Informed consent, and recreational drug use.
Hi there, I wanted to pass this by you all, and get your perspectives on it, because, quite frankly, I'm not sure anymore how to interpret some things that have happened in my adult life.
Years ago, I use to be something of a "psychonaut", and I regularly used substances recreationally. Needless to say, my experimental phase is behind me, and quite frankly, I experimented so much, I became bored with it, and I probably wouldn't have done any of it if I wasn't getting it for free. Anyway, it's not so much my reasons or motivations for having done so at the time, as it is with how it effected my judgment at one particular point.
I was at a party with some new friends of mine, and they had ketamine, and they let me try some. So I did, voluntarily, and I got high. This was after most of the guests had led the party. Eventually, it was just me, and my two new friends, a couple who I had met a few weeks earlier. The couple invited me to join them for a threesome, and so I did... but I still high.
Eventually, we moved into a place together, and were roommates for a few years. I never did anything sexual with either of them ever again. I lived with the women a few years after the man had left, after they parted ways. Again, we never did anything sexual ever again. She's since moved out, and since, our friendship has gone completely south. She became belligerent with me, emotionally abusive, and so fourth. While I moved on from our days of heavy drug use, she continued on into a downward spiral with her cocaine addiction, which was eventually replaced with an amphetamine addiction, etc. All the while, I played the nice guy/ yes man/ enabler to her increasingly toxic personality and behavior. Currently, I still have her things stored at my place, while she was footloose, living in her van in southern California.
But she's back, for one reason or another, and wants her things back, and I'd be more than happy for her to get her stuff, and get lost, because, quite frankly, I'm done being the perpetual push over, and putting up with her abusiveness. She is quite possibly the most belligerent person I have ever known. She's a human wrecking ball, I use to stand by and watch as she destroyed men's reputations after dating and dumping them... in a small town, where she was a relative new comer. I stood by, watched, enabled, even encouraged her destructiveness. So, yeah, as a friend, I played my part by not calling her on her bs, her self-destructiveness, nor did I just walk away. I fully acknowledge that, now. But she is an adult, and she's therefore responsible for her own behavior, and all the resulting consequences.
But now she's coming back to get her stuff, and I'm accommodating her by letting her come onto the property to pick it up. We had an agreement about her storing her things here, and so I'm holding up my end of the agreement.
The thing is, is that I really, really, really dread having to be around her. And it isn't just because I let myself get sucked into a codependent friendship with her (witch, to me, sounds ridiculous for a grown man to say), there's something more, something much, much deeper. Well, today, after seeing a friends post on facebook related to male survivors of sexual assault, it occurred to me... whenever I think back to that time I slept with her and her partner, I don't think of it fondly... I've never felt good about it. I've never really felt quite right about it, and it just occurred to me today that I feel this way, after having had sex with someone while under the influence of drugs. Drugs they knew I was on, although they were high at the time as well.
The problem is, is I can't figure out if I was in fact able to give consent, or if they were able to receive it. Was I assaulted? For that matter, were they (they were just as high as I was)? Was it all completely voluntary? Why do I dread being around this women so much, this person who I use to consider one of my closest friends, and even lived and worked with for years? Perhaps I'm still in shock from how emotionally abusive she has become... but this is bothering me for some reason. I've realized that I regret that night, and that I was under the influence, and that I did something I wouldn't have done if I wasn't high.
I'm not really interested in pointing fingers, and laying blame. We were all playing with fire. I just feel like I've hit upon something that I really need to sort out in my head, and, well, I kind of need to check in with you guys, and get some other perspectives on this. Was I assaulted, or did I make my own bed, and now I have to lie in it? It's complicated, yet I can't help but connect my sense of dread to her and to that night.
And just to contextualize this; I do believe that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm fairly certain my abuser was a grown women, and quite possibly a doctor, or some other medical personnel. My memories around this are rather confusing, as I remember it as a witness, and not so much a participant. But the images of it have always been their, in my memory, from since about the age of four. But I suffer frequent bouts of disassociation, and I often feel alienated or distanced from my own memories... even as an adult, I feel detached from memories that should illicit all kinds of old feelings, but they don't. It doesn't help that I was raised by extremely emotionally invalidating parents, who even invalidated my memories of things, and perception of situations... so now I've come to internalize that invalidation. I'm not sure how to verify and validate these feelings and memories, and that's kind of why I'm here.
btw, I realize people here have their own opinions about mind altering substances, and non-traditional sexual activity and relationships... but that's not what I'm here to discuss. I'm not interested in being judged on secular or religious grounds for my past or current lifestyle choices. I'm here for sober thought and reflection, that's all. I'm sure there's people who would disapprove of my home brewing and love of craft beers. To each their own.
Any helpful insight, support, and/or perspectives would really be appreciated. Thanks guys.
Years ago, I use to be something of a "psychonaut", and I regularly used substances recreationally. Needless to say, my experimental phase is behind me, and quite frankly, I experimented so much, I became bored with it, and I probably wouldn't have done any of it if I wasn't getting it for free. Anyway, it's not so much my reasons or motivations for having done so at the time, as it is with how it effected my judgment at one particular point.
I was at a party with some new friends of mine, and they had ketamine, and they let me try some. So I did, voluntarily, and I got high. This was after most of the guests had led the party. Eventually, it was just me, and my two new friends, a couple who I had met a few weeks earlier. The couple invited me to join them for a threesome, and so I did... but I still high.
Eventually, we moved into a place together, and were roommates for a few years. I never did anything sexual with either of them ever again. I lived with the women a few years after the man had left, after they parted ways. Again, we never did anything sexual ever again. She's since moved out, and since, our friendship has gone completely south. She became belligerent with me, emotionally abusive, and so fourth. While I moved on from our days of heavy drug use, she continued on into a downward spiral with her cocaine addiction, which was eventually replaced with an amphetamine addiction, etc. All the while, I played the nice guy/ yes man/ enabler to her increasingly toxic personality and behavior. Currently, I still have her things stored at my place, while she was footloose, living in her van in southern California.
But she's back, for one reason or another, and wants her things back, and I'd be more than happy for her to get her stuff, and get lost, because, quite frankly, I'm done being the perpetual push over, and putting up with her abusiveness. She is quite possibly the most belligerent person I have ever known. She's a human wrecking ball, I use to stand by and watch as she destroyed men's reputations after dating and dumping them... in a small town, where she was a relative new comer. I stood by, watched, enabled, even encouraged her destructiveness. So, yeah, as a friend, I played my part by not calling her on her bs, her self-destructiveness, nor did I just walk away. I fully acknowledge that, now. But she is an adult, and she's therefore responsible for her own behavior, and all the resulting consequences.
But now she's coming back to get her stuff, and I'm accommodating her by letting her come onto the property to pick it up. We had an agreement about her storing her things here, and so I'm holding up my end of the agreement.
The thing is, is that I really, really, really dread having to be around her. And it isn't just because I let myself get sucked into a codependent friendship with her (witch, to me, sounds ridiculous for a grown man to say), there's something more, something much, much deeper. Well, today, after seeing a friends post on facebook related to male survivors of sexual assault, it occurred to me... whenever I think back to that time I slept with her and her partner, I don't think of it fondly... I've never felt good about it. I've never really felt quite right about it, and it just occurred to me today that I feel this way, after having had sex with someone while under the influence of drugs. Drugs they knew I was on, although they were high at the time as well.
The problem is, is I can't figure out if I was in fact able to give consent, or if they were able to receive it. Was I assaulted? For that matter, were they (they were just as high as I was)? Was it all completely voluntary? Why do I dread being around this women so much, this person who I use to consider one of my closest friends, and even lived and worked with for years? Perhaps I'm still in shock from how emotionally abusive she has become... but this is bothering me for some reason. I've realized that I regret that night, and that I was under the influence, and that I did something I wouldn't have done if I wasn't high.
I'm not really interested in pointing fingers, and laying blame. We were all playing with fire. I just feel like I've hit upon something that I really need to sort out in my head, and, well, I kind of need to check in with you guys, and get some other perspectives on this. Was I assaulted, or did I make my own bed, and now I have to lie in it? It's complicated, yet I can't help but connect my sense of dread to her and to that night.
And just to contextualize this; I do believe that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm fairly certain my abuser was a grown women, and quite possibly a doctor, or some other medical personnel. My memories around this are rather confusing, as I remember it as a witness, and not so much a participant. But the images of it have always been their, in my memory, from since about the age of four. But I suffer frequent bouts of disassociation, and I often feel alienated or distanced from my own memories... even as an adult, I feel detached from memories that should illicit all kinds of old feelings, but they don't. It doesn't help that I was raised by extremely emotionally invalidating parents, who even invalidated my memories of things, and perception of situations... so now I've come to internalize that invalidation. I'm not sure how to verify and validate these feelings and memories, and that's kind of why I'm here.
btw, I realize people here have their own opinions about mind altering substances, and non-traditional sexual activity and relationships... but that's not what I'm here to discuss. I'm not interested in being judged on secular or religious grounds for my past or current lifestyle choices. I'm here for sober thought and reflection, that's all. I'm sure there's people who would disapprove of my home brewing and love of craft beers. To each their own.
Any helpful insight, support, and/or perspectives would really be appreciated. Thanks guys.
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