Initiating sex

Initiating sex
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
** Underage Warning**
Adult content, be wary of reading (this post is also in Male Survivors)
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I suspect that this is a CSA trait, but I am constantly feeling guilty if I ask to have sex with my wife. Whatever the frequency of our lovemaking, I feel its always me asking or strongly hinting and yet when I do I feel like Im some dirty, perverted person for wanting sex. At times I feel like I just wont bother any more, but I know I have a sex drive that will drive me nuts if I try to ignore it, plus I believe its meant to be part of our relationship anyway.

On that, Im often amazed that I actually want to have sex because it was such a destroyed thing for me as a young boy. Doesnt she know that for me to ask is a HUGE thing? I have told her this countless times. Im not expecting her to be a mind reader but I get tired of always being the one to prompt. Its not as if (not that shes said anyway) that she doesnt want to be intimate with me, she just rarely initiates! Arghhh.

Cold shower required!
 
Grunty,

I'm not sure how long you've been married, or how long you were married before you disclosed to your wife and began recovery. My partner and I were together for six years before he disclosed, and in those six years, we brought a lot of bad habits into the bedroom.

What follows is my experience and I don't want to hurt your feelings by sharing it or attempt to speak for your wife. I hope it might give you some insight on what CSA issues can do to the other partner in even a very loving relationship.

For a long time, he was not interested in sex with me at all, and when we had sex, it felt like he was more interested in getting it over with than in being with me. It wasn't just that he would turn me down if I initiated-- but he would set it up so that I wouldn't/couldn't initiate-- he'd invent reasons to be up until too late, he'd pick a fight with me right around bedtime, etc. When I tried to talk to him about it he would say that there was something wrong with me that I wanted to have sex "all the time."

In the end he got what he wanted, I was hurt and ashamed enough that I just stopped asking. Every night that I fell asleep by myself, there was a voice in my head saying, maybe something IS wrong with you. When I found out about the porn and chat rooms, that voice got a lot louder.

This stuff is all in the past for us-- but still I have trouble initiating sex with him. I know that if he says no, all those feelings will come flooding back. And I do understand that there are times he needs to say no, and I don't resent that the way I resented the staying up late and whatever before. But I just don't want to be hurt anymore. He's asking me to do the same thing that he called ME sick and dirty for even thinking about, three years ago.

I ended up very angry the first time he asked me about initiating-- he was asking me to put myself back in the line of fire-- again. And when I did start initiating I didn't get the sense that he appreciated it or understood that it was a big deal for me, too.

So I guess my advice is, communicate, and be prepared for your wife having her own stuff that she needs to work through before the two of you can find a balance.

Also, if your wife hasn't indicated otherwise, believe that she does want to be intimate with you. What is she like otherwise? Think about something you do that she's not fond of. Does she let you know when she'd like you to cut it out?

Wishing you both the best.
SAR
 
I have had similar experiences, SAR! In our case, we have never been physically intimate, though. I have often thought that N has been waiting for ME to put the moves on him, but 1st, as a rape survivor myself, that isn't too realistic. The only way I have been able to be physically involved with a man for the past 20 yrs. is by completely numbing out: that is out of the question with N! (I guess that's a good thing!)

N has often "hinted around" about "touch," but not in any way that would "lead" anywhere. And when he does this in an indirect manner, I find myself getting very confused - I second-guess myself, I tell myself that his attraction to me doesn't seem very strong, I tell myself that if *I* come on too strong, he'll have a panic attack, I get frightened of the rejection, he still flinches sometimes when I give him a hug & that makes me feel like a perp & on & on & on again.... And, yes, I admit that I do feel some resentment here!

Perhaps there is also the additional complication that for both of us, being desired sexually by someone in the past always led to our having been victimized - yet how else did we ever get attention?

Meanwhile, tthere have been many times when even with the most casual touch between us, there is a sanctity there I can see in his face & in his breathlessness - and it is the same for me.

I think the lesson here is that both of us have been very squeamish about sex - and for good reason! We will not be able to even start to resolve these issues until the general level of trust between us gets stronger.
 
We have the exact opposite problem in my marriage. I NEVER had issues about sex at all until I was with my husband. He would encourage me to initiate...then make me feel disgusting and wrong for it.
I have had to totally shut off my communication to him on it....(that means initiation, text messaging he can take the wrong way, flirting etc) because I am crushed by his reaction. His reactions can include ignoring me, redirecting the conversation...and at one point saying things that were meant to make me feel dirty/bad for implying he would even desire me that way.
It has been a long ride....
and although we have really ironed out so much in our 3 yrs together...
this is the one subject that remains on his terms. It has to at this point, and I choose to really try to stay neutral and not upset knowing that this is the root of what destroyed him for so many years.
He struggles with the madonna/whore thing.
He will tell me one thing, and do the other. I am totally gun shy now!
 
Grunty

Since my partner disclosed to me about the CSA, I have trouble FEELING like I'm taking advantage of him by initiating sex. We seem to be resolving that a little by me verbalising when I would like to have sex with him, telng him how gorgeous he is how much I fancy him and that the way he just kissed me turned me on etc.., but I then leave the actual physical initiation to him.

We both seem to prefer this at the moment but I have to say its so not easy and my feelings seem to come last at the moment where sex is concerned. This does feel right tho'

Good luck

Tracy
 
my husband and I have only just realised that the SA has created an issue for us in our sex life (and the rest of life too actually.) I think we both thought that it was due to general marriage or relationship problems and the penny has now only just dropped.

We have the opposite problem though wherby my husband is not keen on initiating sex at all, his fear of rejection is stronger than his desire for sex with me. He does have a sex drive though and I think masturbation largely gets him through and he is open with me about the fact that real people are too complicated!

We do have sex however if I initiate (but with a whole bundle of my own issues this isnt as often as I would like!) As a wife to a survivor though I do find the whole sex thing very difficult as there tends to be a general lack of affection or just nice or pleasant attention from my husband so it can feel like a HUGE leap to make from NOTHING to something, if you know what I mean. So if I'm honest, even if he did initiate I may not feel ok about that, I guess I feel like he hasn't done the ground work or something-it doesn't feel like enough affection or even communication is there on a very basic level-a bit like he seems like a stranger.

thanks for making things a bit clearer for me there is obviously a common thread through all of this for those dealing with SA and their partners.
 
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