Inner Child

Inner Child
J

Jaysen

Registrant
So my therapist is really into healing the inner child.

Personally I think it's bullshit.

I see a lot of things on here that talk about "the little boy inside me". In my opinion, if he is there inside me? I wish he'd get the hell out and let me get on with my life! I hate him and he's got no business being here. If it wasn't for him, maybe I wouldn't have got hurt.... the dumb little shit!

Sounds harsh maybe but it's how I feel.

Anyway, if you do buy into it here's something my doc gave me that I thought was pretty cool...

Things your inner child would like to hear from you...
I love you, I care about you, and I accept you just the way you are.
I am so proud of you and all that you are.
I am so happy you are my child.
You are so beautiful and attractive.
You are so bright and talented.
You are so artistic and creative.
You are such a good worker.
I am sorry I hurt you.
I am sorry I neglected you.
I am sorry I forgot you.
I am sorry I ignored you.
I am sorry I took you for granted.
I am sorry I made you grow up so fast.
I am sorry I had to rely on you so much.
You can trust me to take care of you.
You can trust me to be there for you.
You can trust me to protect you from any hurt or pain.
I will get help for myself and for you.
We will work at getting healthy together.
We will have healthy fun and play together.

It's funny, that all sounds so nice and warm and fuzzy and it also sounds a lot like some of the shit Kenny said to me to get me to trust him.

Jay
 
It's not bullshit. Your doctor knows what he is doing, so it might be a good idea to try some of those lines out.
 
Jay,

as Nobby says, its not funny, and you know what, you are still suffering guilt and blaming the little guy who is you.

He is saying look on the little innocent boy who was abused, and saying hey, its not yr fault.
Time and time again, I blame the little guy, but it wasnt his fault, nor yours.

Inner child working has its merits, because you can see the real kid, who was hurt, and never should blame himself for getting hurt.

Inner child helps me so much in thinking it was not my fault, and the little boy was good and never hurt anyone.

Its hard, but believe me it works, so be good to your inner child and reach out to him, and tell him it was not his fault,

ste
 
Jay,

Thanks for sharing that. Really. This is the place where you can share what's on your mind. All of us need to do be able to express the hurt inside. In doing so we can get things out where we can see them and process them.

I too was a nonbeliever in the "inner child" talk, but you know what? I discovered there is at least some truth to the concept. When I discovered that, my recovery really began to gel for me and I could begin to see real changes.

That is not to say that it will work for everyone. The inner child concept is just a way of describing the internal psyche of the individual in a way that makes sense to some people. Others need to conceptualize this in other ways. It doesn't make them weird or wrong.

Again, don't be afraid to discuss it here with us. We'll be glad to listen and share ideas with you.

Lots of love,

John
 
Hi Jay, I haven't had any therapy, but there is a book you may like to pickup at a used book store. It is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, M.D.,F.I.C.S.

You may like it better, it talks about everyone having a self-image, and how your subconscious tries to make real life the same as your self-image. When bad things happen to you it damages your self-image, and once that happens your subconscious gets in the act and tries to keep you feeling bad. The book explains how you can correct this, by saying good things about yourself. The book also has some other methods that you can try.
your subconscious is like a feedback loop, if it is negative feedback it can keep you feeling bad, but if you can change it to a positive feedback it can make you feel good. I used to do electronic repair in the navy so the book made a lot of sense to me.

Take care,
Clifford
 
The whole inner child concept has surprised me a lot. I was not so sure about it myself. I do not think I finally started to really heal from all the SA shit until I made that connection. It is more of a getting in touch with that child energy that I abandoned when I was a little boy and having access to it agian. I am an adult now but having the ability to play and feel agian has been great.
I also understand that it is not going to be the way everyone finds healing. I hope you will find the right path for you.

Dale
 
Makes sense Elad.

I guess maybe I do kinda sorta buy in just a little bit, because I blame him for everything.

Not quite sure how to say this... but I know it's nothing you all haven't heard before..
Once in a while when I'm feeling particularly down on myself I'll go out and get myself into a bad situation. It's almost as if I'm looking for the assault that I took all over again only with the mind of a child. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone. I'm thinking I do this to punish him, to continue the abuse. The next day I end up feeling guilty as hell but in the back of my mind I'm thinking "that's what you deserved".

I don't know... kind of feel like I'm losing my mind with this. Hard to figure it all out.

Jay
 
that inner child is the only reason we are still sane and still alive ,he was so much stronger than i am today ,look back at what he went through remember he was just a kid ,till you can embrace him trying to heal is gonna be hard
 
I can't argue with that.
I don't know what happened, I'm not sure why I'm beginning to blame him, blame myself for all of this. I never used too.
 
whoa! that's pretty intense. It sounds as if you are made at your inner child or the child that existed when you were abused. Why didn't he say no or tell anyone? Its OK to be mad at that child but its even better to understand where that child is coming from and that he really did not have a choice. He was incapable of being assertive because he was too young and was affraid. He had every reason to be. Now he looks to you for guidance, support, and affection. Yea its sounds somewhat ludicrous but if you give it a shot it can be one of the most healing experiences you could have. It helped me to cry after years of not being able to.
 
Hi Jay, I hear what you are saying. I recently replied to a message thread on pandys.org , which is another large survivors web site, it is mostly girls on there, but they do allow guys also. The message thread was mainly about violent rape, and why we end up feeling so bad about it. here is what I put down, it may help you.

It Absolutely was rape, and it Absolutely was not your fault. So why do we feel so bad about it? Why do we feel like we are Absolutely the biggest Coward in the world? I was raped in 1968, so I have been thinking about this for a long time, but I don't have a T, so you may want to ask your T, and see if I am right. I think the reason we feel so bad about it is, we were given a choice. Choose life and be raped, or choose death. We choose life, and were raped. Afterward, we feel that we made the wrong choice. I think that is why we feel so bad.
Click to expand...
I don't know if that applies to you or not, but maybe it will help you think about it.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Jay,

The inner child is not someone different from you. All the talk about the inner child is just a way that allows us to understand that many of our feelings and sensibilities were fixed in childhood. And if we were abused, many of the ways we look at the world will reflect how we felt back then. Those feelings don't go away just because we are adults now.

You say the following, for example:

I see a lot of things on here that talk about "the little boy inside me". In my opinion, if he is there inside me? I wish he'd get the hell out and let me get on with my life! I hate him and he's got no business being here. If it wasn't for him, maybe I wouldn't have got hurt.... the dumb little shit!
Click to expand...
No one will blame you for saying this, and in fact, as I just said to you on another thread, this is EXACTLY what you have to say, because this is how you feel.

But it is important to look back and see what options the kid really did and didn't have. He didn't know then what you know now. He was terrified and devastated in ways for which he could NEVER have been prepared. He had the boyhood feeling that adults can do anything, and if an adult says, "I will get you", that's exactly what will happen.

Try not to judge Jay as a kid for things that Jay as a yound man thinks he could have done. Life for a survivor isn't that simple, and as you proceed in your healing this is one of the many things you will see with increasing clarity.

Much love,
Larry
 
That's my biggest problem right there.. When I think about the past I have to remember that I'm not a 5 or 6 year old anymore and don't think like one. I suppose if I knew then what I know now I would have kicked his ass the second he put a hand on me. But that still doesn't explain the asshole that grabbed me at the party.
 
WOW Jaysen,

You basically expressed the same feelings that made me first post on this forum to begin with so I can certainly relate, not that I think healing the Inner Child is crap but I certainly have had much distain for my own in the past and still do, every now and then. I thank you for your honesty. i still have trouble expressing exactly how I feel out of fear of being judged.
 
Jay,

It was so refreshing to come across this thread. I feel and have felt for some time the same way.

My abuse started at 12 and ended at 14. Before the abuse, I was a totally different person: In second grade I wrote, directed and starred in a school play, in fourth grade I started a community newspaper for kids, in sixth grade I was DJ at a school dance, whenever we moved I would go door to door in the neighborhood and ask if there were any kids there and, if so, could they come out and play? Basically, what I'm saying is that the kid I was before the abuse was vivacious, full of life and embraced his dreams. He was smart, he was funny, he was well-liked. Then, because he'd never had a father figure in his life (dad died when I was young, mother never remarried, or even dated), he went out in search of one. And when he found one, the attention was nice. Then, just when I'd been groomed to the right point, he made his move and my life since has been one of withdrawal, fear, disdainful of dreams. If I do get involved with something that looks like it's going to be great, I sabotage it.

I am very, very angry at that 12 year old (is "inner child" the pet word we're using?). He was smarter than that. And, even if the first time was a simple mistake, why the hell did he go back for more, expecting the father figure to come back?

Of course, I thought for many years that my abuse wasn't that bad, that others had it much worse. Then, two weeks ago, the flashbacks started, and I realized not only did the 12 year old me accept the coercion, he accepted full on trauma (you can read about the flashbacks, and other therapy stuff at https://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com - although be warned that it's probably too explicit if you're easily triggered).

So, yes, I'm mad at the 12 year old me. He really fucked up my life by not waling away and never looking back. My wife tells me to look at our own 12 year old and ask myself if he should feel the same way, and I say "I was smarter then he is" and she says, "bullshit, you're thinking back as a 39 year old, you're not being fair to him." A therapist even said to me, "God, you are narcissistic aren't you?"

You'll see on my blog that I don't care much for these hyper-therapy words that mean nothing to me, like inner child and survivor and so on. I know that will make some of you pounce on me, but that's just the way I am. I don't trust words. I trust what I can see in action.

Anyway, thanks for listening (reading). Just wanted Jay to know I'm dealing with the same feelings.

Chris
 
JayB, believe me this is the last place you'll get judged! and you're welcome.

Chris - you're wife is right I think, just like these guys here are right, you can't think back with the mind of a 39 year old.

And sorry you're both dealing with the same feelings.
 
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