Innocent, confused, and scared

After the boy raped me that Friday in April, 1981 I became scared.

That afternoon after I was alone, I took a shower. I still remember me taking a hot shower, I was creeped out, I couldn't look at myself, I felt dirty, disgusting.

I remember just barely making it from the shower to the toilet, cause I became physically sick, I'm sitting on the floor by the toilet just bitterly crying, trying to digest what happened.

My parents came home that night with his daughters from another marriage, I remember eating footling hotdogs that night, I had the headache from hell, it lasted the whole weekend.

I stayed in my room that night with crazy thoughts going through my mind.

Things like can people really see my shame, will I get sick, and the outrageous "Am I pregnant?" The problem was I knew nothing about sex, my body, or anything else. And in my mind I thought that men can get pregnant if some another man had sex with me.

I was so ashamed, I didn't know where to go, or what to do.

The only thing I did know was I was convinced I was dirty, and should be punished, cause my grandmother always told me not to let anyone touch me, well I was touched, so because I allowed this to happen to me, that I should be punished, and condemned.

It wasn't until I was 15 when I realized men can't get pregnant, and that men too can become victims of rape, which is what I was.

Today I feel foolish, nieve, and confused in a way for allowing myself to believe those thoughts I had at that time I was raped.

Imagine though the fear, confusion, and shame cause I was convinced everyone could see what happened.

I was literally scared out of my mind, and I learned this was a load I had to bare by myself, with no support from family.

Even 40 years later I never began to even heal, I never had a therapist, been to a support meeting, or even talked to a doctor about this, even today I still carry that shame with me.

But hopefully I can begin to look forward to see a therapist, to begin to heal, even if it's 40:years after the fact.

I can only hope someone can underdtsnd the hell I've been through, and not judge me, like so many already have.

Please know I never meant to offend anyone, it's just I've been judged for so long, and I don't want to be hurt anymore.
 
You didn't offend anyone. What happened to you was terrible. And that shame is something I think we all recognize. I don't judge you at all, No one here will. You got lost because of an outrageous crime done to you. Not because you did something wrong or somehow were to blame for it to happen.
You did nothing wrong. The wrong was done to you.

You took this very important step to heal by coming here and talking about it. Talk about it as much as you need.
 
Thank you, that one sunny Friday in April was perhaps the innocent child I was died, and a scared, angry, and confused person, who I didn't, and still don't know was born.

I just wanted to be like the other guys, having fun, feeling safe, falling in love.

I'm just tired of being hurt.
 
hi Kenneth, what happened to you was a horrible thing that should not happen to anyone the effects can last a lifetime i'm 63 and still dealing with it, you didnt offend anyone here you were telling your story like many others here have its good to get it all out and the more you talk about it the easier it gets to handle as to seeing a therapist check with your local and state govt's some have programs to help survivors, i'm glad you found the site and i'm sure you will find something here that will help you out, good luck on your healing journey, BB.
 
Hi Kenneth, I was convinced the older boys were turning me in to a girl. I didn't like getting turned in to a girl, the shame, the humiliation, the fear, the confusion, the anger, and the pain. I bathed in a pond after.

What happened to you is awful. People here will understand what happened to you, they won't judge you. Healing can start at any time in life. You have been living through hell since your abuse. It wasn't your fault, even when you expected the abuse to happen. Finding less painful ways to endure repeated abuse is quite normal, and is not a reflection on who you are. It happened to me too, I started to let them catch me, and then I stopped fighting them altogether, after a while I was looking forward to some parts of the abuse. That made it so much harder to share with anyone.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi Kenneth

I thought all sorts about the abuse I suffered and myself

A child has little experience to put what happened into context and to understand it

A good example in my case is when I was giving a statement to the police and I got to a point in my recalling that there was a dragon behind a curtain and I stopped because it was the first time I thought hang on what actually was that noise because as an adult I knew it wasn't a dragon I told the police officer and I felt daft that it was the first time over 20 years after the fact that I had challenged my recollection, what was the noise?

I feel for the children we were who shouldn't of had to try and process what we had to

I was in my late 20's when I finally freed myself from members of my family my abusers and those complient in my abuse

Our healing journey can start at anytime in our lives. Ms has been great for my healing and I hope it is for yours too

Peace
HL
 

HenryD

Registrant
Hello Kenneth. How I sympathize!

Like you, I took the same, long shower. We could wash away the blood but not the feelings. The confusion and pain were real but undeserved.

You are NOT alone and never need to be again.

Henry
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Hello Kenneth. I sorry this has happened to you, but you have found us who will help you heal. Like all of us we too are healing. We are all in different stages of healing. Like you I was raped too but at age 9 1/2. I have only been on this site about 1 month yet posted many stories and found some much relief and releasing the pain in the stories I tell. Thanks to a PTSD group and this site I am now selling my living room sofa which has been in the family since 1958, it was my grand mothers, and has been redone 3 times. But recently I remember it was the sofa I was raped on., 48 years ago. Healing comes in many different ways. I hope you find some healing soon and please do share and read and be apart of this community.
 
Thank you all, very much.

I felt so silly in even thinking that men can get pregnant, but it was the total fear, the horror I went through that afternoon that caused me to think this way, I just didn't know where to go or what was what.
 
Hello Kenneth,

The same thing happened to me when I was eight or nine. The rapist was the teenage son of friends of my parents. He also molested my little brother and probably raped his own little brother, given how is brother acts. The road to recovery is long but worth it. I think it is more of a process than a destination and I wish you the best on it. You will find a lot of help and support here on MS.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Today I feel foolish, nieve, and confused in a way for allowing myself to believe those thoughts I had at that time I was raped.
Many of us get snagged by that mental mousetrap, but try to remember those thoughts you had were very real to you at the time.
 
The shame is one of the greatest burdens I carry from the abuse. I have had several therapists over the years and I still feel the shame. No idea if it ever goes away. It can lessen with time.
 
Dear Kenneth,

As you heard from u, you were not at fault. Your rapist is the thge person responsible for your shame, fear and pain.

All of us have had these experiences. My brother molested me (and my little brother) when I was 10, my little brother was 8.
At 12, My mother made me get naked so a photographer friend of my mother could take pictures. My older brother said we should experiment. He told me to suck his penis. When he was near ejaculation he told me I was a homosexual.

0When I said no, it hurt, she told me, then I was O K He also raped my little brother. when he was 12.

That it made me crazy and thought I deserved it. When I punched him in the balls to get him off me But, I felt so guilty and tried to make it up to him. Anyway, my mother refused to talk about it. Which of course made me feel responsible. She told me I made her feel guilty.
So I felt guilty because I did not protect my mother or my little brother.

All of us have these stories. We don;t judge each other. What ever we thought was based on ignorance and the abandonement by the people
who should have cared for us.

Please be gentle with yourself. and live with getting help, you have hurt yourself for far too long

Go with God and may his countenance shine upon you and grant you peace.
 

Resilience

Registrant
Thank you all, very much.

I felt so silly in even thinking that men can get pregnant, but it was the total fear, the horror I went through that afternoon that caused me to think this way, I just didn't know where to go or what was what.
Kenneth, you are not alone. I was abused when I was 4 years old, and my abuser was 7 or 8 years old. I remember that until I was 15 I thought that if I were a girl, I would have gotten pregnant. Look: how could a girl get pregnant with a 7 or 8 year old boy?

We were innocent. It wasn't our fault.

Relax and have compassion for yourself. You deserve.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Hi Kenneth,

Your description of showering, headache, panic over the possible outcomes is all too familiar. Unfortunately so is the 40 year delay- 40 years of silent shame, guilt and disgust with myself. The good news is that it is never too late to start with a good TRAUMA informed therapist. The Consumers Guide to Selecting a Therapist was a tremendous help to me after two quack therapist attempts were no help for me.

Also attending two Weekends of Recovery was the jump start on shame busting for me. Never too late to learn shame busting and start putting the guilt, that is truly only the perpetrator's, finally back where it belongs on the perp. MenHealing.org with the same group of therapists runs these as well as Days of Recovery and Evenings of Recovery. You might want to check those out too.

Manipulated
 
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