Initiating sex

Initiating sex
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
** Underage Warning**
Adult content, be wary of reading
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I suspect that this is a CSA trait, but I am constantly feeling guilty if I ask to have sex with my wife. Whatever the frequency of our lovemaking, I feel its always me asking or strongly hinting and yet when I do I feel like Im some dirty, perverted person for wanting sex. At times I feel like I just wont bother any more, but I know I have a sex drive that will drive me nuts if I try to ignore it, plus I believe its meant to be part of our relationship anyway.

On that, Im often amazed that I actually want to have sex because it was such a destroyed thing for me as a young boy. Doesnt she know that for me to ask is a HUGE thing? I have told her this countless times. Im not expecting her to be a mind reader but I get tired of always being the one to prompt. Its not as if (not that shes said anyway) that she doesnt want to be intimate with me, she just rarely initiates! Arghhh.

Cold shower required!
 
Grunty,

I am not really the one to answer this, I can only relate to the dirty little boy part.
I think that this is the part that really got to me, the boy has to perform.

This whole issue is one for marriage guidance counselling, it is not an easy one.
I do not know whether your wife knows about your past, and I think you need to really consider telling her.

Why dont you copy this post into friends and family, then you can get the women to comment, they are so cool on this stuff.

I know these issues can be huge, it is for me since I was a boy, and if they are not addressed early on then they fester into the future.

As an abused boy I had an unusually high interest in sex and I dont know even why that was.
I thought all boys were like that, but I never saw another boy who was like me.

Does your wife know?
This is the big issue, or what I am thinking here,

ste
 
Originally posted by Grunty1967b:
** Underage Warning**
Adult content, be wary of reading
=================================
I suspect that this is a CSA trait, but I am constantly feeling guilty if I ask to have sex with my wife. Whatever the frequency of our lovemaking, I feel its always me asking or strongly hinting and yet when I do I feel like Im some dirty, perverted person for wanting sex. At times I feel like I just wont bother any more, but I know I have a sex drive that will drive me nuts if I try to ignore it, plus I believe its meant to be part of our relationship anyway.

On that, Im often amazed that I actually want to have sex because it was such a destroyed thing for me as a young boy. Doesnt she know that for me to ask is a HUGE thing? I have told her this countless times. Im not expecting her to be a mind reader but I get tired of always being the one to prompt. Its not as if (not that shes said anyway) that she doesnt want to be intimate with me, she just rarely initiates! Arghhh.

Cold shower required!
Click to expand...
I am not sure what CSA trait means but I have had a problem with my wife where I am for what seems to me, I am the person who has to initiate the sex. She says she loves sex with me but I find it tiring to be the one who has to initiate it. I have trouble getting an erection for her unless she initiates orally. I find it hard to get turned on to her too. Maybe that is another issue altogether. We only have sex a few times a year. I love sex but have resolved myself to masterbation.
 
First, to lostone, I believe CSA stands for "chronic sexual abuse". This place needs a glossary, huh?

Grunty, you described my life. It's a no-win situation. I feel like if I initiate, I'm "using" her when she doesn't want it. And of course, the least tiny hint that she doesn't want it shuts everything down anyway. But the odds of me being issue-free and ready to go aren't that good either. About half the time she initiates, I watch myself backing across the room trying to get away.

I do know that when we get in sync and regularly spend time together, I do so much better. It works better than therapy, because here I have this person that completely approves of me, doesn't make me feel dirty, and loves me for who I am. It helps so much, but then the dreaded PMS week comes where she can't stand to be within 15 feet of me, followed by the week where she wants me but can't. And here we go again trying to start things going again. Like you, sometimes I'm like, Forget it. It's too much trouble.

Your post here makes me want to try again. I've been a mess for about a month, and coincidentally, my wife and I have been messed up for about two. She needs it, too. We're closer when we spend time together. This seems to be a common problem among almost everyone here.

I wish I had a magic cure. If you find one, please let me know.
 
Good idea on the glossary. I think CSA stands for Childhood Sexual Abuse.

Zipser
 
I definitely relate to this. I've never been able to see sex as a healthy, good thing.

My only advice, from painful experience, is that you address this head on with your wife and clarify for her that you need real sensitivity around this issue. Maybe scheduling a date night or some other way of making sex a regular thing will help minimize the anxiety.

Lacking some type of direct approach, this issue has the potential to grow into an enormous problem. Trust me on that.
 
Grunty
what you wrote sounded familiar to me, unfortunately.

We've tried discussing it between us, and things did improve.
But the thing we found was that I felt bad about initiating sex because I felt like an abuser, and she felt bad incase I thought her actions made me feel like she was an abuser.

It's bloody hard to seperate 'abuser' and 'sex'- I think it comes down to the dynamics of the abuse of power that was a major part of our abuse.
Perhaps we focus on the sexual aspect of our abuse too much?

Dave
 
For me, I felt dirty also, espescially since I had become a male whore at one point. Nonetheless, in time,I was able to enjoy sex again. The problem was with my boyfriend. His "protector" nature was so strong that he was afraid he would cause me pain by initiating sex. Took a long time, but we are both able to make the first move, and are both able to say no also.
 
Wow guys! I'm pretty blown away by the quick and many responses. Guess I wasn't the only 'wierd' guy with these feelings. I also felt guilty after posting this, thinking to myself "how can you talk about something like this to others?", but your responses tell me that it was ok and in fact, where else could I go? You guys are all experts (in these issues) if you ask me. Thankyou so much for your input.

To respond to a couple of questions, yes my wife does know about my past abuse and I've told her why I get anxious if I have to regularly initiate sex. She says she understands my past and every time I reminder her of our lack of frequency, and my concern about initiating she acknowledges that fact and says she'll work in it but still...

Also, the suggestion to post this in Friends and Family is a great idea; I hadn't even thought of that even though I use the forum myself. Doh! - thankyou "Reality2K4", and also "Dan88"; what an amazing idea to schedule intimate time. It might sound very mechanical and unromantic to some but it struck a chord with me. Let's face it, it's not all that romantic if you feel guilty for asking in the first case. I look at the "scheduled" thing like agreeing to do a mutual walk around the neighbourhood each Monday & Wednesday. If you didn't plan for it, it would probably just slip by week after week. That's exactly what happens with my sex life anyway, so I think I'll try this.

On the abrreviation I used of CSA, I'm sorry if I took liberties and created some confusion. I actually picked them up here anyway within my short time here. In my understanding CSA is Childhood Sexual Assault, but the other one suggested would probably also apply - Chronic Sexual Abuse. On that though, isn't all sexual abuse chronic in it's effects and damage?

Thankyou all, and if others have input please do so and don't think this is me signing off on this post.
 
You know, of course, that we are not the only ones who have experiences in this area. The rest of the world, actually.

But with us it's exaggerated because of the CSA.
Everyone has made such good suggestions. You all sound like marriage therapists.
Scheduling, making dates, taking time, going to a favorite place...my sister and I were conceived at a favorite location of our folks. NO, it wasn't Bluberry Hill, it was Yellow Lake. So, even in the cave man days, folks were thinking and planning these get togethers.

And the yin and yan of sex, geeze, we could compile a book.

I guess I'm adding this because in this area we're not too different from our normal brothers and sisters.

My partner and I have a beautiful, newer addition of "The Art of Love," that is done with sketched models. It concentrates on erotic massage. It's got some wonderful ideas for both partners.

Wishing you all more fulfilling sex,

David
 
Grunty,
You might want to look back at your relationship a bit and your sex history. I know that always having to initiate was a problem for me after I disclosed to my wife, and was surprised when I confronted her about it. I had forgotten the several years when I was so unconfortable with sex that I turned her down most nights. I was in my "prime" and there were times I turned her down every day for a month, or would just avoid her or fall asleep on the couch. I never thought about how this affected her until I brought up my issue with initiating. sometimes its hard to look outside ourselves and see what our partners are going through having to deal with our sexuality as well as theirs. try to realize that she may be alittle gun shy if you turned her down in the past. I know for my wife and I on nights when she initiates she is very hurt if I'm not totaly honest about how I'm feeling and what I want, which is very hard for me. I hope you find some middle ground.

-aardvark
 
I have a question in this area but 2 me it no make since. My problem is the oppoosite. I have a low sex drive and don't like sex at all but my wife does and she get's mad cuz she alway's initates it an thinks i no love her n stuff cuz i'm not really active in the sex area. It's so hard 4 me 2 have sex most of the time, or i guess i could say all of the time, someone else comes out n takes over 4 me cuz i can't handle it. N that's also a reason i no want 2 have sex cuz i'm afraid 2 see what would happen if she found out that i switch during sex. sorry, -Donnie
 
Sorry, i forgot 2 put in my question, is it normal 2 have feelings like this or should my feelins b the other way?
 
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