Intimacy Issue

[Partner83]

Greetings to all. My partner & I dated for a week before he initially broke up with me due to anxiety. We ended up living together within a few months of that, so we consider ourselves as having been together for 5 years. For 3 of those years, we only hugged. My partner has never been to therapy. I was in a partner support group for over a year, and my partner & I focused entirely on our emotional intimacy. Sex was off the table entirely - I’d accepted at that time that it was not ever going to be an option. After 3 years, and after support group, I realized that I had a need for there to be a possibility - a hope. I went directly to him and asked whether he would be willing to have physical intimacy as a goal. No timeline. He took time to think about what he personally might want. I was prepared to hear, “No.”. He decided yes, that he wanted it to happen, he did want to share a hope that it would someday be possible. So it’s been our mutual goal.

Last year, after we bought our first home together, my partner decided he was ready to try, but I felt unready. I felt insecure about being with him by tthat point, and said I would make a goal to be able to try within 6 months. A few months ago, I had memories resurface of my own early childhood sexual abuse experience. I’d never known about it.

My partner recently said that he feels trying in the near future could really help him, but he doesn’t want to pressure me at all. I asked for his truth. I thought about it and decided that we could take a trip and I would try. I felt really good about it, and told him my intention. His response stunned me. He became anxious all over again. It hit me like a ton of bricks - he had 6 months to work up his feeling of “wanting” because it was safe - I didn’t want it from him. Now that I’m ready, he’s worried again. Which worsens my already existing insecurity about the whole thing. Since I told him my intention and asked for the support I needed, he isn’t getting aroused when he kisses me anymore, and he doesn’t wake up aroused as usual. This morning he accidentally called me Mom when we spoke about it. He is worried about all of this. And I’m afraid it will put me into anxiety too, if we try. That would be equally bad for me.

We are still planning on taking the trip later this month. I wish I knew a way for us to make this better - to make it different than any other experience we’ve ever had. I know that there are programs and ideas out there about how to begin with sex when you’re dealing with CSA. How do we best maintain our emotional connection? If anyone has been there and has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[Ceremony]

Welcome Partner83, I'm grateful for you honesty in putting this to the community for consideration. I wonder of the responses too, and I know for sure there are those who know this situation. In time, some more discussion is likely, but that's not for me to know?

In my own situation, I can be of little help, because my partner isn't caring about my trauma, but expects me to turn a switch and be done with it.

That noted, I won't put up with that forever, and I have plans, I'm trying to avoid making this about me; I want to note that you are an encouragement to any CSA survivor at some level. Having a patient partner is vital according to what I have read from those around here. There is enough threads just like this one you started, that surely someone can relate.

I have discovered in therapy, that at some point I will definitely require some level of sex therapy, and I think EMDR and Sensorimotor therapies have worked toward some of the needs I've had. I think it could be accomplished with a well trained trauma therapist and especially one who has trained in childhood sexual assaults and abuse. I think it could help to get right into that if you've that available in your area. I called RAINN and they helped me start in my area. Maybe they could do the same for you? To me, it's about finding the right fit for what's going on.

Blessings to you.

 

[dark empathy]

Hi Partner 83. This sounds familiar, both your situation and your partners.

I was genophobic myself for most of my life, that is profoundly afraid of anything to do with sex, including even talking about it.
For me the fear was partly about myself and going through what I'd been through as a teenager, partly about what i might do to someone else since I couldn't rid myself of the feeling that I was disgusting, that any feelings of attraction I had towards a woman would be harmful to her.
I felt as if my hands wer literally blades, that even if I brushed against a girl in a crowd or hugged a female friend hurt her. I used to have recurrent nightmares of being in court on charges of sexual assault.

Despite a palpable level of attraction, with the wonderful lady who is now my wife this fear of hurting her was actually worse, I even had to ask her to wear a jacket over a halter top in the hight of summer so I could give her a hug as I wasn't comfortable touching her bare shoulders.

What actually changed this was the realization for me that not only did she wantt! physical intimacy from me, but also that far from my fear that I would hurt her, I could actually give her a huge amount of pleasure.
I had always assumed up until that point that in any sexual relation one party always got pleasure directly at the expense, or at least only with the participation of the other. Finding I was wrong was what mainly did for my genophobia, realizing I could give such pleasure to the person I love most.
Being wanted, being loved and making it an emotional experience is seriously important, especially I might say in a climate in male libido is increasingly seen as something which is only ever evil.

Another thing which helped hugely was being able to discuss things rationally, my lady and I even read through Alex Comfrot's the joy of sex together. Being able to ask questions and not be ridiculed, and also discuss my abuse and what not! to do helped a lot.

I wouldn't say a therapist is necessary, we can't have one in the uk, but it is necessary to be careful. doubly so if your both sa survivors.

My lady and I took things slowly, starting with caresses and affection while clothed, moving on to holding hands over successive days, then shedding more items of clothing to the point we were both topless.

She also knew clearly what were and were not triggers for me, so things that would've instantly made the experience uncomfortable such as crude humour, grabbing etc were absolutely out.

I'd personally not recommend trying a specific trip or saying "we're going to definitely do it at this time"

Just establish that your both interested in trying, and then gradually increase the level physical contact and affection and discussing what is and isn't okay, after all the last thing either of you would want to happen is to go through it, but lose the emotional contact and make it just a physical performance.

My lady once said that for us, coitus occurrs occasionally (sometimes relatively often, sometimes not), but actual making love was constant, and indeed I can't deny that for me, simply holding my wife, sleeping beside her holding hands, stroking her hair, lying my head on her lap etc is almost as important as actually achieving orgasm, and its that sort of gentle physical intimacy which will be as much of a repudiation of abuse as the basic act itself.

Hope some of this is helpful.

It is! possible to get over this though I wont' deny it's difficult.

Luke.

 

[Sterling]

Thanks to all the women who have the patience to not have
sex w/ your partners.
I know I couldn't have sex now...more needing to get my
truth out.
But I just want to tell you, your partners probably
(as a survivor , I think anyway) appreciate you standing by
them and supporting them when you need to get close and want love making.
Thanks.
James

 

[KMCINVA]

Partner83

You are asking and trying to figure out how you fit in the picture. Intimacy and sex can be two different events. Intimacy requires both to put themselves out there to each other, sex can be recreational or a coping mechanism. You are showing him you care, you are extending yourself, he has responded that it is possible. A small step but a step in the right direction. With support, therapy/support groups he will be able to open up.

I was in a situation, where only now do I understand, I felt undervalued, abused and abandoned and did not feel safe. Why many factors and CSA is one part of it but the other side is ignored and pretended it did not happen. I found someone who helped me to see me for me, to accept the abuse and damage (just like you are doing), we and especially she opened up and the sense of being safe and without fear came into my life. It is a process but today I am able to enjoy intimacy of many levels. The fear is not there of being abandoned or mocked or having our private lives parading in front of children. In fairness, I have been healing and accepting life and learning my past was full of the impacts of abuse from syncope, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts, dissociation and allowing people to abuse me. It has taken time and I am sure with your support your partner will get there.

I can imagine from your side it is frustrating and I do hope you have support around you. If you feel insecure he will feel your insecurity and could push him to retreat. Talk with each other, hold each other, give a smile, a hug and do not ask questions over and over like do you love me, when will it happen etc. Sometimes slowly making the physical emotional connection will help. Remember the CSA is physical as well as emotional. Remember the physical and body memories can send a survivor into a flashback, dissociative state, and other effects of PTSD.

I am not sure if this helps and I do hope your partner finds the intimacy he deserves and you deserve.

Kevin

 

[sulatinna]

Over time, everything will form

 

[i-m-Bri]

Partner83,

I've been with my husband for over 3 decades. In the first half, we tried maybe 10 times. I hated every moment and couldn't hide it. I went into deep celibacy after that. We have an open relationship, so he can discreetly take care of his needs.

I think what I want to tell you is that there is no right relationship. No right way to do the relationship. Our companionship is worth more to me then anything. Have you thought about couples therapy?