Insecurities Kicking Up

[teimosa]

OK, so my boyfriend and I speak every night (3,000 mile distance between us). Last night he said that he would call me (he did, but I didn't get to the phone in time) I called hum right back and he didn't answer the phone for the rest of the night. The next day, he said that he has waited by the phone all night waiting for me to call until he fell asleep. (But I called all night....) Anyway, tonight I told him that I would call him at 9:30 my time, which I did, I was in the supermarket at the time, and really couldn't focus on the conversation . I asked him if it would be ok to call him back in 15 mintes, which I did, again, no answer. I have my won set of trust an abandonment issues, I don't want to overreact, but for this to happen two nights in a row is a bit much for me to take. He has told me that he is committed to me and I want to believe that, but each time I call and get his ansering machine my doubts begin to scream. Now, I know that he is going to tell me that he was home all night. I really have no choice but to trust him, but I just can't imagine the phone malfunctioning that many times and I certainly can not imagine that he would sit and watch the phone ring, knowing that I am calling him only to not answer the phone. I really don't know what to think. I just left my last message. I told him that I can't take the disappointment of listening to his machine anymore, so I am not calling him anymore tonight. I told him that I loved him and would try to call him on the job tomorrow (which is almost impossible in and of itself) and that I was very disappointed that he didn't pick up (you are probably wondering wht he just can't call me bakc...he has no long distance carrier and can't make long distance calls from home.)

A part of my is angry becuase I feel like a sucker. I wonder if he just wants to make sure that I haven't made any plans with anyone else and then leaves me alone so that I won't have anyone. He doesn't like me having friends (although I have no intention of giving them up...they help to keep me grounded) I just don't know...I know that I shouldn't pick up the phone again, but something keeps goading at me....just try one more time...but the other side of me doesn't want to face the fact that he will probably not answer the phone. Would he do this on purpose? I didn't ask that question of myself yesterday, but today I have to wonder...what kind of pattern is this? How should I handle this?

I think the thing that scares me is that be told me that when he first moved out to FL. he would engage in some pretty self destructive behavior when he was upset. I guess I am just afriad that he got upset when I wasn't able to talk to him then, got up and left the house only to engage in his damaging behavior. I have absolutely no evidence of this, but the thought keeps gnawing away at me. I don't want to ask him becuase I am afraid that he will think that I am judging him or throwing something in his face. I am going out there in 2 days...and I am feeling edgy...

How can I handle this...I don't want to be upset wiht him, but I am.

 

[Mike Church]

Teimosa:

Your post indicates that you have a great deal of love for this guy and you are terrified that he is going to indulge in destructive behavior. He probably has man issues to deal with. Has he shared them with you.

If I were you I think that I would do everything in my power to contact him and tell him how you feel directly and that you are constantly worried about his well being when you are not with him.

I have found in 36 years of marriage that an honest expression of feelings and concerns is by far the best.

Now your profile states that you are an educator and a martial arts teacher. I do not know whether you are male or female but believe me this has no bearing on your dilema. I only mention this because My telling you I have been married for 35 years my colour your perception of what I am trying to say. We all belong to the human family and our cares,wants and needs are all the same.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

 

[teimosa]

Well, to follow up on last night, I tried really hard to quiet those stupid voices that like to jump inot my head whenever I feel insecure or threatened. I did some self-help reading and a friend of mine stopped over to my house to say hello. I started to fell so much better. He called me (then I felt great...so it turns out there evidently there are some issues with his phone line). I told him about my experience and how I dealt with it. I was really proud of myself. I am flying out to see him in two days...I thought that everything was going to go very well in our conversation, particularly since I had dealt with the anger and fear that was looming in my mind.

WRONG!!! Evidently he had some issues that he had not resolved which created a fight. I will be staying with him for a week. During this week he will be working (he is not on vacation, I am) I will be in the house all day while he is at work. I contacted a martial arts academy in his area that practices that same style that I do. I told him not to worry about me while he was at work because I had found a martial arts school to train with. He became extremely agitated and accused me of only coming down there to do "my thing" and that if I didn't have time to spend with him in between all my other running around, perhaps I should just not even bother to try to spend any time with him (ming you I booked this flight 2 months ago, I found the martial arts school yesterday). I was really upset about that and particularly took exception to this becuase I had just given him a detailed account of how my insecurities tried to take over, but I worked really hard to reel them in. The argument escalated, de-escalated and escalated again. This pattern happened throughout the evening as the issues changed, but the feelings were still the same. I just don't get it. I don't feel like anything I do, short of completely isolaing myself from the world is insufficient for him to trust me.