Intimacy issues?

Intimacy issues?
E

ender99

New Registrant
It's hard to articulate. I'm not sure if I'm scared of women, I've had good female friends, but it always feels somewhat... sterile. I've never had a girlfriend. I've seen girls have interest in me but all I feel like a deer in headlights. I don't know what to do. I hate it; wanting someone but being unable to reach out.

I've tried just being friends at first and then hoping things would "evolve" but I've found if you don't make the first move, it's just perpetually awkward. I don't know how to get past this. What do I do?
 
Hi ender99

Welcome to MS. It is a good place to come and share and maybe figure out why you are the way you are. Many of us have intimacy problems. I know I do have a serious problem when it comes to intimacy I either freeze or have a panic attack, I don't try anymore as it is just to distressing. I don't think I could make the first move either. So you are not alone in this. Good to meet you.
 
Welcome Ender,

I like that name, reminds me of a book I once read.

like Esterio said, most of us here have dealt with those feelings before. Its important to understand them and maybe observe them, if you can. You may not always feel this way. And maybe some time, it won’t always be that person.

Intimacy is delicate and you need to feel comfortable. There are people out there that will make you feel comfortable. You can trust them, but know when your gut feeling doesn’t feel right. That is your intuition telling you to back off or slow down.

There isn’t a race to win. So whatever you do, try to enjoy your experience when and/if it does happen. As a reminder, you have control over those experiences too.

Yours words are safe and protected here. I wish you the best of luck friend.

-Mr. Tiger
 
If the problem is that you are emotionally unable to approach women or contemplate a relationship, I think that's an issue you may want to discuss with your therapist.

If the issue is simply the practicalities of meeting a woman who is looking at your as a prospective romantic interest - as opposed to the dreaded 'friend zone' - dating sites and apps can be remarkably effective since everyone there is looking for a date.

And if you are intimidated by the idea of approaching a woman, the app Bumble is designed so that you cannot, in fact, make the first move. Only women can initiate a conversation on it, so you can be sure that every woman you chat with on it is interested in at least having a cup of coffee to see if there is chemistry.
 
@ender99, Hello.

this sounds very familiar, I could say exactly the same thing. I had female friends, indeed a lot of female friends at university and at other places, yet nothing seemed to evolve. Contemplating making the first move always made me feel like an abuser.

I suspect now some at least of those female friends were probably interested in things going further, I also suspect that it wasn't my lack of ability to make the first move that got in the way, but a combination of my lack of ability to pick up signals, and said friends realising that I had major issues with intimacy, would recoil at touch etc.

This finally culminated in me having a breakdown in 2007 when I was 25, after I tried to take a girl's hand and things went no where, and suddenly bang! there I was, back in my abuse as a teenager, and I realised that no, I was not quite as over what had happened as I thought.


There then followed years of recovery, isolation, attempts to find therapy which mostly failed and all in all a lot of major problems.
then in 2014, something very weird happened, I met a girl on a mailing list discussing books, we started exchanging emails as friends, emails became phone calls, and we eventually met at an international music school in 2015.
the attraction was massive on my part, but I was convinced that she could not possibly be interested, indeed I spent a long while literally praying that I wouldn't have the same experience again. The attraction grew progressively worse as we exchanged more phone calls.

finally, things came out (mostly by me blurting things out like an idiot), and shock horror, she felt the same way!

one love triangle, three very fraught months, and a truly amazing week in November of 15 later, and we're living together, by July of 16, one year to the day after we admitted the way we felt, we're married.

We're still married and intend to continue being married as long as we both live.
she's my best friend, life partner and has given me more than I can possibly explain.

I really wish there was a formula I could give for saying "do this and this and this" for things to work.

I can say, yes, we were very much friends originally, indeed I don't personally agree with the hole "friend zone" business, since most successful couples I know were indeed friends first, but how to get from friends to something else is very difficult, especially because yes, it is still expected for the man to pick up mysterious signals most of the time.

Maybe it was just that I got lucky in meeting someone who'd already been married and divorced and knew what she wanted.

I personally think though, a major factor was the recovery I'd already done. I was still genophobic (afraid of sex), still had major issues with depression, trust and powerlessness, however, I myself perhaps didn't realise how much of a different place I was in in 2015 at 33, to where I'd been in 2007 at 25.


So, my personal advice would be to continue making friends with girls, and just work on abuse recovery, learn yourself, learn what problems you have and be comfortable, perhaps even talk this over with a female friend if needed, or a therapist if you have found a decent one.

I really wish I could give more specific advice, but I can say, if it worked out for me, it can work out for anyone.

Luke.
 
I was very successful seducing women. Problems for me all arrived once I'd gotten them to fall in love with me and after we'd become lovers. It was only with my fourth wife that I touched into what was going on. I was in therapy at the time and I'd encountered for the first time memories of being sexual abused as a boy and we were doing touching exercises recommended for survivors. We were instructed that we wouldn't have intercourse, just touch. She was touching my genitals and the moment my erection arrived I was overwhelmed with terror. I'd never experienced that in my years as Don Juan. It took many years for me to understand seducing women was a way of acting out the sexual abuse but underlying it was terror that made intimacy impossible for me. That was the reason every marriage ended. I would disappear emotionally, then sexually... turning to some form of sexual acting out instead.

This is a long way of saying the challenges you experience with women are doubtless rooted in the sexual trauma that prompted you to visit this website and introduce yourself as you have. As Esterio says, this is a wonderful place to unpack all this material. You can count on the fact that sexual trauma contributes to shame and confusion that make ALL of life a challenge. You are not alone with any of this. We are kindred spirits young man and all committed to a healing journey. I'm glad you found us. Welcome.
 
Experience differs, trauma differs. I hope I am not “justifying“ my own confusion with women. I was seriously neglected by my mother from approx. 1 year old to 5? Or may be 10. When I got rheumatic fever in 7th grade she got scared, and paid attention. Plus, the unknown drugging and raping by a man babysitter AND possibly his wife. My best friend in junior high (middle school) was good looking, so by hanging with him, I got some girl attention. My father was incompetent at teaching about dating and romance, and I lost alot of peer informed lessons in 7th grade being out of school for 4 months, and turning introverted. Then there was a strange quirk in senior year hs, where a beautiful girl had transferred to our school, and somehow fell for me. She introduced me to lsd, and through the intensity of lovemaking tripping i became wildly addicted to her. Almost every relationship since with girls/women has replicated the initial trauma with my mom - 1 year of decent relationship, then bam - turns to shit, I’m rejected, etc. And now, as I’m older, I still crave women in their 30s and 40s, and cope by internet porn. I know I am not alone in this. PLEASE do not give me advice! I am finally having some sucess with early trauma with IFS therapy (internal family systems) after years of depth psychology, emdr, breathwork, buddhism, you name it. But, I add that I may have “prenatal trauma”, (www.birthpsychology.com) as well as definitely epigenetic trauma. I sound like i’m bragging about how much trauma i have i suppose. I’m coping, but now with covid, and women in their 60s and 70s with sagging skin just makes me feel too old. Look, please don’t rag on me...I know some of this atitude is still “teen”, but need I add, that I ended up being bipolar, and had 8 years on antopsychotic drugs that fucked my life up more, and in and out hospitals because of wrong meds, of halfway houses, feeling in a fog? I’m lucky to be able to live, take care of myself, do art, and have a few friends, but like so many, the sexual intimacy part is not ready. Thanks all who listened without trying to fix me. It will work out eventually, if not in this life, well, then later. Hendrix said: see you in the next one, so don’t be late!
 
BlackOut1to5 said:
Experience differs, trauma differs. I hope I am not “justifying“ my own confusion with women. I was seriously neglected by my mother from approx. 1 year old to 5? Or may be 10. When I got rheumatic fever in 7th grade she got scared, and paid attention. Plus, the unknown drugging and raping by a man babysitter AND possibly his wife. My best friend in junior high (middle school) was good looking, so by hanging with him, I got some girl attention. My father was incompetent at teaching about dating and romance, and I lost alot of peer informed lessons in 7th grade being out of school for 4 months, and turning introverted. Then there was a strange quirk in senior year hs, where a beautiful girl had transferred to our school, and somehow fell for me. She introduced me to lsd, and through the intensity of lovemaking tripping i became wildly addicted to her. Almost every relationship since with girls/women has replicated the initial trauma with my mom - 1 year of decent relationship, then bam - turns to shit, I’m rejected, etc. And now, as I’m older, I still crave women in their 30s and 40s, and cope by internet porn. I know I am not alone in this. PLEASE do not give me advice! I am finally having some sucess with early trauma with IFS therapy (internal family systems) after years of depth psychology, emdr, breathwork, buddhism, you name it. But, I add that I may have “prenatal trauma”, (www.birthpsychology.com) as well as definitely epigenetic trauma. I sound like i’m bragging about how much trauma i have i suppose. I’m coping, but now with covid, and women in their 60s and 70s with sagging skin just makes me feel too old. Look, please don’t rag on me...I know some of this atitude is still “teen”, but need I add, that I ended up being bipolar, and had 8 years on antopsychotic drugs that fucked my life up more, and in and out hospitals because of wrong meds, of halfway houses, feeling in a fog? I’m lucky to be able to live, take care of myself, do art, and have a few friends, but like so many, the sexual intimacy part is not ready. Thanks all who listened without trying to fix me. It will work out eventually, if not in this life, well, then later. Hendrix said: see you in the next one, so don’t be late!
Click to expand...
Fuck dude. Im sorry. I recently started realizing i might be manic as well. I don't like the idea of meds either. How did you feel about lsd? Did that aggravate the condition? Did they help? It's a toss up for me, on one hand I feel great and become way more gregarious but on the other hand... I don't know.
 
ender99 said:
Fuck dude. Im sorry. I recently started realizing i might be manic as well. I don't like the idea of meds either. How did you feel about lsd? Did that aggravate the condition? Did they help? It's a toss up for me, on one hand I feel great and become way more gregarious but on the other hand... I don't know.
Click to expand...
the first trip had a great element to it, but that was long ago. After that all my trips on lsd went sour because of my hidden trauma, and lack of good social skills. Last year i investigated medical marijuana, but really it’s too frikken confusing for me with 35 different flowers, pills, vapes, and THC no work for me. The real deal is hard work facing what is hidden inside me. I am way too psychosensitive for mind alterers now. Art helps, art and poetry and music alter my mind without cumulative side effects.
 
Off psych meds too, I took them religiously for a long time until I developed serious health problems. Its been weird to say the least. Sounds like you're working it out yourself, i dont like slogans but playing the record, 8-track, tape, cd, minidisc?, mp3, aiff, or whatever till the end helps me. yeah I guess its apparent Im either just weird or off meds maybe both I suppose. Not making fun, light, or plight- because in a lot of ways its mine too.
 
uvbnwrnd said:
Off psych meds too, I took them religiously for a long time until I developed serious health problems. Its been weird to say the least. Sounds like you're working it out yourself, i dont like slogans but playing the record, 8-track, tape, cd, minidisc?, mp3, aiff, or whatever till the end helps me. yeah I guess its apparent Im either just weird or off meds maybe both I suppose. Not making fun, light, or plight- because in a lot of ways its mine too.
Click to expand...
I am sometimes quite jealous of people who can smoke weed with no problem, or the people who can do ahayhuasca or peyote. But I have paved, charted a substantial journey with my subconscious, unconscious, traumatized child, through art, and poetry and music. And since the other doesn’t work I conclude that the art, poetry and music are MY dharma. Law 1: Do no harm. After that, it’s individual choice. But don’t believe me, that’s just how I see it.
 
Why shouldn't I believe you? Maybe I believe the same thing. Pretty cool stuff to have choices. I choose to help, or at least try. If I didn't I'm sorry.
 
Love to hear your story. I know you are relatively new here, but I am newer. Did you tell your story anywhere on the forums, directly? Thanks.
 
BlackOut1to5 said:
Cut me some slack. Ok, you win, it’s a weird word. You win. Is that what you wanted?
Click to expand...

You're being defensive and now you're making it seem as though I'm the one in the wrong for you trying to pry about MY abuse. I have a right to be on guard, you don't.

I'm done with this conversation.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top