Inappropriate thoughts about kids

une.vie.d.espoir

Registrant
Hi Not, how are you ?

Yes you are right they were pepples that did shout after us, and yes it did scare me but not all of them abuse me. I was abuse by my dad also by 2 man and was consenting whit another man. My psychologist led me to understand that it was sexual abuse and not consent given the age difference. I was 13 and he was 42. I just want to share whit you Not that even it did scare me that I was manipulate when i was shout at it was way better than to be exploited sexualy. It lead me to being confused, to being nothing, to worrying and especially to my being invisible. Take care of yourself Not are fault.

Jp

“I always love to walk under the rain because I could cry and no one knew why “
 

Steve E.

Registrant
the only men that are into me, are the type to have abused and raped me. the old men hiding their sexuality, taking out their aggressions... that's all who have ever wanted anything to do with me. Younger guys (18+) want nothing to do with a fat ugly useless POS like me.
didi97, please don’t talk about yourself like that. It’s not true, even if your mind tells you so. Best wishes, Steve
 
thanks steve.

even if i don't say it it rings in my head all day anyway
If it rings in your head all day anyway say to yourself "THAT IS A LIE! I HAVE VALUE AND WORTH! I AM LOVED AND CAPABLE OF GIVING AND RECEIVING LOVE." Say it even when you do not believe it! Being raped and molested as a young boy taught me a lot about hatred... hatred for the perpetrators and their enablers and those who let them get away with it and most of all hatred for myself and thoughts and desires for any sort of sex outside of monogamous marriage is a self destructive path which potentially leads to promisuous thoughts and behaviors in seeking acceptance and love from others because our thoughts, minds and emotions were torn to shreds and seeking validation though "depraved" thought and behaviors was/is or can be a coping mechanism that we think provides relief from pain and validation that we are worthy but that is all a lie. YOU ARE NOT A POS. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. Overeating may have made you overweight but even overeating is a coping mechanism to dull the pain which you did NOT deserve. Others were cruel to you and used you when you were young... DO NOT BE CRUEL TO YOURSELF. YOU ARE LOVED. Faith has helped me. I offer that for what it is worth. I know talk of faith triggers some people and I understand that. The only real faith you need is in yourself and know you have value and worth. YOU ARE NOT A POS
 

TryingtoHeal

Registrant
So I think that these feelings are actually deep seeded thoughts of sexual abuse and that the young boys could be you thinking of yourself while at the age you were abused at. I had to become completely celibate to get those thoughts to stop. I would like to work that out but have not found my way forward yet. This is a hard conversation, one that is important. So thanks for the topic.

I have experience out of body observations of me looking down at what was happening to me. Like it was just happening also seeing myself in the third person.

The shame and guilt does not belong to you, it belonged to the person/people that abused you. Be kind to yourself you were not at fault.
I agree completely. I have experiened the third person also.
 
So I think that these feelings are actually deep seeded thoughts of sexual abuse and that the young boys could be you thinking of yourself while at the age you were abused at. I had to become completely celibate to get those thoughts to stop. I would like to work that out but have not found my way forward yet. This is a hard conversation, one that is important. So thanks for the topic.

I have experience out of body observations of me looking down at what was happening to me. Like it was just happening also seeing myself in the third person.

The shame and guilt does not belong to you, it belonged to the person/people that abused you. Be kind to yourself you were not at fault.
Yes Esterio - this is a very good perspective and a good way to think about this topic. I have also had out of body observations while I was being raped... you worded this well and a good way to look at this topic. Our brains and mode ot thinking about sex were all messed up at a young age and was embedded in our minds and we are trying to process these tangled up wires and get them all straightened out... our ways of thinking about sex and sexuality were distorted by these life altering callouse acts of barbarism perpetrated by people who treated us as objects rather than persons with a heart, mind and soul.
 

TryingtoHeal

Registrant
I have had a re-occuring fantasy that there was a girl my age that had gone through the same abuse with me. I think a lot of it had to do with wanting someone to understand because of my feelings of loneliness and all the negative reactions or misunderstandings I have had from females when I tried to explain my abuse.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
@Bornfree @JBP The thoughts that torment survivors are often based on the abuse we suffered. The shame that goes along with them can be so destructive. It is vital to ones well being to understand that we can control our actions, not what goes running through our brains. The fact that you do not have any intention of inflicting abuse on children is the only thing that really matters. The thoughts or fantasies that go through the mind are simply the leftovers of your abuse. They are nothing to beat yourself up over.
But what scares me, is that there is another person 4000kms away from where I live, with the same name and birthday as me but with a criminal sexual history! I have to be careful what I say. I have to be careful what I see! I cannot legally volunteer anywhere unless I get fingerprinted every year, and it makes me feel like I'm the criminal, so I gave up that too now, so now I don't volunteer!
 

didi97

Registrant
If it rings in your head all day anyway say to yourself "THAT IS A LIE! I HAVE VALUE AND WORTH! I AM LOVED AND CAPABLE OF GIVING AND RECEIVING LOVE." Say it even when you do not believe it! Being raped and molested as a young boy taught me a lot about hatred... hatred for the perpetrators and their enablers and those who let them get away with it and most of all hatred for myself and thoughts and desires for any sort of sex outside of monogamous marriage is a self destructive path which potentially leads to promisuous thoughts and behaviors in seeking acceptance and love from others because our thoughts, minds and emotions were torn to shreds and seeking validation though "depraved" thought and behaviors was/is or can be a coping mechanism that we think provides relief from pain and validation that we are worthy but that is all a lie. YOU ARE NOT A POS. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. Overeating may have made you overweight but even overeating is a coping mechanism to dull the pain which you did NOT deserve. Others were cruel to you and used you when you were young... DO NOT BE CRUEL TO YOURSELF. YOU ARE LOVED. Faith has helped me. I offer that for what it is worth. I know talk of faith triggers some people and I understand that. The only real faith you need is in yourself and know you have value and worth. YOU ARE NOT A POS
Then I'd spend all day lying to myself. I just don't know anymore. I just can't get it out my head, or get something else in. I am not loved, no one is here for me. I am not capable of giving love because I can't even begin to understand love. it's entirely foreign to me. So how will I ever receive it...
Was just called ugly this morning. As I am most days on dating apps. Not that I have any hope of meeting anyone any other way. I'm fat and ugly and for gay men, that's a death sentence. Because who could possibly want to be around me. There's nothing to look at, nothing worth being friends with.
I try surrendering to faith, but G-d isn't coming for me. There's no one coming back for me. It's always just been me on my own
 

focusedbody

Registrant
didi97:

Having compassion for oneself may be an important first step. I have found that forgiveness can come after attending to myself with a developing sense of care.

FB
 
I can't even begin to understand love. it's entirely foreign to me. So how will I ever receive it...
As focusedbody wrote, "Having compassion for oneself may be an important first step. I have found that forgiveness can come after attending to myself with a developing sense of care."
Start by loving yourself. You are correct in that none of us can ever understand love, but just because we cannot understand it does not mean we cannot experience it. People on this site (as well as people you know in your life I am sure) care for you and have empathy for you and care for you but you do not see it because you do not believe it and you do not accept it - but it is still true... give yourself permission to believe it and start by valuing yourself even if you feel others may think you are fat and ugly know that the person you are is indeed of value and worth despite what some others may think. You are not here by accident. You do have value and worth. It is hard to "believe" that in your heart when you don't "see it" - it is there, reframe your thoughts and start to care for yourself and the world around you will change. Peace.
 

didi97

Registrant
As focusedbody wrote, "Having compassion for oneself may be an important first step. I have found that forgiveness can come after attending to myself with a developing sense of care."
Start by loving yourself. You are correct in that none of us can ever understand love, but just because we cannot understand it does not mean we cannot experience it. People on this site (as well as people you know in your life I am sure) care for you and have empathy for you and care for you but you do not see it because you do not believe it and you do not accept it - but it is still true... give yourself permission to believe it and start by valuing yourself even if you feel others may think you are fat and ugly know that the person you are is indeed of value and worth despite what some others may think. You are not here by accident. You do have value and worth. It is hard to "believe" that in your heart when you don't "see it" - it is there, reframe your thoughts and start to care for yourself and the world around you will change. Peace.
Thanks IA. But I still don't have a single idea how to start caring or loving or whatever-ing myself. Because all I know is how ugly and disgusting i am. and there's just nothing there to love.
 

Fabio_SP

Registrant
I was molested by old men, and now I feel sexual attraction toward them (old men)
 

Fabio_SP

Registrant
I"ve been trying to get help for years now... the last few months have been actual hell. Since my last suicide attempt, I just have nothing left in me to fight... Everything is a fight, just access to basic services is a fight, just trying to find anyone who I can afford for therapy is a fight, everything... there's nothing in this life for me but suffering... and I need to accept that...
I got u, I wish I could help u, but I don't have a degree in anything and I'm not good at English either (because is not my native language), I tried to kill myself too many times, but please, don't do that to yourself, I don't have a life too, but I want to live (I'm also schizophrenic), and I understand the torment thoughts telling that the is all your fault, but please, don't let the crazy voices to manipulate you !
You are the victim here, not the person to blame for. These thoughts of your (attraction for kids), is only happening because you were and are the victim of the monsters (pedos), do not let them to hurt yourself, I 'm sorry again for not having a degree to help you, but know that the best option here is therapy ( I didn't understand the part that you wrote about therapy) and medication (if is needed it).
You have these thoughts, but you know that you won't do anything to any kid (deep inside you know that)
Please, stay safe, this is my sincere wishes to you
 

detour

Registrant
I have a 20 year old kid who I have to interact with professionally frequently who was sexually abused by his father. I don't know how he did it, but somehow he was able to peace together some of my baggage. Being young he is still very sexually driven and he frequently flirts and tries to act enticing. Though I have been kind to him, I do find him very annoying half the time but every now and then he does trigger me. I just let it go, or I tell him [and me] to just "knock it off' or I tell him he is beginning to become inappropriate. As of late he has started to hint around about someone in his neighborhood that he is beginning to develop some sort of relationship with. I try not to ask questions because I really don't want to know. But I don't enjoy the tension at all. I am really hoping he gets assigned to someone else so I don't have to deal with it anymore.
My job description does not include any level of therapy of this nature. It's just dumb luck that he has this background. This too shall pass I suppose.
 

Farm medic

Registrant
THIS is the very thing that pushed me into seeking out a T. Sitting in my work truck after a long cold day of cutting down trees, sobbing my eyes out. Knowing that if I didn’t talk to someone soon, I would do something that I would regret for the rest of my life.
My abuse occurred at Scout camp at the age of 16, not by a family member. Immediately afterwards, I buried the memory. This left me going thru one of the most challenging times in my life with a raft of subconscious motivations. Dating in high school was fraught to say the least. Following my SA, I didn’t have sexual contact till the end of my senior year. It certainly made being on the wrestling team weird. When I did have actual penetration sex it was typical teenage fumbling. Some of it bordered on date rape. It was never enjoyable. For either of us really. I wasn’t one to force the issue, I merely took advantage.
In college, among 56,000 other students, I was crushingly awkward. Spending long hours in the restroom of the main library beating off the the stall wall graffiti. I ate tons of LSD and wrestled with “am I gay?” I never did find an answer back then. No one wanted to get near the seething mass of rage anxiety conflict confusion that was me.
I was able to remember the CSA in my senior year of college and that helped me some. Just getting out on my own among working class heroes helped more. But eventually I realized that they weren’t like me. They were brutal shortsighted pigs looking to rutt. Then I discovered body modification and bdsm. A way to punish myself for being a monster. My depravity deepened. I never did have sexual contact with a man but silicone is an amazing substance and I wore out several “toys” while living in an old industrial space. This was 2000, and the internet was young. I found erotica, way better than the Penthouse letters, I discovered written incest and pedophilia stories. Always deeper into the darkness, but alone with my imagination, seeing the stories I was reading, and never telling a soul. Married cheated divorced. I was a filthy whore. Luckily not a diseased one. Never did find a gay man who I wanted to have sex with. Found a couple of straight ones though. They were flattered but uninterested. My inner sex life was a sewer. Remarried, still silent about my fantasy world.
I mostly stomped around breaking things and being miserable. In spite of accomplishing some truly singular things.
With the case against the BSA going front page, along with the Epstein/Maxwell circus, and having turned 50, my body has begun to weaken, as had my resolve to keep it all bottled up. Seeing the outrage on social media, the calls for simply killing pedophiles, and then a good friend while an undisclosed porn addiction got arrested for possession of child porn, the walls began to creak. The stories weren’t enough. I began to fail sexually in bed. I began to look at the kids in town. My marriage began to teeter also.
“Am I gay?” became “Am I a pedophile?”
Last month there was a story in the local paper about a 45 year old man arrested for sexual contact with 10-13 year old girls. The line that’s stuck with me is that “these guys can usually keep it under control, until they can’t.”
I’m starting my 4th month of T, and I don’t know if it’s helping overall, but the teetering has stopped. The cracks, while not gone, aren’t getting bigger.
What I have learned is that once I lost my voice for what I wanted at the hands of an older man, I lost the boundaries that most people simply take for granted. In magick they say that “do as thou whilst is the whole of the law.” But there are always costs and consequences for doing so. I pushed right up to the edge. I know that stepping over that edge would end badly for me.
Now this isn’t to say that the culture/media in the US (read Hollywood) is making any of this any easier. And having access to the internet in my pocket is mind blowing. So for someone with weak boundaries, I have to walk a very narrow line. I keep to myself mostly. I actively avoided children. Hell, I got a vasectomy at 25 because I didn’t think I would be able to control myself.
So I keep going. Keep my guard up. Asking for help is (can be) worth the effort. Undoing 35 years of mental fuckery is a quick thing.
 
THIS is the very thing that pushed me into seeking out a T.
A lot of what you say resonates.
For me, in the early 90’s it was Usenet. The internet wasn’t yet broken out of the research and education community but the porn was there already.

Awkward doesn’t begin to describe my college years.

Im so grateful I found my wife, in my mid 20s. But the abuse went on - in my head. I forged my relationship with my abuser and abuse stronger and stronger over the years, though I never saw him past my 14th birthday.

And now, some 40 years after it started, I’m working to break those bonds so I can be free to love my wife unencumbered.

It’s so damn hard.
 

MO-Survivor

Greeter
Staff member
I have a 20 year old kid who I have to interact with professionally frequently who was sexually abused by his father. I don't know how he did it, but somehow he was able to peace together some of my baggage. Being young he is still very sexually driven and he frequently flirts and tries to act enticing. Though I have been kind to him, I do find him very annoying half the time but every now and then he does trigger me. I just let it go, or I tell him [and me] to just "knock it off' or I tell him he is beginning to become inappropriate. As of late he has started to hint around about someone in his neighborhood that he is beginning to develop some sort of relationship with. I try not to ask questions because I really don't want to know. But I don't enjoy the tension at all. I am really hoping he gets assigned to someone else so I don't have to deal with it anymore.
My job description does not include any level of therapy of this nature. It's just dumb luck that he has this background. This too shall pass I suppose.
Somehow, @detour, we do find each other. Such a strange thing, and no one I know of has every studied things to figure out what mannerisms, words, or other things that we do or say that clue use into each other. Maybe it's body language? I've questioned whether there is a spiritual component to how we do this? I don't know.
 
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