Possible trigger warningsOne of my abusers was my preteen/teen sister. Now I am both incredibly turned on and scared to death of middle school girls. The thought of them getting off by playing with little boys is a HUGE masturbatory fantasy of mine. I carry around a lot of guilt because of this.
You are not alone! That may be part of the reason I did not have a girl friend in my school years either, but I was facing incredible challenges that everyone just ignored. I don't know how I got through my teenage years without killing myself, but I did somehow. I felt completely abandoned, at times unloved, not worthy of anyone's help, and felt like I was just getting in the way of the rest of my family. As a matter of fact, I don't know how I even lived in the first place as I had some bad health problems starting the day I was born. Put into ICU for 2 months, obviously my mother could not spend that time with me so I was left all alone with another 100 or whatever screaming other infants. Then 7 months later I got croup and ended up again in ICU with the croup and at one point the docs didn't think I would live the night, but I did. Many times I wish I had survived that first year, still do sometimes, because now I have other health problems some of them created by the very docs themselves who are supposed to help you.
Ok, so a bunch of that was very off topic, but yes because of young pre-teen abuse it often leads to boys reaching out to satisfy ourselves by sexually "living" those moments and doing so over and over again. I tried many times to stop those thoughts, but I couldn't. I was also a very early bloomer, starting at 11 years of age. That created another whole wrath of problems that again I became victim to once again by my same age play mate. Then, when I got sick, my family doc raped me during an admission exam to hospital, something that would haunt me for my life. I have just felt like I have been used by others, no thought about what I needed or wanted, creating a life long living torment! I did not know what to do, certainly taking my life would have put a stop to some of these abuses, but anyways, that exam the doc did to me, was almost the last hateful thing ever done to me because in a sense, I did die from that illness - turned out to be encephalitis!
Don't be too hard on yourself, but try to seek some counselling, some therapy and perhaps there is medication out there that in conjunction with therapy can help you change to healthier fantasies.