably true in that sense that perhaps he must have given me more faith in the fact that he might actually want me. Looked at in that light, it seems like a positive thing. Also, yes, I must have picked up from him that he's feeling stronger in himself too.


2.
...''but you aren't really sure of what you're seeing, nor do you trust it, nor is it absolutely everything you want and need.''

That feels very true!


Brokenhearted,

You sound so patient :) I think your husband is a lucky person to be with someone as understanding as you. those questions at the end are good too...

peace,
Beccy
 
I think most men want their significant others to be happy, and want to believe that they've got something to do with the other being happy. It means a lot to a guy to be able to put a smile on a woman's face... and it's not exactly a source of pride to know that you can't.

For this reason, if for no other, I'd believe it in your heart when he says he feels he can't flirt or converse or be affectionate. Why would he say something like that if it was a lie? Who wants to advertise his inability to do things that pretty much all women want?

That's probably the best guess I have about Brokenhearted's question. A guy will get more "into" a relationship as he feels more confident about himself in it, and the more he believes that his gestures will be successful. He'll disconnect or withdraw as he feels less sure of his ability to "perform" -- and I'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking about all the stuff that goes into the relationship.

Between all the doubts and wrong ideas that survivors get about their masculinity, and all the stupid male stereotypes that guys "are jerks" or are inept when it comes to giving women what they want, it's not surprising that a lot of survivors feel that they just "can't" do relationships and never even get engaged or intimate beyond the level that it takes just to keep the relationship alive.


I know that I went through a phase where the nicer my partner was, and the harder he tried, the angrier and more fearful I became. I was just coming to realize the degree to which I had been hurt, and I was not ready to trust his gestures... and I was resentful that after *I* had been treated badly and neglected, now he wanted to be a partner to me and it should be so easy for him-- that I would just accept his love and be patient, tolerant, reciprocating... it didn't seem fair.

Part of me also wanted some reassurance, I think, that I was still worth something to him when I wasn't just meeting his needs-- that I could be messed up and needy too, and still lovable to him.

Honestly I was not very kind or supportive during this time and while he was patient and took it in stride, it was destructive and draining for both of us. I needed to move on quickly and be willing to demand as much from myself as I was from him.
 
Thanks Sar,

I do understand what you're saying here and some of that is helpful to give ME a bit of a wake up call as well.

Having said that, I believe my bf's inability to take the risk of entering into this relationship in an emotional sense is to do with the fear of being hurt. From conversations since my last post, that seems quite clear.

I suppose what i was discovering for myself, was the actual level of distrust I had about his true feelings for me/his intentions for our future and how much of myself I could continue to put into this relationship within that framework. I just didn't feel I was 'part' of anything happening between us, especially the physical stuff. Like I said earlier, I think I have some issues myself concerning (amongst other things) 'giving' myself physically when perhaps that's not ok for me when I have 'nothing' to make me feel truly loved and safe. I realise it's been a fault of my own to not have known this and some of my anger must surely be toward my own parents. I've simply been trying to explain my hostility towards bf, so he isn't confused and so it doesn't continue, cause I knew it was damaging to both of us. I'm not sure I managed to do it in a totally none-dysfunctional way, which was why I started this topic in the first place. But, I think I've become a fairly unstable person within this relationship and I'm trying hard not to be! And unfortunately I seem to have quite a few problems myself, which I'm sure makes this whole thing harder for bf. I have appologised about it, but it's not my fault and I'm also in therapy and working to heal my own shit!

peace,
Beccy
 
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