inner child

inner child
T

Thad

Registrant
To all who are impatient with their inner child:

I realized, this last night & this morning something about my inner child.

NOTE: I dislike the pat and clichd terms describing complex things. They tend to allow us to trivialize and make glib generalizations that comes from a desire (sometimes a need) to avoid the complex. It is hard to live with the inner conflicts and chaos - our mind seeks the safer harbor of simpler concepts and short cuts. (resulting in my difficulty with yellow smiley faces – “have a nice day” Ya sure!) Sometimes they become a new form of denial hiding in the very tools with which we work on ourselves.

I do have an inner child

About my kid: He is my child mind. He was on the front line of my trauma - he experienced the sexual abuse - he had to deal with the experience of abuse, had to formulate a plan to protect himself.

He had to try to answer such nagging questions as: Why IS this happening to me? And then, why DID it happen? Why did this person do this? (whether family member, friend or stranger) Sometimes, Why did I let them do it? and Why did I enjoy it? Or How do I deal with the awfulness of it? How do I deal with the CONTROL this person is exercising over me? ….All were complex questions…..with no easy answers (even for an adult)

My inner child had a child's mind and responded within the limits of his child's view of the world. And worse of all, the sa grabbed his attention and distracted him from the business of being a child – to develop sexually, emotionally, physically - to be a child and have a childhood and to be a member of a family.

My kid had it tough – he responded by being vigilant (always) – being distrustful (always, of everyone) – and by being emotionally dead – (don't leave that door open, the perp might get back in) –

Actually – it wasn't a bad plan for a kid to hatch – the problem is that it didn't work very well – the sexual abuse continued and when it was replaced by emotional abuse – TIME STOPPED! He got to stay the same age.

Since our development stopped all kinds of new problems resulted and we fell behind – as though we were held back each year in school, year after year – and with each developmental challenge, he stayed behind and I had to wing it – do the best I could, year after year – By then it was not “us” it was him and me against each other and against the world until by his adolescence – when I should have been settling into a comfortable (and stimulating) sexual orientation, I WAS TOTALLY LOST AND CONFUSED –

So, somewhere in this, he decided to get stubborn and pissed – really pissed – and started building a big cement fort around him – and decided he wasn't going to come out until he was set free from the anguish and guilt and anger that consumed him – AND – he hung on to his plan – VIGILANT-DISTRUSTFUL-EMOTIONALLY DISTANT –

He is still in there holding on to his plan – waiting to be rescued – obstinate stubborn and defiant –


He became a pain in the ass, frankly, and I blamed him for all my problems – Then it was my turn to make the BIGGEST MISTAKE – I chose to ignore him – to surround him with denial – to forget it all – So, he said, “Fine, if you don't want to know the truth and your not going to rescue me then see what that gets you” It got me a guerilla war in which he would strike out and screw up some part of my life – over and over – I never saw it coming – and it always came in some form or another –

After a while I hardly knew he was there – things were screwed up and I thought it was me! “the freak of nature” The only time I had a inkling he existed was when some scene of a lost child being rescued would come on TV and WE (he and I) would cry together – we still do – we cry for ourselves and anyone who needs rescuing (This last week was rough watching all the rescue efforts in NYC & DC – )

So what do I do? Well, I have started by trying to make a truce with him. Here's my plan: I'll stop saying bad things about him – give him credit for being the only one around (anywhere) who could speak the awful truth. I will figure out and say out loud what happened! I will work on the layers of symptoms and arrested development until I understand their structure and how they have a hold on me (like peeling back the onion layers of my shell first to get to his shell – so he has a chance to come out of his fort – and I will try to remember to give him the love and care and nurturing that wasn't there for him from his MOTHER – I give up my denial - then, maybe, he will feel safe and we can be one again.
 
Thad,
Sounds like you got your shit together on this part of the SA. If you want him out and to be happy again, you must make it fun for him!!! Give him neat things to play with and lots of your time to play. Let him live and do the things that a little boy wants to do. I have been working hard on doing this myself for the past 6 weeks...arts and crafts...bought an ATV..building neat things...doing fun things to get my inter child out...and it's starting to work!

Eddie
 
Thad,
Damn, but that was a Great, Powerful & Deeply Meaningful post!,
BL
 
Gee, guys – you are too nice I feel I should post a warning at the end of every post:

WARNING – RESPONSE TO THIS POST WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE THE WRITER

– a part of me still wants me to shut up and go back out and pretend to be “normal” – Like you Blackleaves, it is spilling out –

I post therefore I am – (all of me) not just my faade (“I am a machine” – MichaelW) – Writing, chatting, posting has held back the tide of depression – and it is integrally connected with bits and pieces of others here – who have sparked my imagination – set in motion the Teutonic plates of my split continents of myself – long ago separated by a sa catastrophe – and they are moving again (a very Californian analogy) watch out! Tremors! (I keep waiting for the big one)

Eddie – I wish this part of me were together – I'm only trying to allow my mind to point the direction to the rest of me – I have so much to do – your suggestion to allow my child to play is a good one – and very hard for me to do –

Thanks guys…..thad
 
Thad, You say:

'About my kid: He is my child mind. He was on the front line of my trauma - he experienced the sexual abuse - he had to deal with the experience of abuse, had to formulate a plan to protect himself.' I couldn't identify more with this. I feel like I am still carrying out the original plan as you describe.

I am moved by your ability to marshall your resources to make a new plan, and take steps to accomplish it. It gives one hope.
 
Thad,

A couple of the bigees for me as i see it now,,

Continuing to keep old feelings seperate from current events, that one seems to be neverending.

Seeing the walls, i always thought they were just like part of the scenery, quaint, eccentric and charming.

Discovering the bricks that make up those walls, finding ways to take them down, seems i have to do it one brick at a time.

Trying not to get too discouraged.

Remembering to breathe.

It was so bad when it happened, it just feels like such a cruel joke that i have to clean up all the leftovers too. I started believing a while back that the measure of my individual health was reflected back to me in how my life was working, and my feelings about myself were reflected back to me in my relationships, when i look around, its hard to look at, i dont seem to like myself very much, i dont seem to know how to take very good care of myself, but i keep trying, i keep working on it.

Thad,

I liked what you wrote, i liked it alot.

I recently found a picture of me at about 12 years old and i have it on my bulletin board at work, i look at it a lot every day, i was a cute kid, i was an innocent little boy.

John
 
SoCalJohn,

I had to reply to you response, as it resonates so strongly for me. The unfairness of the situation at times is overwhelming for me. Like u said, to have to suffer the pain, the agony of the original experience, and then be stuck with the mess, it's beyond comprehension.

My heart goes out to you, and everyone else that has to deal with this stuff. I believe in you, Thad, and everyone I have met on this site, and know that u will make things happen to improve your lives, and so will I.
 
Thad, your post is very good as are the responses. They all address the issue of dealing as an adult with the defenses that we put up as children, defenses that are still active and keep us from moving forward. Yes, to paraphrase, the wall has to come down one brick at a time, the same way it went up.

It took me 38 years to recognize that I had to do something about that minute part of me that popped up every now and again and disrupted my life. I can now recognize the behaviours and my inner 12 year olds rationale for them. That knowledge doesn't necessarily make everything "all better" right away, but it's a start.

By all means, enjoy small pleasures and indulge in childlike whims in a safe and comforting environment. We can never go back in time and change what happened to us (as much as I long for that) but we can repair the damage and move forward with a new perspective. I'd lived with the denial,the self-doubt and the insecurities for a long time and it will take me time to rebuild a different stronger me.

Take good care of yourselves, you deserve the best that life has to give.

Steve
 
Thad,

We are so fortunate to have you participating in this forum, for you have a wonderful ability to express yourself in a way that resonates with a good number of us "hurtin' buckeroos."

I am particularly struck by your references to "the lost child being rescued" in TV and movies. Boy, does this strike a chord in my heart. Anytime there is a little boy in a movie or TV show who is vulnerable, who is fortunate enough to have a parent or other adult scoop him up in their arms and tell him that he is loved....well, the tears come! Often when this happens I don't know or can't figure out the origin just what the exact connection is, but I am moved profoundly nevertheless.

It's a good thing that I have an understanding wife who, when I'm wiping away tears at the end of one of these movies, passes the Kleenex and cries along with me. As you might imagine, it's a blast to go to the movies with me...!

Thanks, Thad, for once again touching upon some of the deep and important feelings which many of us have buried so deeply.

We are blessed by your presence, my friend.

Don
 
Don and all of you guys,

The movie that just broke me up was a Disney movie, "The Kid" with Bruce Willis. This was about really getting in touch with your inner child, comforting him and helping him deal with some of the problems of childhood. I know it is a fantasy but it is one that I wish would be true. If you haven't seen it last year in the theaters it's out in rental now. I bought a copy at Costco.

Steve
 
Steve,

Thanks for the movie suggestion; I've added "The Kid" to our video rental list. We'll check it out this weekend.

Don
 
Steve,

We watched "The Kid" tonight. Interestingly, we had rented this previously and I hadn't remembered it (even when the clerk in the video store mentioned it!).

You are right...GREAT movie...wonderful ending!

The first time we'd watched it I hadn't had those childhood SA memories, nor had I discovered this forum. Consequently, it was much more powerful tonight.

Thanks for suggesting that we watch it...what a gift!

Don
 
Thanksgiving update on my inner child

It is now two months since I wrote this about my inner child. I went back to it looking for answers. When I wrote it, I had expected that things would change, that by laying out my glimpse of of my inner child and setting out the plan to deal with him I would somehow push myself further along the road of recovery.

It feels like that didn't happen. My focus was poor. I dropped out from writing and posting and reverted to my sexual addictions which propelled me further into aloneness. My life continues to be chaotic, and I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads.

Thanksgiving is an awful time for me. I hate holidays. They never are fun and there is no sense of family that doesn't seem false and contrived. I want to hide, to avoid the family. I chose to spend thanksgiving by going to a friend's house where I will feel like a guest. And I resent my the aloneness I created for myself – it propels me into my depression.

So what am I thankful for? Or better yet, my inner child asks, What has HE got to be thankful for? (as in, what have you done for me lately) Poor neglected child – living in a love-hate relationship with his adult self.

What I wrote ended in a false hopefulness that I had the strength to make it change – too grand a vision –

Yet, I know it changed – I am thankful that at times I can see that I have made choices which make me a little more whole - I gave up spending time with my addiction, I have renewed my offer of truce with my inner child – I am writing again (to stay sane or to keep from going insane), I have reached out to my son from a more truthful inner place – I have sat down and cried with my inner child over my son's dilemmas, and I was stronger for that.

I am taking small steps based on new knowledge of my self (which I can not seem deny anymore) that are BETTER choices. Each day I change (even though I don't always see it)

So, Happy Thanksgiving, little guy. And Peace to you, big guy, you are with your family now…you and your inner child… Have some turkey and sit quietly with each other reflecting on small steps taken….

And to the rest of you…..I give thanks for your being here to listen and your wonderful responses.

And I hope your Thanksgiving has some meaning and gives you a moment of reflection and peace…

thad and his inner child
 
Dear Thad and I.C.,

It is SO good to have you back in the forum; thanks for making the time to write.

I am so sorry to hear discouraging words, but I do want to tell you both that you ARE healing and that your posts have been helpful to my healing. I am sure that many other guys in this forum could say the same.

Your are so right...holidays are very problematic for many of us, particularly for the little boys inside....they are the ones who want things to be magic and filled with wonder and all things good. And, of course, these little boys who reside inside of us hurtin' buckeroos have every right to want to feel safe and loved and happy.

Be gentle with yourself, Thad. This is tough stuff and healing is a slow, cyclical process. Thankfully, we have each other...and together we can take baby steps forward in the dark, knowing that one day we'll be skipping out into the light!

I appreciate your honest, from-the-heart posts, Thad....they give me great hope and comfort.

Don
 
Thad,

I hope you don't mind too much that I've brought this back. I was doing a search on 'inner child' and this thread caught my attention. I'm heart-warmed (a good thing, feels good) by your posts in this thread and by the feedback given by others.

To all:

Some good suggestions here. I'm attempting to do some of these, like letting my inner child get some toys he wants for (ack, xmas).

I'm slowly, kickin and dragging my feet, coming to accept that only the adult me can truly take care of and nuture my inner child. It's so hard me for me to do this. I keep getting paralized/sabotaged by other thoughts/feelings/parts inside - the angry one, the sex addict one, the isolator, the one wearing the shame mask, the pain/hurt filled one who is also the innermost little one holding hands with the grief filled neglected one, the helpless and powerless one, the victim, the wild teenage in horny overdrive, the self-destructive one, the adult with confused sexual identity issues.

On the other side of the coin (I'm a Libra, I see 3 or more sides to every coin).
I can do this. I am facing the abuse with courage and determination. I'm beginning to reach out for help (besides my T), like using this site. I have a lot of hope for getting past the abuse issues, and even getting a life.

thanks for listening and helping me where you can with this.

-jer
 
Jer,
Thank you so much for renewing this post and Thad thank you so much for writing it! Tears started forming in my eyes when I read this. I felt like Thads words mirrored exactly my thoughts on this. A few weeks ago I wrote a post called Time to Grow Up. It was a letter to my inner child. I had the same expectations as Thad in terms of expecting to have some giant leap forward in my recovery. Sadly, I feel that I am more vulnerable than ever. It has lulled me into a mild depression, though the holidays don't help either. I don't understand the vulnerability. I had lived on my own, I recently graduated from college, and I had done things on my own without too much trouble (Really, I just ignored my inner child and viewed his thoughts as part of the confusing scenery). But now I feel so paralyzed. Is this my child mind screaming at me? I don't know. I feel like that part of me is getting the best of me, though. I'm tired of dealing with this. When will I have the strangth to move on with myself? My mind is tired so I will end it here. Thanks again Jer and Thad.
Take care,
Mike
 
Thad,
If you read this, how have things gone for you since you wrote this. I'm just a little curious.
Thanks,
mike
 
Thad,
You have a wonderful gift of writing good clear and insightful things. I encourage you to flesh out these posts into an article.

Caring for our inner child can be tricky. I would never have done it without a great T helping me. It is a profoundly moving experience to do it though, and it was perhaps one of the few times I have been able to truly love.

My little guy was a doll--I'm glad he did not know at the time that he would grow to be a big, bald crabby looking guy!!!

Peaceto you.

Bob
 
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