Interesting revelation (triggers?)

Interesting revelation (triggers?)
K

Koveri

Registrant
Tuesday I had a most interesting revelation that shed some light on the cutting-myself issues as well as the causes behind some risky behaviours. I went to the gym on Monday and after my workout I went to the sauna alone. A complete stranger came in after about 10 minutes. He took off his towel and sat down next to me ... and he was completely hard and started to jo. I don't know if his gaydar was working or what. Why did he do this? But I was almost immediately disembodied; and began looking at myself from a distance; like in a dream. Whatever he asked me to do, I did it. No matter what he asked. No protest, no complaint, not a word. Complete obedience and submission. If he had given me a gun and said, 'shoot yourself' I probably would have. As soon as he got everything he wanted from me he left. I took my shower and left as well, but went right home and started cutting myself. I wondering now if the reason for cutting is not to punish myself (as I got absolutley zero out of the encounter ( as is usual)), but maybe I just want to regain control over my pain. In the sauna, as soon as this guy exposed himself, I was brought back to the little boy who had to do everything the older one said (even though this guy was probably 20 years younger than me). I felt totally helpless like one's inability to do what one wants in a dream. Now I have to get HIV tested in another 90 days and that is such a hassle.

I guess my question is if the 'control' hypothesis seems legitimate. And if it has merit, how can I gain control in sauna-like situations before the risky behaviour? How do I re-embody myself? It's not like I haven't been with guys in intended sexual situations, but those were well controlled and concentual. It was the shock of unexpected exposure that I think caused the transe-like state. Can anyone relate?

Koveri
 
Russ,

Not in a sauna per se. All my sauna experience has been in Finland where it is DEEPLY a part of the culture and no one would DREAM of using it for a sexual encounter. This was my first time in a US sauna. Was that normal US sauna behaviour? However, I have been in other circumstances where I'm caught totally off guard and become putty. Just last week I was standing at a gay bar and some guy just walked up behind me and stuck his hands down the front of my pants and I just froze, speechless. After a couple of minute of him doing his thing (and seeing that I wasn't responding) someone else came around and told him to leave me alone. It took about 3 bourbons before I could talk.

Koveri (which is Finnish for 'friend')
 
Hello, my friend.

What you've described is certainly not "normal" sauna behavior in the US (nor anywhere for that matter). However, it apparently does happen in your sauna, and perhaps others. The sexual harassment (molestation?) you experienced in the gay bar last week is also not "normal". In fact, it is down right criminal.

I'm not sure what type of gay bars or gym you go to exactly, but I will suggest that you reconsider ever going back to them. At least, don't go back to those places alone. Remember, there is safety in numbers, so take alone a friend or two!

With respect to the sexual encounter you described in the sauna, it may prove helpful to think about your own role in that experience. He certainly made the first move (albeit a very sleazy move), but you allowed yourself to make some moves too, even if submissive ones. If you are unable to stop that sort of thing from happening, and if it becomes a pattern, then maybe it is something you want to happen -- at least on some level. And if it turns out to be something a part of you wants, then you may have some degree of control over it. I believe that control exists for all of us most of the time, even if we do not yet realize it.

Take care,
Russ
 
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