Inappropriate thoughts about kids

Inappropriate thoughts about kids
Sometimes I am enthusiastic, get highly aroused and energetic. My partner likes it when I am in that state. Then I get an orgasm and I don't feel good anymore. For some time I do not get aroused, perhaps I felt I was behaving like my abuser, I can't tell. For me it is OK, but I don't like that my partner feels frustrated sometimes.
This is spot on, and it really messes with the mood. Sometimes, when I am in an enthusiastic state and I begin to play along or lead on to attention. I can unexpectedly have severe trigger and lose all connections I fall into a trance. This is frustrating for myself because I am at fault for upsetting my wife when I get her excited and suddenly can't make eye contact or talk, and I can't be touched. Of course I don't ever react when I dissociate but I turn into a dummy. A thing. It's never certain if I will get flash images, body sensation, full episode of attackers or other time the emotional aftermath that makes me unreachable. Even when I perform well and even enjoy myself. After I ejaculate I feel so dead inside. Most often I can not reach orgasm and I have made up clever excuses for years as to why I can't cum.
 
We feel shame because we don't believe we deserve to feel good, or that it's too dangerous to feel good, or that we only feel good when we're doing something terrible.
Very thing i my new T and i are discussing. I am not kind to my myself and do not allow myself to think positive thoughts of myself. As she says I have spent my life judging myself and its what i go to instantly it is just second nature to me, its what i know. Same as being one to put others first and “please” them just as I learned to do as a kid.

I have been here granted off and on for years but i still struggle even with all the therapy. I wish i could get past things and change but i feel i never will.
 
@Induna, for the past couple of hours I have been reading each and EVERY post on this thread up to this point, and what you wrote to @smc1972, was something that I needed to read. For a long time, I have hated myself and thought I was a coward for not doing something I ought to have done, and instead I ran and hid. (Literally as well as figuratively speaking). I need to work on believing that I too, did what I felt I needed to do to survive what I was going through. This is a big thing that I really need to work on. (And I guess I am still hiding as I have never really talked to anybody about it... certainly not the whole story, anyway.)

Again, thank you for that comment.
Ryan15 I have been away from writing here for a bit but visIt at time and i saw you had referenced me in part of this thread and it brought me back. I still have my struggles in life with everything and this is still a part of mine. It does suck yet i am greatful to know i am not alone in all this stuff that is confussig that i am not alone in being hard on myself over fears that are all in my head, the thinking that i know what others are thinking about me. I still regret what i have missed out on in being and uncle, this was one of an early topics with a new T and i broke down over it. Her thing to Me was that i was so overwhelmed in what i had experienced i was putting unreal thi gs on myself caused that is what i felt society would think one see in me even being unrealistic and that i cared so much for them i choose to extract myself from them over this untrue fear.
 
I have kept a lot of secrets about myself from others--including those who want(ed) to help me--because of all the shame and embarrassment I felt--and still do feel.
This is not uncommon. I did and sadly still do to a degree and this feeling was caused from the abuse and it permeated to all parts of like even non sexual stuff. Shame and embarrassment for me can be work stuff, making a mistake or misstatement, was this way in school growing up. I have come to learn the shame and or embarrassment i felt inside as a kid from things that were occurring i was doing carried across in to all aspects of my life. throw in being a bedwetter having unwanted erections as kid in things like gym or showers probably caused from the abuse things compounded. All i knew was shame or being embarrassed and feeling everyone thought negatively about me. So then to open up yo others espically a T was not and still is not easy. More than once i have told my T how in my mind i think she thinks things about me even though she has never nor has any T done that or ever did anything to indicate that.

I guess what i am trying to say, your not alone, it is hard to open up fully even after many sessions and time. I think we grew up lacking trust subconsciously and that is hard to change. Hang in there use here to get things out and know your not alone in any thing. Everyone has not had the same experiences but many have had pieces that are similar. However the impacts are unfortunately are very common.
 
Hey guys,

I wanted to add a comment to this thread that I hope is helpful.

For those of you who have followed my story, you know that my therapist and I have had a lot of conversations about anger and rage - and the fact that I haven't and don't really feel or express those feelings about my father and / or the abuse. I can cognitively acknowledge angry feelings, and I can even feel them a little. But I've never experienced anger about the abuse that's felt out of control, or that has completely set me on edge emotionally. At one point in 2021, my therapist finally explained to me why she kept going back and harping on and on about anger: "I'm afraid, in past therapy, that you were so focused on reconciliation and forgiveness with your father that you skipped over anger." She explained that anger is always a part of abusive trauma that must be addressed.

I've been dialoguing since October with a friend here whose story is very similar to mine. In him, I've found someone who really "gets" me, and visa-versa. And as he's been sharing more and more about the shit he went through as a boy, a door to the anger inside me finally cracked open. And one morning, while I was thinking about the things his abuser did to him, I had a visceral outpouring of anger towards his abuser. I've never had that happen before - not towards my father, or for anyone else. In those moments that morning, I was so filled with rage I felt my chest might explode. I started praying lots of "Why???" prayers, full of anger at the terrible things that were done to him: a young, innocent boy deserving of love and safety. I even found myself crying angry tears in that moment.

Fast-forward to Christmas 2022. Like we usually do, my wife and kids and I drove a couple hours to my parents' house to meet up with my sister and her family, my uncle and his girlfriend, and my parents to do Christmas stuff for a couple days. We were there for 2 1/2 days in all, although my wife and I stayed nights in a hotel. Then... it happened. From out of nowhere after we arrived, I found myself feeling extreme anger and disgust towards my father. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, I didn't want to look him in the eyes, and I didn't want to talk with him. It was horribly uncomfortable, and I found myself wanting to run away and escape. Thank goodness we were able to leave to a hotel in the evening. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever known.

The next week after we returned home, I experienced two completely unexpected outcomes from feeling those newfound feelings. First, while I still experienced intrusive, aberrant thoughts at times, there was zero appeal to them. In fact, I was disgusted by them in a way I haven't been before. Second, when I thought about physical intimacy with my wife, for the first time in 25 years, I felt zero apprehension or anxiety. In fact, I actually wanted her more than I ever have, and I welcomed the idea of sexual intimacy in a way I never have before. The only way I could describe what I was feeling was, "free." I felt free, and the flavor of freedom I felt was completely new to me; it was something I've never felt before.

So, my take-away for this thread is this: until I allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and rage at what had been done to me, I had no choice but to entertain those intrusive thoughts.

So again, I say here: "We cannot heal, what we do not feel." And I'll add to that, "What we do not allow ourselves to feel, cannot be healed."

That said, I know we cannot simply will this to happen. It takes a lot of time and work to unbury feelings like these. It took me 50 years on this planet, and two years of intense therapy. But... change and healing are possible.
 
Hey guys,

I wanted to add a comment to this thread that I hope is helpful.

For those of you who have followed my story, you know that my therapist and I have had a lot of conversations about anger and rage - and the fact that I haven't and don't really feel or express those feelings about my father and / or the abuse. I can cognitively acknowledge angry feelings, and I can even feel them a little. But I've never experienced anger about the abuse that's felt out of control, or that has completely set me on edge emotionally. At one point in 2021, my therapist finally explained to me why she kept going back and harping on and on about anger: "I'm afraid, in past therapy, that you were so focused on reconciliation and forgiveness with your father that you skipped over anger." She explained that anger is always a part of abusive trauma that must be addressed.

I've been dialoguing since October with a friend here whose story is very similar to mine. In him, I've found someone who really "gets" me, and visa-versa. And as he's been sharing more and more about the shit he went through as a boy, a door to the anger inside me finally cracked open. And one morning, while I was thinking about the things his abuser did to him, I had a visceral outpouring of anger towards his abuser. I've never had that happen before - not towards my father, or for anyone else. In those moments that morning, I was so filled with rage I felt my chest might explode. I started praying lots of "Why???" prayers, full of anger at the terrible things that were done to him: a young, innocent boy deserving of love and safety. I even found myself crying angry tears in that moment.

Fast-forward to Christmas 2022. Like we usually do, my wife and kids and I drove a couple hours to my parents' house to meet up with my sister and her family, my uncle and his girlfriend, and my parents to do Christmas stuff for a couple days. We were there for 2 1/2 days in all, although my wife and I stayed nights in a hotel. Then... it happened. From out of nowhere after we arrived, I found myself feeling extreme anger and disgust towards my father. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, I didn't want to look him in the eyes, and I didn't want to talk with him. It was horribly uncomfortable, and I found myself wanting to run away and escape. Thank goodness we were able to leave to a hotel in the evening. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever known.

The next week after we returned home, I experienced two completely unexpected outcomes from feeling those newfound feelings. First, while I still experienced intrusive, aberrant thoughts at times, there was zero appeal to them. In fact, I was disgusted by them in a way I haven't been before. Second, when I thought about physical intimacy with my wife, for the first time in 25 years, I felt zero apprehension or anxiety. In fact, I actually wanted her more than I ever have, and I welcomed the idea of sexual intimacy in a way I never have before. The only way I could describe what I was feeling was, "free." I felt free, and the flavor of freedom I felt was completely new to me; it was something I've never felt before.

So, my take-away for this thread is this: until I allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and rage at what had been done to me, I had no choice but to entertain those intrusive thoughts.

So again, I say here: "We cannot heal, what we do not feel." And I'll add to that, "What we do not allow ourselves to feel, cannot be healed."

That said, I know we cannot simply will this to happen. It takes a lot of time and work to unbury feelings like these. It took me 50 years on this planet, and two years of intense therapy. But... change and healing are possible.
@MO-Survivor this is very powerful and I’m so happy for you.
Thank you for sharing.
 
Hey guys,

I wanted to add a comment to this thread that I hope is helpful.

For those of you who have followed my story, you know that my therapist and I have had a lot of conversations about anger and rage - and the fact that I haven't and don't really feel or express those feelings about my father and / or the abuse. I can cognitively acknowledge angry feelings, and I can even feel them a little. But I've never experienced anger about the abuse that's felt out of control, or that has completely set me on edge emotionally. At one point in 2021, my therapist finally explained to me why she kept going back and harping on and on about anger: "I'm afraid, in past therapy, that you were so focused on reconciliation and forgiveness with your father that you skipped over anger." She explained that anger is always a part of abusive trauma that must be addressed.

I've been dialoguing since October with a friend here whose story is very similar to mine. In him, I've found someone who really "gets" me, and visa-versa. And as he's been sharing more and more about the shit he went through as a boy, a door to the anger inside me finally cracked open. And one morning, while I was thinking about the things his abuser did to him, I had a visceral outpouring of anger towards his abuser. I've never had that happen before - not towards my father, or for anyone else. In those moments that morning, I was so filled with rage I felt my chest might explode. I started praying lots of "Why???" prayers, full of anger at the terrible things that were done to him: a young, innocent boy deserving of love and safety. I even found myself crying angry tears in that moment.

Fast-forward to Christmas 2022. Like we usually do, my wife and kids and I drove a couple hours to my parents' house to meet up with my sister and her family, my uncle and his girlfriend, and my parents to do Christmas stuff for a couple days. We were there for 2 1/2 days in all, although my wife and I stayed nights in a hotel. Then... it happened. From out of nowhere after we arrived, I found myself feeling extreme anger and disgust towards my father. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, I didn't want to look him in the eyes, and I didn't want to talk with him. It was horribly uncomfortable, and I found myself wanting to run away and escape. Thank goodness we were able to leave to a hotel in the evening. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever known.

The next week after we returned home, I experienced two completely unexpected outcomes from feeling those newfound feelings. First, while I still experienced intrusive, aberrant thoughts at times, there was zero appeal to them. In fact, I was disgusted by them in a way I haven't been before. Second, when I thought about physical intimacy with my wife, for the first time in 25 years, I felt zero apprehension or anxiety. In fact, I actually wanted her more than I ever have, and I welcomed the idea of sexual intimacy in a way I never have before. The only way I could describe what I was feeling was, "free." I felt free, and the flavor of freedom I felt was completely new to me; it was something I've never felt before.

So, my take-away for this thread is this: until I allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and rage at what had been done to me, I had no choice but to entertain those intrusive thoughts.

So again, I say here: "We cannot heal, what we do not feel." And I'll add to that, "What we do not allow ourselves to feel, cannot be healed."

That said, I know we cannot simply will this to happen. It takes a lot of time and work to unbury feelings like these. It took me 50 years on this planet, and two years of intense therapy. But... change and healing are possible.
I am so glad for you! I really am. It's been almost 50 years since my doc "raped" me, almost 60 years since my so called best friend was sexually using me, but I still feel like I am a freak, someone to be looked at, toyed with, and though I would like to put it all behind me, I figure I will die with those horrible memories. Never feeling like a real person. Sometimes I want to speed things up a bit, but not for now.
 
That said, I know we cannot simply will this to happen. It takes a lot of time and work to unbury feelings like these. It took me 50 years on this planet, and two years of intense therapy. But... change and healing are possible.
Thank you for your post. You hit on a lot of things for me espically in staying in a hotel when visiting i have done that for years and even will put my mom in a hotel if she visits me. For the longest time i did not get why i felt i could not stay back in the home where i was raised. I guess deep down i was protecting myself emotionally even before i faced this part of my life.

I told my new T today on our video conference how i dont have hate towards my grandfather and mom Yet i am stuck in the place that is wearing me down. She made a comment about me being compassionate but i need to work on allowing myself to think how i feel Even if it may be anger. Not easy.
 
I think it’s interesting how some of the comments here are spot on with how so many of us feel. I don’t mean inappropriate thoughts I mean any thoughts of anything positive. I’ve read one or two say they feel bad for thinking something complimentary in a way that isn’t inappropriate but still feel bad.

Thinking about this is two things.

1 as men we are really not seen to be lovey Dovey and sweet. It’s not just negative emotions we have to keep bottled it’s positive too. A woman can easily walk over to a strangers baby and say how cute and sweet he is, pick him up and give him a kiss. Men can’t because it’s “weird” so we end up carrying that same stigma with our own kids and that’s hard to deal with. My son is absolutely adorable and my wife keeps telling me to tell him how I feel it’s ok. See as men we have to use words like handsome instead of cute. Or cool instead of beautiful.

2. When you have been through what we have, we can identify either consciously or unconsciously ourselves in many children around us including our own. So where as everyone is relaxed, we find ourselves with a surge or need to protect them, but because those compliments were both triggers to us, also taught men don’t say these lovely things to kids, it’s like a double heightened trigger. Because we go “oh hang on, men can’t say that... but also the men who said that to me abused me” so we get terrified that we are on a slippery slope.

That’s what I seem to read here and what I have myself experience too. But the fact is, we have those compliments and thoughts because we are human. It does not mean at all that we are on a slope to become what we detest. It’s a very vicious cycle to break. It doesn’t help when things happen at the most worst of times lol, I will give you an example. My son was in the shower but wanted to comb his hair back like Kevin on Home Alone does. My son was starkers and asked “do I look good?” Completely innocent and my wife was going “ooooh yeah really good looking, what do you think?”
I found that extremely difficult to answer because I had those same jolts and fears that you all get over things completely innocent. I felt so ashamed of myself for finding it hard to compliment him. I’m getting much better at it now though but i’m not perfect by any means
 
I think it’s interesting how some of the comments here are spot on with how so many of us feel. I don’t mean inappropriate thoughts I mean any thoughts of anything positive. I’ve read one or two say they feel bad for thinking something complimentary in a way that isn’t inappropriate but still feel bad.

Thinking about this is two things.

1 as men we are really not seen to be lovey Dovey and sweet. It’s not just negative emotions we have to keep bottled it’s positive too. A woman can easily walk over to a strangers baby and say how cute and sweet he is, pick him up and give him a kiss. Men can’t because it’s “weird” so we end up carrying that same stigma with our own kids and that’s hard to deal with. My son is absolutely adorable and my wife keeps telling me to tell him how I feel it’s ok. See as men we have to use words like handsome instead of cute. Or cool instead of beautiful.

2. When you have been through what we have, we can identify either consciously or unconsciously ourselves in many children around us including our own. So where as everyone is relaxed, we find ourselves with a surge or need to protect them, but because those compliments were both triggers to us, also taught men don’t say these lovely things to kids, it’s like a double heightened trigger. Because we go “oh hang on, men can’t say that... but also the men who said that to me abused me” so we get terrified that we are on a slippery slope.

That’s what I seem to read here and what I have myself experience too. But the fact is, we have those compliments and thoughts because we are human. It does not mean at all that we are on a slope to become what we detest. It’s a very vicious cycle to break. It doesn’t help when things happen at the most worst of times lol, I will give you an example. My son was in the shower but wanted to comb his hair back like Kevin on Home Alone does. My son was starkers and asked “do I look good?” Completely innocent and my wife was going “ooooh yeah really good looking, what do you think?”
I found that extremely difficult to answer because I had those same jolts and fears that you all get over things completely innocent. I felt so ashamed of myself for finding it hard to compliment him. I’m getting much better at it now though but i’m not perfect by any means
This resonates so much with me. It's really easy to feel like we can't provide appropriate physical affection to the children in our lives or complement them in ways that women do because we might be seen as pervy. But by not doing those things, I think we intentionally deprive those children of the affirmations that we all needed as boys but often never got.

When I started my job, I had these same feelings and never felt that I could get as close to the kids as female teachers and staff. But as I've been working, I've realized that the kids seek it out from me just as much as they do with the women. So I don't worry any more about ruffling a kindergartner's hair, giving a sidehug, or even telling some of the kids who I'm very close to (and who often don't hear it at home) that I love them. Obviously, I set appropriate boundaries and all of it is 100% parental type love, but I can't deny the difference I've seen in my kids' progress since they started to feel that I was there to love and protect them.
 
This resonates so much with me. It's really easy to feel like we can't provide appropriate physical affection to the children in our lives or complement them in ways that women do because we might be seen as pervy. But by not doing those things, I think we intentionally deprive those children of the affirmations that we all needed as boys but often never got.

When I started my job, I had these same feelings and never felt that I could get as close to the kids as female teachers and staff. But as I've been working, I've realized that the kids seek it out from me just as much as they do with the women. So I don't worry any more about ruffling a kindergartner's hair, giving a sidehug, or even telling some of the kids who I'm very close to (and who often don't hear it at home) that I love them. Obviously, I set appropriate boundaries and all of it is 100% parental type love, but I can't deny the difference I've seen in my kids' progress since they started to feel that I was there to love and protect them.
We can learn so much from the little ones about ourselves and it sounds like you do a great job.
 
I posted on this thread back at the end of April, last year. though I stopped reading MS for a while after that , the thread stayed in my mind and guided much of the time since. coming back to it now and reading everything since has split the thread in two.

where it is now:

I decided as a late teen to never have children in fear of what I would inevitably do to them. 1 abortion, a vasectomy and 30 years later, I have found myself actually pulling fathers/male friends, and commented upon how they express themselves towards their children. I will comment on the profound impact their saying I love you to son or daughter will be remembered. (having never heard such words from my own father, ever) Just normal guys telling their normal kids "i love you" in a normal way seems so freakishly odd to me, that I almost demand that they remember to continue to do this. to love them fiercely. in as absolutely normal a way a possible. I've even told them of the beauty I see in their casual kindness. it breaks down, though, when I see them trying to be their kid's "best friend." it's ok to miss a couple of games.
a bit off track/topic maybe but reading it thru has been powerful for me.

how the thread impacted my life:

INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHTS ABOUT KIDS has been a meme floating at the edge of my thoughts every single day since April. my T and I discussed it briefly over the months. I kept returning to it asking myself WHY and how. all the while I was reading porn stories about that very subject. some times for hours a day. masturbating to the very thing that horrifies me. 3x a day. then along came Psilocybe mushrooms which my T discouraged. and I persisted. I had already begun to see porn pictures and video as tragic. those men and women are caught in a meat grinder of other people's fantasy. so I stuck to only stories. not real people, right? then I began to see the stories here on MS and the porn stories as actual accounts of people's lives with real subsequent consequences, much like the posts here on MS. even the stories became tragic. 2 weeks ago I talked at length with my T about this and decided to only try masturbating without porn. that night, under the closest orbit of the New Moon since the Middle Ages, I had the same discussion with Psilocybe and I witnessed a piece of a Wendiko being burned from my nerves and flesh. think The Torment of St Anthony by Michelangelo Buonarroti. one of those deamons got pealed from me. I haven't looked at the stories since. I haven't gotten any real urge to masturbate. tiny flutters at the back of my mind but they hold no purchase. I understand the "here and now" of a broken addiction. how they can roar back in in times of stress. so for now, I stay on track and see where the path leads.

"an addiction can't be truly broken without a deep spiritual shift" is a line I picked up a few weeks ago. I think it was in relation to AA and higher power. Psilocibe exposes the user to the bald naked truth of things, naked in the face of god. I have never felt a single spiritual moment in a church or temple. that night was the culmination of months of work, months of intention. i looked into the darkness and found a small piece of me to get rid of. something shifted. subtle but different. many small shifts along the way here adding up to now.

another conclusion I've come to is that get an awful lot less inappropriate thoughts about kids if I'm not actually reading inappropriate words about kids. funny how that works. funny, too, how simple it sounds. tell an life long addict to "just quit, then." and see what happens. but when it is phrased just so, it's like, "well, all right, I quit." and pop! i've quit. and in doing so have hours of time and tremendous physical focus on building a means taking care of my own business. not dying for someone else's dream, rather, living for my own.
 
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