Inappropriate thoughts about kids

[Bornfree]

One of my abusers was my preteen/teen sister. Now I am both incredibly turned on and scared to death of middle school girls. The thought of them getting off by playing with little boys is a HUGE masturbatory fantasy of mine. I carry around a lot of guilt because of this.

Possible trigger warnings
You are not alone! That may be part of the reason I did not have a girl friend in my school years either, but I was facing incredible challenges that everyone just ignored. I don't know how I got through my teenage years without killing myself, but I did somehow. I felt completely abandoned, at times unloved, not worthy of anyone's help, and felt like I was just getting in the way of the rest of my family. As a matter of fact, I don't know how I even lived in the first place as I had some bad health problems starting the day I was born. Put into ICU for 2 months, obviously my mother could not spend that time with me so I was left all alone with another 100 or whatever screaming other infants. Then 7 months later I got croup and ended up again in ICU with the croup and at one point the docs didn't think I would live the night, but I did. Many times I wish I had survived that first year, still do sometimes, because now I have other health problems some of them created by the very docs themselves who are supposed to help you.
Ok, so a bunch of that was very off topic, but yes because of young pre-teen abuse it often leads to boys reaching out to satisfy ourselves by sexually "living" those moments and doing so over and over again. I tried many times to stop those thoughts, but I couldn't. I was also a very early bloomer, starting at 11 years of age. That created another whole wrath of problems that again I became victim to once again by my same age play mate. Then, when I got sick, my family doc raped me during an admission exam to hospital, something that would haunt me for my life. I have just felt like I have been used by others, no thought about what I needed or wanted, creating a life long living torment! I did not know what to do, certainly taking my life would have put a stop to some of these abuses, but anyways, that exam the doc did to me, was almost the last hateful thing ever done to me because in a sense, I did die from that illness - turned out to be encephalitis!

Don't be too hard on yourself, but try to seek some counselling, some therapy and perhaps there is medication out there that in conjunction with therapy can help you change to healthier fantasies.

 

[ablejones67]

Does anyone else have a problem with their thoughts creeping into their dreams?

 

[benb]

Does anyone else have a problem with their thoughts creeping into their dreams?

Yes, they sneak in when you least expect it.

 

[Troy86]

It’s more common than I could ever imagine. I always thought I was alone in those thoughts. I appreciate everyone who has posted on this topic.

 

[ablejones67]

I second what Troy said!

 

[Bornfree]

Why are we all so cursed!

 

[MO-Survivor]

Guys, I'm going to make a hypothesis based on recent experience, and based on what I discussed in this post before. Today, my thoughts wandered not necessarily to inappropriate thoughts, but thoughts about kids in general and interacting with them. And yes... sometimes if my thoughts head this way and I linger - inappropriate ones can pop up too.

So today, I diverted my thoughts away. But the next thing that came to me was a desire instead to go read the detailed story I wrote about my pre-teen and teen years, which includes detailed accounts of my abuse and my struggles as a teenager. FYI - this is not my Survivor Story I have posted here on MS. Instead it is my personal detailed story, and is about 64 pages long! This story embodies the young boy I was, as well as the teen kid I was. So in a way - that's where they live, in addition to living inside me, if that makes sense.

So, my hypothesis is this: just like acting out (masturbation, hook-ups that we know aren't helping us but we do anyway, etc.), thoughts like these are also filling our hearts and minds out of the disconnect between us and the boy and / or teen parts of ourselves. This hypothesis has been continually reinforced inside me. When that boy or teen in you is emotionally triggered - for whatever reason, I really think he's trying to get your attention. He wants love, compassion, connection and attention. But because of the disconnect we've had with him most of our lives, the boy / teen isn't who comes to mind. Instead, our mind finds someone (some other kid) more accessible - because the boy / teen within us has been and is still very inaccessible.

To alleviate and heal this:

• You must find your way to that boy and / or teen inside you. And connect with him - on an intimate and emotional level. How this happens for you may not be the same as for someone else
• Once you have created a connection (and you will know when you have, because you will actually feel all the emotion your boy and / or teen self felt and still feels), keep the connection open. Practice self-talk to those younger parts of yourself frequently
• Then, when inappropriate thoughts pop into your mind, you are now armed with the ability to redirect yourself and start asking questions - of yourself, and of your younger self: "Hey kid, what is it? Are you trying to get my attention? Do you need connection? Let's go talk for a while."

Sadly, this won't stop all inappropriate thoughts from popping up in your mind. But the frequency of these thoughts will decrease. And when they do come to mind, you will be more self-aware of your need to connect with the part of you who is hurting for some reason in order to alleviate the emotions that are driving the thoughts in the first place.

 

[Jonny999]

That's scary, I mean thoughts come and go. I guess what I have to is ask myself is, do I dwell on them or berate myself for being weak, because I had thoughts like that. I don't think either of these ways helps me any. Because of the abuse I endured in my early years, I can see beyond the outside feelings. Even as a child, the nerve endings are all there, so even an unused nerve tract once woken, can never be put back to sleep. So yes, children can experience sexual feelings, but they don't understand what that overall means, so when it's over and they continue to grow up, many messages are learned. Everything from its bad to it wasn't your fault and even sometimes it was your fault or just ignored all together. So when we as kids have that first experience as a kid, is it not normal fir those feelings to come back? Even if it's woth rose colored glasses. Does that mean we are alike our Perpetrators? I don't think so, but I also don't think we should beat ourselves up over thoughts that may enter my head.

 

[JeremyCA]

I am new here, but this is a powerful thread/topic that is not easily discussed. I admire everyone's courage for being honest. Gives me much to think about. Thank you!

 

[JeremyCA]

I was afraid to ask about that. Thanks., yes I do fantasize about being with a 12 - 14 yr old boys but if I ever did I'd kill myself first! In reality, no I would not have a sexual relationship with a boy!, as much as I think I'd like to. I just couldn't see myself screwing up another kid!

I feel like this must be common, considering what happened to us. It is tough to process. Thank you for sharing!

 

[Visitor]

I think we all know that on some level the trauma we experienced sexualized us and those experiences spilled over into our lives and our fantasies. I read about how trauma sexualizes boys before I actually remembered my own grooming by older boys living next door. I eventually put the pieces together to understand they were part of a three generation family of pedophiles. The boys thought all play was sexual. That is what being sexualized is all about. I didn't fantasize about being sexual with boys simply because I didn't remember any of the abuse until I was decades older. I did recall one occasion when a neighbor who was also ten or eleven and I were with a younger boy and something sexual was being talked about... the boy's mother arrived and took him away before anything could happen. I think she was fearful we were up to something, but if we were it was not intentional... it was just the way the conversation was unfolding.

It makes sense that what we remember of those early sexual experiences would remain in our consciousness. That we would feel both intrigued and shamed by those feelings isn't surprising. What is important is not to act on those feelings AND to have compassion for ourselves for being ensnared in the traumatic world we've known as children. Talking about these feelings here is actually a very healthy response to it all. I read the relief in many of the posts on this thread. We don't have to pretend we weren't sexualized by the trauma we experienced. I fully understand now how all the sexual acting out I did as a teen and adult, was rooted in trauma. It really couldn't have been otherwise.

Please be gentle with yourselves. Sometimes we create suffering for ourselves and others, but that doesn't make us bad people. All we've ever done is try to survive while carrying the residue of trauma. Now is time to heal and this is a fine place to do just that.

 

[JeremyCA]

I think we all know that on some level the trauma we experienced sexualized us and those experiences spilled over into our lives and our fantasies. I read about how trauma sexualizes boys before I actually remembered my own grooming by older boys living next door. I eventually put the pieces together to understand they were part of a three generation family of pedophiles. The boys thought all play was sexual. That is what being sexualized is all about. I didn't fantasize about being sexual with boys simply because I didn't remember any of the abuse until I was decades older. I did recall one occasion when a neighbor who was also ten or eleven and I were with a younger boy and something sexual was being talked about... the boy's mother arrived and took him away before anything could happen. I think she was fearful we were up to something, but if we were it was not intentional... it was just the way the conversation was unfolding.

It makes sense that what we remember of those early sexual experiences would remain in our consciousness. That we would feel both intrigued and shamed by those feelings isn't surprising. What is important is not to act on those feelings AND to have compassion for ourselves for being ensnared in the traumatic world we've known as children. Talking about these feelings here is actually a very healthy response to it all. I read the relief in many of the posts on this thread. We don't have to pretend we weren't sexualized by the trauma we experienced. I fully understand now how all the sexual acting out I did as a teen and adult, was rooted in trauma. It really couldn't have been otherwise.

Please be gentle with yourselves. Sometimes we create suffering for ourselves and others, but that doesn't make us bad people. All we've ever done is try to survive while carrying the residue of trauma. Now is time to heal and this is a fine place to do just that.

This response was very helpful to me - thank you for sharing.

 

[Visitor]

This response was very helpful to me - thank you for sharing.

Keep reading Jeremy and when you feel prepared to share more about your journey please do. We're really all finding our way through very difficult territory, cognizant of the fact those who've been here for some time likely have learned a few things that will be helpful for us. We really heal together, though we each need to face our own demons. But we don't need to do that alone. I'm glad you found us. You're more than welcome to join this fine assemblage of men.