intimacy / issues / relationships / thinking

[conor]

I am kind of in a relationship at the moment and everything seems to be going well (one of my talents, I can pull the wool over anyones eyes, better than Michael Jackson and co.). I am not sure how my performance in the relationship is though. Performance in ALL aspects I mean. It is my first relationship and I am doing my very best to be a good partner?. I have intimacy issues but have managed so far to just go with the flow and pretend like I'm normal about it. I am a very cautious person. I over think everything, if I do/say something, I feel hes gonna think, why did he do/say that. I dont think that makes sense but what I mean is. I feel I cant initiate anything intimate, be it a touch on the arm or a kiss so god forbid anything further. I think that when he initiates it then IT is ok! But if I do then Im dirty cos I want something! I really dont like that I feel like this and I get nervous and anxious when in the situation where there shud be some sort of physical contact. He is great I have to say. Everything about him is so natural and cool. Im learning in some ways from him. But he doesnt know about my SA. Why would I tell him? My first thought is (and I know it shouldnt but it is) that if he knew then hed run for his life. I feel he will think there is something wrong with me and hed rather a normal boyfriend. So many reasons to not say anything, so for now Im staying quiet. We are seeing each other for over two months now but its nothing serious. Although I would love it to be.

Its funny, just before Christmas (before I came out) I was saying how I would never be interested in a relationship with a guy. That all I thought about was the sex. How that coin has flipped is beyond me!!!!!!

Just thinking out loud really.

Conor

 

[Rustam]

Hi Conor,

Glad to hear that you are in a relationship, much better than just sex, how the coin has flipped indeed, sounds good. Its your first so its a new experience and bound to have some difficulties even without the sa. He probably wouldnt run if he knew what happened to you but that doesnt mean you need to tell him. If he brings up or seems to notice that you dont initiate anything you can assure him that its about you and not about how you feel about him without telling him why this is a difficulty for you. It is never dirty to express how we feel or to want to be physically intimate with a partner but I understand the feeling all too well.

Good to hear from you and good luck with your relationship.

Peter.