Inrtoduction
Hey guys, new here and wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. Friends call me Dawg, and I play rugby, hence the nic. I am an adult survivor of numerous assaults. The reason I'm here now looking for others is because of some stuff that has come up with my partner. I am 38 my partner a decade younger. I've been HIV positive for about 10 years and apart form fatigue and headaches I'm OK.
My partner and I started having some serious arguments about a month ago. We had a couple that are good friends break up and this rocked our foundation. One of the couple came to live with us causing us to get a bigger place (stress) and placing me in an awkward place with the other guy (more stress). Meanwhile I was going through a bad depression, trying to adjust to new meds for that and manage a full time school schedule. I wanted to take a time out from our relationship and the move seemed like an ideal time to do it, I really needed my own space. Well I ended up thinking more and more about ending my life, so I checked into the local psych hospital for a little evaluation and chat . A few hours later I left convinced that I was really not that bad.
In the mean time came the move, and my partner telling me he wanted me to move out, permanently and calling me just about every name in the book. I remained quiet knowing that he would regret this and my words wouldn't make thing better.
He has a had a series of lovers that have cheated on him left and right, he assumed that it was only a matter of time that I would as well so he confessed to monitoring my web use and email (network engineer). To me this was a huge violation of trust, and I told him so. He apologized and we have been trying to make things work since.
Now the CSA part. I can have sex with anyone, except when there is love involved then I need trust. I have forgiven him his misdeeds, and we are communicating but he is having a problem with being patient around sex. Honestly for me I have no sex drive now, and he is making a good deal of comments about wanting life to be back to normal. I know that will take time, especially for me. He is not a stranger to my issues, has done some reading, but I am trying to understand the issues in my own life about trust, rape and intimacy.
I am seeing a therapist, good guy but think I need another one.
Right now I am feeling very toxic and a lot of anger. I read once that 60% of gay men who were abused as children become HIV positive through risky sexual behavior. For whatever reason this is made me so f****in mad that not only were my parents not there to protect me but afterwards none of the shrinks I saw mentioned this to me. I am a big boy and accept the consequences of my actions. Just needed to vent to some folks that understand and maybe get some advice on the relationship thing.
Everyone I have trusted has hurt me in some way, and I feel like I would be better off alone. He wants some idea of time involved in when things will be "normal' again and I just don't know. We are looking for a therapist together to work on these issues. I honesty wish he would just go to a sex club, I don't care I know where his heart is and it is just going to take me time to trust again.
Thanks and be well,
Dawg
My partner and I started having some serious arguments about a month ago. We had a couple that are good friends break up and this rocked our foundation. One of the couple came to live with us causing us to get a bigger place (stress) and placing me in an awkward place with the other guy (more stress). Meanwhile I was going through a bad depression, trying to adjust to new meds for that and manage a full time school schedule. I wanted to take a time out from our relationship and the move seemed like an ideal time to do it, I really needed my own space. Well I ended up thinking more and more about ending my life, so I checked into the local psych hospital for a little evaluation and chat . A few hours later I left convinced that I was really not that bad.
In the mean time came the move, and my partner telling me he wanted me to move out, permanently and calling me just about every name in the book. I remained quiet knowing that he would regret this and my words wouldn't make thing better.
He has a had a series of lovers that have cheated on him left and right, he assumed that it was only a matter of time that I would as well so he confessed to monitoring my web use and email (network engineer). To me this was a huge violation of trust, and I told him so. He apologized and we have been trying to make things work since.
Now the CSA part. I can have sex with anyone, except when there is love involved then I need trust. I have forgiven him his misdeeds, and we are communicating but he is having a problem with being patient around sex. Honestly for me I have no sex drive now, and he is making a good deal of comments about wanting life to be back to normal. I know that will take time, especially for me. He is not a stranger to my issues, has done some reading, but I am trying to understand the issues in my own life about trust, rape and intimacy.
I am seeing a therapist, good guy but think I need another one.
Right now I am feeling very toxic and a lot of anger. I read once that 60% of gay men who were abused as children become HIV positive through risky sexual behavior. For whatever reason this is made me so f****in mad that not only were my parents not there to protect me but afterwards none of the shrinks I saw mentioned this to me. I am a big boy and accept the consequences of my actions. Just needed to vent to some folks that understand and maybe get some advice on the relationship thing.
Everyone I have trusted has hurt me in some way, and I feel like I would be better off alone. He wants some idea of time involved in when things will be "normal' again and I just don't know. We are looking for a therapist together to work on these issues. I honesty wish he would just go to a sex club, I don't care I know where his heart is and it is just going to take me time to trust again.
Thanks and be well,
Dawg