Intentionally deceiving loved ones

Intentionally deceiving loved ones
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
This is about deception...
Please read my latest post under "WHEW" - have some questions!

Don't know if you all even have an insight on why this might be this way w/ my husband but it's worth a try to see. Do abused ever try to keep everyone in the dark, make everyone think all's fine w/ them, when secretly they're lonely and miserable? Why would they do this, if you have ANY clue it would be so helpful to me. Thanks a lot.
 
Brokenhearted,

Do abused ever try to keep everyone in the dark, make everyone think all's fine w/ them, when secretly they're lonely and miserable?
Click to expand...
This is the story for the majority of the guys here; in most cases keeping up the charade goes on for years. We could have a shout-out here: my bid is 37 years!

Covering all the reasons would take a book but here it is in a nutshell. The survivor may be denying to himself that anything is wrong; he desperately wants things to be okay, and he thinks that if he pretends like this he will just get over it. He may fear that if he discloses he will not be believed - just as the abuser told him when he was a boy. He may fear that he will be found unmanly, undesirable as a person, or even loathsome and disgusting. He may fear the prejudice of the uninformed public, who sometimes ask if survivors harm kids themselves and wonder if abuse has turned them gay. He may fear that he will be abandoned by those he needs most.

Through all of this, you may notice, is the theme of distrust. His ability to trust - himself as well as others - was destroyed a long time ago, and rebuilding it alone and in secret is just NOT going to happen. Quite often the survivor discloses only under dire and extreme circumstances, so great is his distrust of himself and his place in the world.

Much love,
Larry
 
God, I feel like I know my husband for the first time. Brilliant insight. Thanks.
 
Hi again Brokenhearted,

I thought my bf was fine/strong/together/ok for our whole relationship. He did a good job of convincing me of that. But, shortly before everything went pair-shaped 4 months ago, when I began to get suspicious about his behaviour, I snooped around/read some of his notes and realised how desperately sad/confused they sounded. I was immediately worried for him and couldn't really understand how he was so unhappy in our life.

Anyhow, I'm coming to realise it's not really got anything to do with 'us', although quite often it feels the opposite.

my heart goes out to you both,

peace,
Beccy
 
Good morning, Beccy,
Well, it is morning here anyway. :-0 I NEVER thought I'd ever understand my husband. But I'm so thankful for having this website to help me. Even if all else fails in the long run and we part, at least I'll have answers as to why he was so confusing to me. At least maybe he'll learn to live better and happier, with or without me.

It's so hard to just enjoy myself, see myself as apart from his problems. After all, his problems affect US, my marriage, my home. Apart from him and the effects he's burdened with, I am probably a happy person with much to be thankful for. It's hard to see that right now, is all.

So sad that they couldn't have opened up to us long ago so that we wouldn't have to look back and see so much of our life together was a charade. Then again I hadn't read anything about it, was clueless... So sad that abuse ravages a person so much. I remember a quote from long ago for some reason: "The greatest pain is that which we can tell no one."

I guess it's not far-fetched to think that maybe WE as their partners need therapy too, just to help US deal.

I read someone's post about how he repairs computers and his parents want him to repair on the side for a friend, when he'd rather enjoy his day off. He has a hard time saying no to anyone. Wow, that paints a pic. of my hus. He works like crazy to please others, at WORK, you wouldn't believe the lengths he goes for them. But never would he take a night off to take me out or just take some time for himself. We never have had dates for just us for that reason, pretty much our entire marriage. However, if people he works for ask him to join them for a social occasion outside of work, he leaps to please and instantly is there for them. He will not turn them down.

I swear, I am learning new things about my husband every single day from this site. Just when I thought I couldn't learn anything more, something else comes up and it's amazing to me. Things that never made any sense to me, now DO.

I know in my heart that my hus. and I have an incredible bond/love. It's clouded up by the effects of his abuse so sometimes I doubt it's even there. But I know it is. I just hope HE can know that. It's so hard and I know you know what I'm talking about. Maybe God put us with them because He knew we'd have the stamina (somehow) to get through this, maybe we're the ones to help them get well, maybe God's timing is not our timing, I remember the verse, "Lean not on your own understanding." Not trying to be overly spiritual but I feel this way. I just hope we don't lose OURSELVES in the process of helping THEM. Surely that wouldn't be the best plan. The best plan would be for God to put these hurting men w/ women who could show them the way to true love...beginning with trust. I think I'm just rambling now... Sigh.... You're both in my thoughts and prayers as well.
 
This exact situation came up for us this past Saturday night. We were watching TV; I looked over at by b/f and saw this awful, pained look on his face. I reached over to him and asked what was wrong - his instant reaction was "nothing, I'm fine." I got upset 'cause I knew that wasn't true, but I swallowed it and just said that's a lie. He looked at me kind of angry and then told me he just remembered something, but it was nothing, "I'm fine, what do you want me to do?" I told him that all I wanted was an acknowledgement that something is going on. Just say, Trish, it's there, but there's nothing you can do. Hold my hand if you want, walk away if you have to, but don't tell me everything is fine and make me think I'm crazy when I'm not.

Well he repeated exactly what I told him I'd like to hear, with no feeling whatsoever. He won't acknowledge the pain to himself, so how the hell can he acknowledge it to me? I just sat there after this happened 'cause there was nothing else I could do or say. So sad.

Trish
 
A lot of it is the way we were raised. My therapist told me he had a client who had been terribly abused, but he had no symptems. The guy was coming in for something totally unrelated, and his troubles really were minor. The difference was that his parents did not ignore the problem. They found out about the abuse, they took the kid to get help, they loved him, and everything was out in the open.

Not so in my family or most of the others' here. To this day I cannot tell if my mother is being honest with me. Even my wife finds it incredibly weird that of all the people in the world, the person who lies to us the most is my mother. Everything is a secret. If she has a piece of candy, she will practically wear her purse over her head while she eats it so nobody will know she has candy. It's a total realm of lies and secrets, hypocracy and neediness. In a house like that, if I feel bad or I'm depressed or angry or even if my leg has gangrene, I wasn't supposed to show it. My job was to care for the parents--not BE cared for by the parents.

My wife was abused, too. Both of us have a terribly time accepting anything from anyone. If somebody does something wonderful for me, I feel like I owe them and can never repay. It has taken me many years of talk therapy and almost two years in this group to get to where I will talk about a negative feeling to a real human being or even ask (gasp) for help.

Abuse isn't an event. It's a toxic family lifestyle that teaches us to hide everything evil that's ever been done to us and anything that might leak my true person out. It's a way of life that involves enough secrecy that abuse can happen and never be treated. Like getting hit by a car and all your loved ones acting like nothing happened and even asking you to try not to limp in front of friends.

I wish every survivor husband out there had somebody like you in his corner. My wife has helped me so much just by being here and never giving up. I hope you won't give up. However, it's a long, bumpy ride, and there is no finish line.
 
"My job was to care for the parents--not BE cared for by the parents."

This phrase really hits home with me. I grew up in a family where this was the rule. The thing is, I think that my husband and I were recreating this same environment in our own home unwittingly. By not REALLY tending to the reality of our situation, our children at ages three and five have learned in their own way to "care" for us. I think what I see is that at that young age they always draw attention to themselves (invariably by misbehaving or fighting with one another or throwing tantrums) to divert the family energy away from the tension between Mom and Dad. This is not to say that we have not had many happy times; we have. But the "balance" in our family is just off. I know it. And I don't want my children to grow up trying to figure out how to correct the imbalance. That's the parents' job.

Cecilia
 
Talking about being decitful, I think the problems with my husband are somewhat different.
He doesn't like to disclose his feelings, but doesn't lie about it them either.

What he DOES lie about is everything else... ok, well not everything really...but alot of stuff.
For instance, he has told some tall tales about his past, that any rational person would highly question. He has sensationalized his past, and made up alot of events. However, if I question ANY of it, he gets very pissed off and defensive. Well, duh, he got caught...
He also has a tendency to lie about little things that don't matter. For instance: whether or not he locked the front door; if he drank all the pop left in the frig; getting a call from his mom; checking on the cats... we're talking about little everyday things that he should have no reason to lie about.
The conclusion that I have come to is that these lies are a protective mechanism that he developed to keep from being abused. His stepfather would beat him for anything, so it doesn't surprise me that he is trying to give me the "right" answer instead of the truth.
I have spent the entire 5 years of relationship learning him - and I can say that I am pretty successful at determining when he is lying. However, I don't always say anything or make mention....it just seems best to let it go because neither of us need the stress of a fight.
This is certainly an issue that he must work on to correct, and has taken me awhile to figure out that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his past.
 
Manda,

I have a close friend who is dating someone like this... it goes beyond tall tales with him, it's more like stuff a little kid would say, "I live in a castle" sort of stuff. I honestly find it exhausting to be around him.

She does what you do and tries to pay as little attention to it as possible, figuring that she doesn't want to reward the behavior and as he becomes more comfortable with himself it will stop. As her friend, I see what a drain it is on her to be in a relationship that is missing trust and honesty on such a basic level, and it makes me sad for her.

And yes, this guy has some terrible and toxic family dynamics, and no, it has nothing to do with my friend.
 
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