Insomnia

Insomnia
S

SamL

New Registrant
Hello. First post-new member. I was wondering about some ways to cope with the emotional stress that I've been facing. It's been six years already, but I'm still too afraid to tell anyone about it and I'm almost too afraid to actually post this. I haven't been to a therapist for it. I haven't cried in years now, and it seems like I'm closing up and becoming more introvert and cold towards others. I'm not artistic, so any time I try to write or draw something, I end up more frustrated than before.
Other than that, I have a friend, who has graduated with me this year, whom I've never told. I don't really understand the emotions that I have for him, but I think somewhere inside of me, I might love him. A few weeks ago, he confessed his feeling of love toward me, but I never gave him a response. I think that I would like to become 'more than friends', but I'm still so confused. I don't know if he'll think less of me if I do tell him of the incident.
Also, I'm having trouble sleeping because every time my mind isn't focused on something else, bad memories haunt me, and even if I can't remember them that well, the feeling is still there. I can't hadle it, so for the last couple of years, I've been going to sleep at a lot later times. It has really interfered with school, and now that I'm going to college, I don't want it to be a problem. But I really don't want to tell anyone about it.
I guess going through that experience has made me a little neurotic, but I don't know how to vent.

Thanks,
Sam
 
Sam, I didnt have another male friend tell me he liked me more than just friends, but aside from that I can see your life heading towards a similar track to mine.

I recall at 16 I was also shutting down emotionally (actually I think I mastered that much younger) but as my other friends were getting into life I felt like an alien.

I so much know now that my abuse was affecting me more than I ever realised although it was stuffed down deep inside my memories and didnt surface until I was around 20. That was cave in time for my life.

Telling others about your abuse is a huge thing and I think you need to really feel ready to do that. Its a separate thing to telling somebody how you feel about them.

If you can see a therapist or speak to a college or school counsellor I would encourage you to do that.
 
If he seems "interested" in you, you probably do owe him some sort of a response, even if it's only "thank you" or "no, thanks."
If you wish to explore your feelings towards your friend, then I'd suggest you proceed slowly AND that you offer some truthful information about your past to explain "where you're coming from." I don't mean that a full data dump is required; maybe just a short sentence or two.
But fairness to him, and to yourself, requires honesty. You don't have to rush into the water, but you do need to get your feet wet at least a little bit, I think.
And don't let yourself be rushed into saying, feeling or doing anything that you don't feel ready for.
Much love, etc.,
 
Sam,

First of all, welcome to the site. If you haven't seen much of it yet, look around and get used to what's going on. Find your own pace and make use of Male Survivor in whatever way you think will help you. Never be afraid to say how you feel or ask for help. Believe me, you will find support and understanding here.

On "closing down", that's something many of us have done in order to cope. Things get to be just too much, so we shut down the shop. But that can't work indefinitely, and your sleeping problems show how abuse issues simply find another way to express themselves. It's much better to face things as soon as we can. Your post is already a step in the right direction.

On your feelings for your friend, well, if you are gay that's fine. But if you feel uncomfortable it might be a good idea to wait, regardless of your sexuality. You could share how you feel about him, but also say that you have a lot of things on your mind that you have to figure out and you aren't ready for sex yet. You have nothing to prove and there's no reason to rush bro.

Mainly, I hope you will get into therapy. Talk about this here over the summer and see what you think. It really is the way to go if you have the chance, perhaps once you get to college?

I know, I know. And yes, it's scary as hell the first time you walk in that door. But you know what? A counselor isn't going to ask you traumatic questions about abuse right off the bat, and in some cases it doesn't come up for a long time, until you are ready to talk about it. And seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are fucked up. It means that abuse of an innocent defenseless kid is fucked up and will harm him in a lot of ways.

Welcome again, and I wish you all the best.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you all so much. I'll try to take this information about going to a therapist, but I think it's going to take a lot of courage and encouragement.
So, I'm planning on telling my brother, since I've decided to pick the most open-minded and closest person to me to tell. I don't think he'll stop loving me as much as he used to, and maybe it will bring us closer. I can only hope that it doesn't draw us apart. He's the only person out of my family I have left.
 
Sam,

No one here will tell you the decision to see a therapist is easy. I am more than triple your age and I was in tears and scared to death my first time. But I quickly discovered I had nothing to be afraid of.

Recovery from abuse is often like that. We are so frightened of doing what is needed to get our lives back, and yet that's our most important goal. Just remember this: the past cannot hurt you, and the feelings you have about yourself from the past (shame, guilt, worthlessness, etc.) are so often wrong and misguided.

If you feel you can tell your brother and gain his support, so much the better. Those are other things survivors find it difficult to learn. We often find it difficult to talk about what happened, but in fact that is one of the most important things we can do. And we often find it difficult to ask for what we need.

Much love,
Larry
 
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