Innocent, confused, and scared
Kenneth Henderson
Registrant
After the boy raped me that Friday in April, 1981 I became scared.
That afternoon after I was alone, I took a shower. I still remember me taking a hot shower, I was creeped out, I couldn't look at myself, I felt dirty, disgusting.
I remember just barely making it from the shower to the toilet, cause I became physically sick, I'm sitting on the floor by the toilet just bitterly crying, trying to digest what happened.
My parents came home that night with his daughters from another marriage, I remember eating footling hotdogs that night, I had the headache from hell, it lasted the whole weekend.
I stayed in my room that night with crazy thoughts going through my mind.
Things like can people really see my shame, will I get sick, and the outrageous "Am I pregnant?" The problem was I knew nothing about sex, my body, or anything else. And in my mind I thought that men can get pregnant if some another man had sex with me.
I was so ashamed, I didn't know where to go, or what to do.
The only thing I did know was I was convinced I was dirty, and should be punished, cause my grandmother always told me not to let anyone touch me, well I was touched, so because I allowed this to happen to me, that I should be punished, and condemned.
It wasn't until I was 15 when I realized men can't get pregnant, and that men too can become victims of rape, which is what I was.
Today I feel foolish, nieve, and confused in a way for allowing myself to believe those thoughts I had at that time I was raped.
Imagine though the fear, confusion, and shame cause I was convinced everyone could see what happened.
I was literally scared out of my mind, and I learned this was a load I had to bare by myself, with no support from family.
Even 40 years later I never began to even heal, I never had a therapist, been to a support meeting, or even talked to a doctor about this, even today I still carry that shame with me.
But hopefully I can begin to look forward to see a therapist, to begin to heal, even if it's 40:years after the fact.
I can only hope someone can underdtsnd the hell I've been through, and not judge me, like so many already have.
Please know I never meant to offend anyone, it's just I've been judged for so long, and I don't want to be hurt anymore.
That afternoon after I was alone, I took a shower. I still remember me taking a hot shower, I was creeped out, I couldn't look at myself, I felt dirty, disgusting.
I remember just barely making it from the shower to the toilet, cause I became physically sick, I'm sitting on the floor by the toilet just bitterly crying, trying to digest what happened.
My parents came home that night with his daughters from another marriage, I remember eating footling hotdogs that night, I had the headache from hell, it lasted the whole weekend.
I stayed in my room that night with crazy thoughts going through my mind.
Things like can people really see my shame, will I get sick, and the outrageous "Am I pregnant?" The problem was I knew nothing about sex, my body, or anything else. And in my mind I thought that men can get pregnant if some another man had sex with me.
I was so ashamed, I didn't know where to go, or what to do.
The only thing I did know was I was convinced I was dirty, and should be punished, cause my grandmother always told me not to let anyone touch me, well I was touched, so because I allowed this to happen to me, that I should be punished, and condemned.
It wasn't until I was 15 when I realized men can't get pregnant, and that men too can become victims of rape, which is what I was.
Today I feel foolish, nieve, and confused in a way for allowing myself to believe those thoughts I had at that time I was raped.
Imagine though the fear, confusion, and shame cause I was convinced everyone could see what happened.
I was literally scared out of my mind, and I learned this was a load I had to bare by myself, with no support from family.
Even 40 years later I never began to even heal, I never had a therapist, been to a support meeting, or even talked to a doctor about this, even today I still carry that shame with me.
But hopefully I can begin to look forward to see a therapist, to begin to heal, even if it's 40:years after the fact.
I can only hope someone can underdtsnd the hell I've been through, and not judge me, like so many already have.
Please know I never meant to offend anyone, it's just I've been judged for so long, and I don't want to be hurt anymore.