Hey guys,
I wanted to add a comment to this thread that I hope is helpful.
For those of you who have followed my story, you know that my therapist and I have had a lot of conversations about anger and rage - and the fact that I haven't and don't really feel or express those feelings about my father and / or the abuse. I can
cognitively acknowledge angry feelings, and I
can even feel them
a little. But I've never experienced anger about the abuse that's felt out of control, or that has completely set me on edge emotionally. At one point in 2021, my therapist finally explained to me why she kept going back and harping on and on about anger: "I'm afraid, in past therapy, that you were so focused on reconciliation and forgiveness with your father that you skipped over anger." She explained that anger is
always a part of abusive trauma that must be addressed.
I've been dialoguing since October with a friend here whose story is very similar to mine. In him, I've found someone who really "gets" me, and visa-versa. And as he's been sharing more and more about the shit he went through as a boy,
a door to the anger inside me finally cracked open. And one morning, while I was thinking about the things his abuser did to him, I had a
visceral outpouring of anger towards his abuser. I've never had that happen before - not towards my father, or for anyone else. In those moments that morning, I was so filled with rage I felt my chest might explode. I started praying lots of "Why???" prayers, full of anger at the terrible things that were done to him: a young, innocent boy deserving of love and safety. I even found myself crying angry tears in that moment.
Fast-forward to Christmas 2022. Like we usually do, my wife and kids and I drove a couple hours to my parents' house to meet up with my sister and her family, my uncle and his girlfriend, and my parents to do Christmas stuff for a couple days. We were there for 2 1/2 days in all, although my wife and I stayed nights in a hotel.
Then... it happened. From out of nowhere after we arrived, I found myself feeling extreme
anger and disgust towards my father. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, I didn't want to look him in the eyes, and I didn't want to talk with him. It was horribly uncomfortable, and I found myself wanting to run away and escape. Thank goodness we were able to leave to a hotel in the evening. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever known.
The next week after we returned home, I experienced two completely unexpected outcomes from feeling those newfound feelings. First, while I still experienced intrusive, aberrant thoughts at times, there was zero appeal to them. In fact, I was disgusted by them in a way I haven't been before. Second, when I thought about physical intimacy with my wife, for the first time in 25 years, I felt zero apprehension or anxiety. In fact, I actually
wanted her more than I ever have, and I welcomed the idea of sexual intimacy in a way I never have before. The only way I could describe what I was feeling was, "free." I felt free, and the flavor of freedom I felt was completely new to me; it was something I've never felt before.
So, my take-away for this thread is this:
until I allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and rage at what had been done to me, I had no choice but to entertain those intrusive thoughts.
So again, I say here: "
We cannot heal, what we do not feel." And I'll add to that, "
What we do not allow ourselves to feel, cannot be healed."
That said, I know we cannot simply will this to happen. It takes a lot of time and work to unbury feelings like these. It took me 50 years on this planet, and two years of intense therapy. But... change and healing
are possible.